He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Kick him out

He's a prince isn't he.... I think you're being unreasonable to even consider kicking your mum out. He goes instead of her, problem solved... Set your bar a little higher, you deserve better than this.

Let me guess. Total basic household expenses (not including kids' expenses) divided by 6 (total in household). So he's probably paying his 'pro rata' share (1/6) of rent/mortgage, utilities, and possibly food and not one penny piece more. He probably also pays 'pro rata' for takeaways, activities, holidays, etc. And I'm sure he counts every penny. So unattractive. I'm not saying he should 'support' OP's other family members, but a little generosity never goes amiss.

This man has controlling cocklodger written in indelible ink right across his forehead.

My exH started making a fuss about my DS coming home for a bit while he looked for another flat.
Guess where he is now? The clue is in the ex. Nobody messes with my family.

Absolutely this. And the first part made me chortle and the cat flew off my knee.
Sweetpea moves for nothing or nobody: it's a sign.

This will come over as rude but WTF is wrong with you?

When he's finished making decisions about your mother he'll start on the kids.

Why is he still there?

Cocklodger. A parasite who has moved into your home. You are still doing the cooking and cleaning, you are still paying the bills. He's nothing more than an exotic pet, @Areyouhavingabubble2.

Actually, maybe he's more of a cuckoo in the nest; trying to oust the existing occupants.

Either way, he's a parasite.

"He seems to think it’s unreasonable to make decisions myself as it’s now also his home and he should be able to make decisions."
A home he doesn't pay for is not "his" home! He has no right to be making any decisions. Well, maybe an input on what to watch on TV, but that's about it.

And thinking it's unreasonable for YOU to make decisions yourself, when it's YOUR home and always has been? Fuck off, is the only response possible. Seriously. He doesn't think you have the right to make decisions yourself? You need his permission? That is the most massive RED FLAG.

Seriously @Areyouhavingabubble2, do yourself a favour and bin him. He's got you thinking up is down, and if your mum ever did leave his sights would be trained upon your children. He's a parasite.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

I voted unreasonable as he has no need to get used to anything

He can just go.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 - Whether or not your partner might like or adapt to whatever the situation is, I believe that this particular partner needs to leave and the sooner the better. He doesn't get to have a choice on whether he might not like that your mother lives in your home with you. That's not up to him. You've opened your home to her and she carries her weight when it comes to doing stuff around the house and she gets out of your way when she has friends over. Your partner on the other hand sounds more and more like a stroppy teenager not getting enough attention so if I were in your shoes, I'd be kicking said partner to the kerb. He doesn't deserve to stay under your roof. Let him find his own place and own way. If he really truly is the partner for you, it will work whether he's living under your roof or not!

He needs to move out, not your mum.
I agree with what pp have said about targeting your children next if your mum leaves.

Tell him to get to fuck.

So, tomorrow in a quiet moment you tell him.
'You are so right. This situation is not working. Would you like one months notice to leave, or two?
This is not a nice man @Areyouhavingabubble2 , today it is your mum, after that it will be your dc, no friends around, no money spent on them, his rules.

He played nice until he got his feet under the table, now the real him is showing.
Just aswell he only spent his money on himself, he should have a big pot of money to rent somewhere.

..'he’s made me feel like I’m being unreasonable not to kick her out and that by not doing it I’m a bad girlfriend.'

You what? How did it ever cross your mind for one minute, OP, that you were being unreasonable in not kicking your mother out? He's really done a number on you, hasn't he? I feel so sorry for your mother and three kids - you've been brainwashed by him. Your poor mother must at very least sense what's going on and no doubt your kids do, too. Are you so naïve that you can't see what's going on? He's taking over your home - and you're letting him.

Your poor mother must be feeling very insecure and unhappy at the moment. It’s a blessing she can at least have her own friends round to visit but no doubt she’s sensed his impatience with this.
There can never be a happy outcome to this relationship, OP, even if you mum took herself off tomorrow, because she is t the problem and his attitudes are.
Remember most controlling narcissists initiate relationships masking their negative sides and it’s when they feel secure in the relationship that they reveal their true colours.
Good luck

This. Plus coming home, inserting his derriere into the designated Man Of The House Chair, and kicking off his shoes after a hard day's work in the office. Expecting a foot massage in complete silence, followed by dinner made for him by OP's mother. He tastes this and it's not to his liking, so OP spends the rest of the evening making something he prefers. OP and her mother then clean up. Everyone has to tiptoe around, so as not to disturb Man of the House's hard earned peace.

Chuck him out, your household was fine before he turned up so maybe she’s not the problem he is. The bloody cheek of rocking up and expecting a long term resident of a house to be chucked out on your say so. He’s a dick.

This. Plus coming home, inserting his derriere into the designated Man Of The House Chair, and kicking off his shoes after a hard day's work in the office. Expecting a foot massage in complete silence, followed by dinner made for him by OP's mother. He tastes this and it's not to his liking, so OP spends the rest of the evening making something he prefers. OP and her mother then clean up. Everyone has to tiptoe around, so as not to disturb Man of the House's hard earned peace.

What a catch.

Dick

Why hasn't this prince got his own property the success he is.
Kick him out and reclaim your life.

It doesn't matter at all 'why' mum moved in. Point is she is there, OP was happy with whatever arrangement they made, mum was there before the boyfriend and the boyfriend knew the situation.

boyfriend sounds like a manipulative creep and I'd manoeuvre him right out of the situation and out of your life. It won't stop there, once he's moved your mum (and your kids) out he might start moving his family in .....

I'll be blunt...this man has found a right mug ie. You.
Do yourself a favour and kick him out before he wants to get married to get half your house and then kicks you and your kids out.

I bet your mum used to love living with her daughter and grandchildren. I know I would. When I was a teenager one of my jobs was collecting glasses in a pub. A lad I worked with came in one day really upset. His mums boyfriend had moved in and on sight literally said that this lad had to go so he moved his stuff and went to live with his nan. Who he was very close to. He was 16. His mother accepted this and allowed her boyfriend to throw her own son out who was still at school. I know I seem righteous but you are not thinking of your mum and the distress this will be causing her. Imagine being bullied like that at her age? She will be so humiliated. You have to kick him out. Once he kicks her out he will be demanding a percentage of your house. He is doing what is called cuckoing. This is a planned usurping. You are also very vulnerable I can tell. Try to get outside help and advice. Good luck.

I feel physically revolted by his attitude OP. Please get rid of him. Your poor mother! Bullied, belittled, and vulnerable.

Frankly, a grown-ass man bullying an old lady in her own home...? That would be enough of a turn-off for me. Get rid of the wankstain.

Cant believe you need to ask. Kick him out asap.