He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

If he doesn’t like it he should leave, not my mum.

He should leave anyway, OP. Your poor mum must be terribly distressed by his behaviour. And he’ll start on the kids next, if he gets her out.

Er, no. He needs to be gone, I'm sorry. Where on earth does he get off laying down the law in YOUR house?! He knew the situation when he moved in, if he doesn't like it and can't get along then point him in the direction of the door and kick him right up the arse out of it. How dare he!

Do you want your mother to live elsewhere or does this work for you?

Do your children want to live with their grandmother or with your new partner?

Do you think his attitude to your children will change in the way his attitude to your mother has?

Do you want to live with just him?

You have choices to make and more knowledge of how things will be:
e.g.
-You can now see that he will want control of your house and money and that he is not generous (or even very fair) with his.
-You can also see that your preferences are not a priority for him.
-You are going to end up paying for most things and doing most housework too.
-You like to go out and he does not

I wouldn't like the way this man is behaving or the way he treats his partner. Do you?

His feet wouldn't touch the ground and he'd be out on his arse if this was my partner. What a horrible person.

So now that you know this, when are you going to tell him?

It doesn't have to be a huge discussion, it doesn't need fancy words. Just tell him calmly "You've made it abundantly clear that you don't want my mum here. Well, I'm not telling her to leave so you'll have to go. You have until 1 Feb to clear your things out."

He's going to storm, threaten, promise, and cajole. All sound and fury signifying nothing. Give him no chance to 'change', because any 'change' he makes won't last. The relationship needs to be over because he will not and cannot accept that he's not allowed to 'rule the roost'.

I bet he "does the bins" though which makes up for everything else....

@AliceThruTheDoor . Brilliantly put.💐 Sorry for your loss. As you said you only get one Mum

To be honest he usually just makes a sandwich or eats some sort of packet of meal. We don’t cook separately. Either you eat the food or you make your own.

Frankly I love the sound of your mother, able to cook, clean and babysit when needed, real contributions these days with a full time job and children. I'm guessing since you are able to run the household financially that you have a full time job!
On top of this she has an active social life; that makes it so much easier. She's not reliant on you emotionally.
Your partner slots out leaving no trace! As others have said there's a real possibility your children will be expected to leave at 18 and never come back. These days that can really leave a young person in a precarious position. Your relationship with your children could be badly affected if they feel unwelcome because of him.

So he doesn't ever cook for the family? Does he really come in with a bag of food for himself, as though he was a lodger?

Honestly, bin him.
He sounds nasty

What come next OP when he forces your mum out - not just your children but your friends, the things that make you happy that he doesnt like ? What a controlling horrible man. You deserve better.

@Areyouhavingabubble2

You are being unreasonable expecting your mum to put up with his overbearing and belittling ways!

If you stay with this bully, he will expect your mum to go, then as each of your children hits 18, he will boot them out!

Hopefully you've safeguarded your house, but get rid of him.

He sounds intolerable!

You really really need to wobble your head OP... this is a cocklodger 101. You don't need to ask anyone who lives in YOUR house.

Pack his bags and ask him to leave. He has absolutely no 'rights' ...if he doesn't go, call the police.

I am surprised he didn't try to pressure you into marriage so he could claim half of your house.
He brings NOTHING to the table. Nada. Nil. Zilch.
You are doing more cleaning and household work to "help" him adjust?

I am praying this is a wind-up because I truly cannot believe anyone could be living this and not see the problem. FYI--the problem is HIM, not your DM, who sounds like a lovely person and is your FAMILY! What's next, he'll want you to only focus on him and your DC are just "in the way"?

Remember, your DC are seeing how he treats your mother. Is that what you wish to teach them?

You know what you need to do, and it isn't taking care of a cocklodger any longer.

Bloody controlling arse, kick him out. How dare he.

You stated ‘I don’t think it’s fair to kick her out.’
Too right it’s unfair!!
You need to be more assertive towards this ‘man’ tell him you’ve changed your mind.
How do your children feel about him being such a bully?
If you don’t tell him to leave you’re letting your mum and children down.
He sounds utterly horrid by the way.

You do know that this is basically the definition of a cocklodger? Think of all the money he is saving each money since you are paying all the bills.

I'm sorry to be rude but "Wake the hell up!" and see what you are allowing to happen in YOUR home. Not his, at all, ever.

I can't believe you have let this selfish creep bully your poor mother in her own home. You need to kick him out, apologise to your mother and children for inflicting this man on their home and start rebuilding trust and harmony.

This really is shocking. He sounds so awful. How can you find him attractive at all? He sounds like an entitled cocklodger.

Wow. He's inserted himself into your home and life and demanded now that it's changed to suit him.

He is very unreasonable

The food he buys and prepares for himself, is that what "he pays for himself"? Is that it? No contribution to any of the other living expenses? At least a sixth of all the expenses (as there are 5 of you)? So, is he living free on a single mum and and her old mother? If he is, it's important to get it out there.

My thoughts exactly. It sums up his attitude to you and your family.

You cook and clean for him. You pay all the household expenses

He in turn eats his own sandwiches and take aways, whilst brooding about turfing your mum out of her home to suit his convenience so that he can have more control over decisions, so what he's asking you to do is say to your mum.

"Hi Mum, thanks for your constant support and help with your grandchildren over the last 8 years. My partner, who only pays for himself, says "It's his home now," so off you go and find your own accommodation and get used to living on your own."

What actual practical contribution does this man make to your life and your family's life?

OP please take the advice you are getting. This man brings nothing to the table (except his own packet dinner!) Ask him to leave asap and finish this so called relationship. You deserve so much better as does your mum and children.

Yup. You’ve got yourself the definition of a cocklodger for a partner. Not to worry, you’ll be much more experienced at reading the signs in future with your next boyfriend. Tip this one back into the murky pond and don’t lower your standards next time. Chin up.