He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

I would struggle to find anything remotely attractive about this man, OP.

But she isn't telling to sling his hook is she? No, she is saying if he doesn't like it he should leave, so she is leaving the door open for him to say ok i was wrong, i will stay and suffer. She needs to grow a back bone and tell him to eff off.

What a dangerously toxic and horrible way of thinking he has. What sort of example is he, to your children.

1. he has no right to say who stays in your home.

2. i would never want to be with a man who shows such disrespect towards any elderly person, let alone my own parent. His values clearly do not align with yours.

3. He is proving a terrible example of human behaviour for your children. Someone who feels the way he does and behave as he does with his own ‘mil’, can not be a good person? How would he treat others?

4. your mum does not deserve this in her older age.

Sorry but no. He would be out first

But you are prepared to let him remain in your home, bullying your mother and making your family uncomfortable in their own home in the meantime? It sounds like the decision on whether he stays or goes is entirely his. He thinks you are so desperate to keep him that you will do anything for him. No wonder he thinks he can make demands about who can live in your family home. You have given him all the power. Is he really worth it?

You haven't exactly said it, but it sounds as if you have actually considered kicking your mother out to please this oaf. Did you post on here thinking mumsnetters would support you in doing so?

Your family are suffering and you need to take some responsibility and do the decent thing. Kick him out.

Give up people. She isn't going to kick him out. Having a man, any man, is more important to her than anything else.

Your mum was there first. He sounds like a right dickhead .. get rid asap!

Sadly, I think you are right.

We're all chomping at the bit for him to go as we're at a distance but OP is assimilating it

Before you know it, it will be HIS home. Change the locks, leave his stuff with his friends. Drop all contact. He will probablythreaten to sue you for his share of your house. He can jog on.

I'm not convinced this a genuine post , given the lack of response to the constructive, kind and helpful responses.

You can’t move into someone else’s house and start kicking off. It worked well for you before, don’t let him spoil it.

It certainly looks that way.

“I'm not convinced this a genuine post , given the lack of response to the constructive, kind and helpful responses.”

I’m thinking the same now, @MintyIguana

You are being unreasonable to keep him as a partner. How dare he move into your home with your children and dictate what goes on there?

Where does an 80 year old lady move to when her daughter chooses a wanker over her own mother? Your poor mum, she’s done nothing but help and support you (yes I know you’ve given her a home), but where does she go? To a council B and B? A room in an HMO? Sofa surfing at a friends house? Hang your head in shame OP to let this ‘man’ decide if he stays or goes. No one, literally no one would tell me that my mum had to move out……..If he stays he’s gonna make all your lives miserable.
P.S. I’d push his face in the dinner your mum cooked.

So this man is bullying your mum and talking of "controlling" the house and putting you in the difficult position of mediating? He presumably has benefitted from moving in. What happened to his own house? So many red flags of a controlling, nasty man especially when he goes on about he will only take financial responsibility for himself. It sounds like the house was happier before he moved in so if I were you I would say this is not working out and you are causing friction so you have to go.

I agree. There's too many of these.

Why isn't he posting you rent OP? If he was living elsewhere he would have to pay rent or a mortgage. By dies he think he gets to live free at yours.

Oh ffs I can't even be bothered. He's a dick. Get rid of him

I haven’t quite managed to get through all your replies yet as I’ve been at work and sorting out kids in the evening, but have been taking it all in for sure.

It means a lot so many of you have taken time out of your day to help me and some to share your stories with me.

There are a lot I’d like to reply to and will do in the morning once I’ve slept on everything that’s been said and get to grips on the Royal pile of rubbish I’ve managed to get myself and family into.

He sounds awful, rude and disrespectful. Give him the boot!

Dump him and ask him to move out. It's clearly not working.

Honestly tough shit, who does he think he is?

He's not asking for a few minor compromises he's on a mission to get you to fall out with your Mum. You have made living with your Mum work. The red waves are flying out it in full force!

Don’t blame yourself. He moved the goalposts! He seemed willing to move into your household is it was before he moved in, and now he feels entitled to set the rules including telling other household members to leave, even though he has contributed nothing to the household.

@Areyouhavingabubble2

I 🤔 think you know deep down that we are instinctively right about knowing this guy who you with is not a good man for you and your family,

but you are just a bit scarried or worried about the idea of being single again,

as you had a fantasty about being happy families and the reality has been a contrast to say the least,

Your boyfriend is like a dodgy salesman who sold you an idea a false facade that is in reality proved to be as iffy as fxck ,

It's been a win win for him all the way he really has got his feet comfortably under the table so much your mother , who is really good to you and your family,

she is being made to feel like a guest who has outstanding her welcome far too long,
by your boyfriend,
under the guise of she is your parent and his psudeo mother in law,
and we all know about the jokes comedians back in the day used to crack jokes about often,
life with a difficult mother in law or stepmother ect,
was stuff of legendary nightmares,

I think you have got a lovely set up with your mother,

Why on earth are some people projecting their experiences of living with or knowing their mother in laws ect,

about themselves then?

Not all mother in laws 🙄 are the same,

Clearly @Areyouhavingabubble2 is in the fortunate position of having a good mother and her living arrangements dynamic have worked well for her,

whether it's based on a cultral thing or not,

It works, and it's been working well for how long ,
for some time,

Why jeopardise your relationship with your mother ect for someone like this,

doesn't make any sense,

Totally Bonkers.!

I tell you something if my mother was still alive and she was living with me like this,

there is no way in hell, would i be kicking her out of my house,
for a man like this,

this kind of man will be a nasty insecure control freak whether your mum lives with you or not
that's the reality, !

treat him the way he deserves like an guest who has overstayed his welcome for some time,
for far too long,
funny that he was OK happy with your family set up dynamics with your mother when he wasn't living with you,

whats changed then for him then now?

I think he is a bit envious of how well you get on with your mother and your mother has got the measure of him a lot better than you have,
(Maybe he isn't as close to his mother as you are to yours,
and he wishes that he was and seeing how close you are,
Makes him overwhelming see what he lacks in life in that regards,