He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Sounds like he had his eye on your house, now he's got his feet under the table he wants to push out the things he 'accepted' as part of the package.

Except he obviously didn't accept it did he. Cos no sooner he's in he's trying to change it.

Free riding cuckoo.

19 pages and the OP still hasn't said anything positive he contributes to the relationship/household

Yeah he's the one who should be kicked out.

Why hasn't he forged any bonds with your mum? Has he tried? Or has he just automatically decided he's entitled to be irritated by her presence rather than attempting to see it as a positive and have her as an extra friend?

This. Your poor mother made to feel uncomfortable and a burden in her ladt years. God forbid she passes soon could you live with the way her final time was spent?

Get rid. He wants your mum kicked out of whose house? Cheeky bastard now calling it both yours.

Of course he should leave op.

BUT - you should NEVER have had to ask this question.

Your poor mother.

And to a certain extent, poor you. For not having the confidence to have kicked him out the first time he even suggested any of this.

Before you start on another relationship, work on your boundaries, what is and isn't acceptable. This isn't at all.

If he doesn’t like it he should leave, not my mum
Why are you deferring to him and making it his decision?

He's moved into your home, you're doing the bulk of running the home, he's rude and unpleasant to your mother, and seems to think he's king of the castle. He's already told you he thinks this about you and him being in "control", where really he means you and him in control as long as he's calling the shots and you fall in line.

His behaviour is unlikely to improve. It might do short term, and then it'll be back to you being the go between and him being unpleasant and you ending up on eggshells trying to help everyone get on and make it work.

The way to have a happy home environment for you, your mother and your children is for you to regain your autonomy and tell him he's moving out.

So you own the house, you pay all the bills, you do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry (and your mum does the rest) and yet he thinks he has the right to dictate who lives in the house? And behave like an absolute brat when he doesn’t get his own way? What the hell, OP? He’s a manipulative, entitled, bullying, self-centred, piece of crap who doesn’t deserve to be with 10 miles of you and your mum. Bin him.

The abuser who is trying to isolate you often starts with your strongest relationship. 🚩

He’s a freeloader trying to take over your house. He needs to move. What are you even doing with a man like that? For your own sanity and future kick this man out of your life.

If you tolerate this then your children will be next.

Please get rid of him OP.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 Why are you leaving the decision in his hands?? He clearly is not happy living with your mother and is making his feelings clear. Why would you want your mum, not to mention your children, living in this atmosphere? Are you really so desperate to have a man, any man, in your home?

You say you wouldn't like to live with your in laws, but your mum isn't his mother in law. He's simply a bloke you're living with. You are allowing him free access to everything you hold dear - your home, your children and your mother - and he is trying to destroy those things.

As @anyfucker used to say, he must have a golden cock.

As someone who has just lost her mum who lived with us for over 15 years, I’d advise you send him packing!
My husband and kids got a little fed up with having my mum but there were more positives than negatives having her with us.
Mum also had her own living area and would happily sit in there, with more often than not, us all joining her rather than the other way round. She helped out so much and now we are lost without her 💔
you only get one mum, but there are plenty more good fish in the sea.

Also, how do you have any time to snuggle on the couch or anything like that? I'd go slowly insane never being able to cuddle on the couch or kiss my partner without feeling like his mother was watching, I can't understand living with a parent as an adult. Being able to go out isn't the same, I couldn't even have sex with a parent living in the house. If you're happy with the setup with your mother then that's great but I think it's unfair to try and bring a partner into this especially if they want more than a FWB situation from you and would like to move in (and contribute) next time.

What you have said here, coupled with

He think we should limit the friends coming over tells me everything I need to know about this man.

He's a cocklodger - and a controlling one at the.

Obviously you care about him or you wouldn't have let him move in, but I promise you - he isn't worth the steam off your pee. I'd get him to so fast there'd be friction burns on his backside!

So are you telling him to go or are you going to hang on and plead with him to change his mind. He has shown you what he is, believe it.

Same.

At least, this will be the same when I get round to dating!

rainymays
OP's partner knew her living situation and made the decision to move in.
The OP isn't being unfair to the partner by bringing him in.

He was free to keep his own place and not cohabit, but he chose to move in with a woman who has her own place, children and who was intergenerationally living. Just now he's got his feet under the table he's started to throw his weight around. Same old pattern of behaviour that's on so many threads when men like this move in with women who have their own place.

So he’s already made you make the adjustments like giving your mum a seperate sitting room. This was your first red flag and now he wants her out. Next it’ll be your children

Good, glad you are saying he should leave.

And please look at why you are taking the responsibility of the housework from him OP.

He sounds like a cocklodging manchild, not a true partner.

I really think he was biding his time and was always going to try and make you kick your mum out once he had his feet under the table.

@LolaSmiles Yes and the easy fix is leave him, what I'm saying is if OP wants any chance of a normal relationship then this isn't going to work, unless an elderly parent needs care it's unusual and stunting to live with them.

Your poor mum. She will know by his attitude that he wants rid of her. There’s no way I would have put anyone before my mum. OP. She’s elderly and your mum and she won’t be here for ever. Pricks like him are 10 a penny!!

Christ on a bike, he wasn't tricked into moving in with the, OP!

He knew her domestic set-up.

I wouldn't want to live with a partner and their parent either, but as I'm not a manipulative knobhead I would say 'I don't think our lifestyles are compatible' rather than moving in and then throwing my weight around and trying to push the parent out.

Agree that reality is often different to expectation - but in that case he should be saying "Sorry, but I find this household too busy after living alone - especially with your mum always being about as we don't seem to have any privacy. It might be better if we found a house together and helped your mum find a nice little flat - or perhaps you'd prefer to go back to the way it was, with me stopping over occasionally."

But he doesn't - he says "Get your mother out - now!" his isn't reasonable. Or caring.