He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

OP I'm genuinely interested to hear what he contributes to the household... financially or practically. There must be something or surely you would not have agreed to him moving in.

I said you’re being unreasonable, and that’s because of this: “Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?”

You should not be expecting the living situation to stay as is. You should be expecting him to belt up or ship out.

He’s moved in expecting to basically take over your house.

The only thing you should actually be asking - in my opinion - is how much notice you should give him to fuck off. (And my vote there is none btw.)

This is a very good idea

It's really sad that your approach is 'if he doesn't like it can should leave'.

OP, what's happened to you to make you so passive?

Get rid of this horrible man. You can't be that desperate for a man surely.

I voted that you are being unreasonable to want the living situation to continue as it is - because that basically means that you mum continues to be bullied and disrespected in her own home. Why is he still there? That's a serious question. Why would you want a relationship with a man who can treat your mum so badly? Its your house, it's your mother's home, kick him out.

Does he pay you rent? Does he contribute anything towards the running of the household eg council tax, utilities etc? Then he’s not paying for himself or covering his costs and you are all supporting him. He’s a freeloader and from the sounds of it an entitled manipulative man-child too.

I’m curious what resulted in him moving in with you in the first place knowing it would not just be the two of you and the children. Did he need somewhere to stay and it sort of made sense for him to move in with you rather than run 2 households? You imply that he regards your house as “his home” and he has the right to make decisions.

I totally agree with the sentiment in the comments on this thread and I’m seriously worried for you, your mother and your children. Is your mother aware of his request? If so, what does she think?

I take it that you own your home either outright or with a mortgage from the original post. Has your “boyfriend” registered a stake in the property with the land registry? You don’t need to be married for him to try to claim a stake in your home and create all sorts of hassle for you. Sadly I have friends who have found themselves in incredibly difficult situations which began with a similar scenario to what you describe.

At the bare minimum, I would suggest that you tell him to move out with a defined short term deadline (4 weeks or sooner should be enough) as the living arrangement doesn’t suit him and if it doesn’t suit him, it makes things difficult for you, your children and your mother. If you truly are boyfriend and girlfriend then he would be receptive to this or at least willing to discuss. I would also suggest that you think hard about whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves this way.

Tell him to leave if he don't like it!

First answer nails it.

Well he is entitled to have made a mistake about his tolerance level but he’s not entitled to force a member of the household out because he made that mistake.

He's got his feet under your table now he wants to take control of your home.

If you've any sense you shouldn't be leaving it up to him if he moves out.

KICK HIM OUT NOW!!!!
IT WILL BE THE KIDS NEXT, HOW CAN YOU PUT A MAN OVER YOUR BLOOD!

Dump him!

I wish you the courage and strength to stand up for yourself and your mum and show this man the door.
Permanently @Areyouhavingabubble2 🌺

@CoasttoCoastlines

it doesn't matter why her mum lives with her.
It doesn't matter whether it started as temporary or was intended as forever or until one of them wanted to change ut

the OP doesn't want to change it.

the 'man' knew all of this, but the CF has moved in & decided he now gets a say in the arrangements between the OP & HER mum, in a house SHE owns.

@Areyouhavingabubble2

what are you doing letting him continue to boss you around & bully your mum. Creating an atmosphere and tell you to make her leave!!

im glad you actually know he/this situation is wrong and im glad you're taking on board that 98% of people are reassuring you that he is in the wrong! Not you.

its time to tell him to go & be a nasty cocklodger elsewhere & reclaim your home!!

@Ilovecakey

just tell him to leave.

who cares what he likes???? Nasty POS.

id love to hear your poor mums views on this. Sounds like you have a great family set up with your mum being there around her grandkids and she can contribute to the household and you imagine when she’s older and needs more care knows it’s there from you and she is settled in your home. If I had the space I would do this for my dad when he gets on a bit and retires. Absolutely your partner leaves if he’s not happy and he knew the set up when he moved in.

Wow! What a prince amongst men he is! NOT. Get rid of HIM not your poor mother. What a disgusting waste of space he is. I'd pack all his shit together and kick him out pronto. This person is not for you or any woman.

If he doesn’t like it he should leave, not my mum

I strongly believe you need to be more proactive here, and ask him to leave.

By saying if he doesn't like it, he can leave, is giving him all the power. he may choose to leave. Or alternatively because he has much to gain, he could stay. But and it's a massive BUT - it would cost you dear. There would still be the moaning and whining about your Mum, with added dose of martyrdom because he's putting up with her as he 'loves' you.

There is always a settling in period when people move in together. And as this is a year down the line, you've given him plenty of opportunity to get used to your Mum and her ways. A mature adult, in this situation would say - sorry I'm finding it difficult to share with your Mum and children, so I'll be moving out. he hasn't done that despite your best efforts to smooth his path, so much so he has nothing to lose and can play the waiting game whilst pissing everyone else off royally.

His presence has brought strife to your home, to your relationship with your mum and as others have said, will be conflict with your children. He has to leave and you need to make this happen by saying - this isn't working, I want you to go. And keep repeating this . Take your power back and take it back very very soon

This. He sounds horrible.

I strongly believe you need to be more proactive here, and ask him to leave.
By saying if he doesn't like it, he can leave, is giving him all the power. he may choose to leave. Or alternatively because he has much to gain, he could stay. But and it's a massive BUT - it would cost you dear. There would still be the moaning and whining about your Mum, with added dose of martyrdom because he's putting up with her as he 'loves' you. - This, as @DPotter suggests.

Except don't ask him to leave - TELL him to leave. Now.

And he can pay for his own Travelodge or whatever from all the money he's saved not paying rent and not offering anything towards the house costs.

Grifting areshole.

I'm still intrigued to know what "he pays for himself" means.

To those indicating that the 'why' OP's mum living there matters; why on Earth does it matter if Mum's in need of assistance or if she runs marathons. OP wants her there and it works for both of them. Should she turf her out just because some man decides he doesn't want her living there? It's not like she moved Mum in under this man's nose, he knew the deal when he moved in!

Or are we so backwards that we think that the OP should kick her mum out in order to 'keep her man'? We're not that desperate, are we?

Get rid of him!!! Not your poor mum. This is a massive red flag, I would put money that if you do kick your mum out he will start throwing his weight round on other things.
he knew the situation, please don’t let him bully your mum anymore.

Good Lord, you must be absolutely desperate for cock @Areyouhavingabubble2

Why did your mother move in with you in the first place when you're so easily influenced by a relative stranger?

You might as well throw your children out along with her, sign the house over to this man and write your will leaving everything to him!