He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

While it's reasonably clear he can't have known how he'd feel once he moved in, absolutely don't do it. You've been happy and he's the only one not. You can just live separately if you want to stay together . Loads do now.

Unbelievable to have to ask on here what people think when the pair of you have been hounding an innocent woman for a whole year !
Op you ought to be ashamed of yourself

If you were to accept this then how long till he expects your eldest child to move out once they are an adult?

So don't move into a house where there's an existing arrangement that you don't like. And if you are silly enough to, move back out again.

I think it's unfair to try and bring a partner into this

Oh sorry. Did OP kidnap him? I missed that.

How is it his home? Only by your consent.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

I seem to be in a tiny minority by voting YABU
I think YABU in answer to you question.

YwouldBU to "expect the living situation to stay as it is" and I'm really surprised more haven't voted like me.

What you need to do is kick him out, not leave it as it is.

It is quite concerning that you are letting him behave like this. Kick the fucker out and stop your DM being treated like this.

Kick HIM out. What an asshole!
Family is family and should come before anything. Next what is he going to complain? The kids?
How about when his parents need help? Or is he an orphan?

This is getting worse by the second

It doesn't matter how old your mum is (60s or 80s etc) and how she came to live with you. She is a vulnerable older lady and your house is her home. This loser thinks it's ok to bully an elderly woman out of her home so he can take full control.

Kick him the hell out

Kick him out.

Also, how do you have any time to snuggle on the couch or anything like that? I'd go slowly insane never being able to cuddle on the couch or kiss my partner without feeling like his mother was watching, I can't understand living with a parent as an adult. Being able to go out isn't the same, I couldn't even have sex with a parent living in the house.

They have separate living rooms. Plenty of people have to have extended family in the house. And plenty of older people need to have someone nearby in case of problems. This attitude stinks.

That's what I said.
They ought to be looking at a solution for all of them, or for him.

The Op has been very sparse with her info here.

Regardless of what she does with this man, it's an issue that may need some thinking around for the future.

We don't know the back story of why the mum is there.
Maybe it suited them both- OP has 3 kids, mum helps with babysitting, cooking and cleaning. Maybe her mum is a widow or divorced, and OP too.
None of us know.

But this current situation should prompt the OP and her Mum into a conversation about the future.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 If you have any more relationships (if this man is dumped) what do you want?

Is your mum unable to live alone?
Does she intend to live with your forever?

Can you accept that it's a tricky set-up for any new partner to come into?

I voted YABU because you are being very unreasonable in tolerating this waste of a Y chromosome in your home

LTB.

Please find your anger and get this man out. He has Forfeited the right to choose whether he stays or goes.

Ok
Get him out
How dare he disrespect you in your own house that you pay for
Even if you wanted the whole town to live there it is not his problem
If he has a problem, then he should buy a house and you move in.

I'm going to be brutally honest
This guy is pure nasty
You need to get rid fast
He has controlling behaviour
Sounds like someone who is financially abusing you

Your mum is your mum

Ask yourself this question
If you daughter was in the same situation, and her bf was telling her what she should do in her own house then what advice would you give her

Because

We are cruel when we give advice to ourselves
So please
Do what is best for you

So he doesnt pay anything, doesnt do anything, wants to control the behaviour of your family who already live there!?Once your kids turn 18 he'll be kicking them out next. 🚩

I feel sorry for you OP; I'm sure this is not how you pictured things when partner moved in.

I feel he is showing his true colours now & I would worry about his behaviour down the line, it sounds very controlling.

It won't be easy but I would ask him to move out. You'd never forgive yourself asking your elderly mam to move out.

Also his issues with your mam may be projected onto your children or even you next!

He has no authority in your home but seems to think it's the 1950's he can do as he pleases.

Please keep us updated & hope you are ok.

Funny that he thought it was a nice setup before he got his feet under the table and then demanded change.

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your mum don’t let him ruin that, hopefully he hasn’t already.

i guarantee if your mum moved out he would become more controlling then he already is…kick him out now!

I can’t think of anything worse than living with an in law. With that in mind I would never do it. But he made a choice knowing what the situation was. He can’t rock up, decide he’s going to not contribute to the upkeep of children he is playing a parental type role for and then decide he’s king of the castle and actually he’s not happy with what he signed up for. By the sound of it he’s the only one making people feel uncomfortable in the home and he’s being childish with your mother, an elderly woman. I think you know what you need to do.

It's not even his house. Tell him if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

Keep your mum; lose the twat.

Why let move him in, in the first place? Seriously the man needs to move out. You can still have a relationship in separate houses and probably a happier one, although I'd be reconsidering him altogether for showing such hostility to your poor Mum.

He wants to limit the number of visitors your mother can have? How controlling of him.

OP, you say he changed when he moved in. Now his feet are under the table, he's started with bullying your elderly mother and trying to guilt you into chucking her out. Then it'll be the kids, then he'll be controlling you. Probably even wants his name on the deeds.

Awful, nasty man. Please come back and tell us you've told him to leave.