He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Sounds like she's being too nice to say anything 🤷‍♀️

Sadly people are this wet. I agree it could well be a troll post, but this happens ALL the time. Woman needs to be validated by man and “being in a relationship”. Man gets his feet under the table probably by love bombing and other abusive tactics, moves in, “changes”, and then starts the control freakery. It will be her kids next, then her, if it’s not already. Then he’ll want to marry her, put everything in his name etc. All while she plays house maid but it’s all good because she’s got a man.

He sounds awful OP. To you and the rest of your household. What is he actually contributing?

Please tell him to leave.

Get rid of this vile man ! … last in , first out ! Byeeeee 👋🏻 he sounds controlling and manipulative and it trying to isolate you from your mum , who you (I assume) are close to. Plus he knew she lived with you , and he chose to move on! Be rid of him … his behaviour will only get worse !

Careful! There are loads of women who take this at face value.

Kick the fucker out!Your Mum was there first and he sounds like a controlling bully. If you kick her out, who will he want out next? Your DC?

I agree with this. He sounds like a controlling bully. You may not have seen this side of his character before he moved into your home, but now that you've seen the real him, how can you even be in a relationship with him, let alone allow him to stay....?

He sounds awful but so do you , OP . How can you possibly let your mum put up with him refusing to eat her food , ignoring her , and being generally hostile ? She must be treading on eggshells the whole time . Shame on you for not insisting he leaves .

Your poor mum - she’s probably felt terrible since he has been there when he feels this way and i suspect he’s not hidden his feelings. Obviously you need to get rid of him not your mum. its a worry that you need to ask to be honest.

why does he think he should have rights over who should come into the property when she doesn’t ? He has no more claim on your property than she does. Why do his feelings trump hers!

you need to get rid of your so-called partner. He’s not really being a partner to you is he he’s just giving you grief about your mum being there. How unkind and unfeeling he is.

Horrible situation for you. It must surely have been a nicer situation without him!

Op, it sounds like you have seen the light if your last post is any indication. Congrats, now stick to your resolve and kick this pest out.

I took on a lot of his responsibilities that he would normally have to do in his own home like the cleaning and cooking. It should all have made it easier for him - and us- to adjust I thought.

Great little set up for him. Having someone else wash his jocks and socks.

I did say YABU , but only in that you want to let him get used to things. He is a controlling horror of a man. Your mum is a soft target for him, but it will escalate.
Seems he is basically a lodger, pays for himself , not clear of that’s a share of utilities , and council tax, or just his food. Either way, he needs to go. You all deserve better.

My stepfather was very controlling. When my mum’s mum left her husband after 50 years she moved in with mum and my stepfather. He told her that her mother had made a pass at him in the middle of the night! So mum asked her to leave. She was 75. Luckily her other daughter, my aunt, found her a place near to her in sheltered housing. Later I had to move in with them due to my marriage breaking down, with my 11 year old son. He told mum that my son was stealing things and vandalised the fireplace. She believed him and we were asked to leave. She wasn’t allowed to go out without him and I told her that the only way I would see her was if it was without him. She was on kidney dialysis by now and in receipt of DLA but he spent it all on alcohol and cigarettes. He would wake her up in the morning swigging from a bottle of whiskey. One day she turned up at mine ( we lived about 15 miles apart) on her own and announced that she wanted to leave him. I was so relieved. I found a flat that was up for rent around the corner and she moved in alone. This could be your future if you don’t get rid of him now.

So you clean, you cook, I'm assuming you do all the house admin because it is your house, and this knob decides his responsibility is dictating to everyone else what they should do? He played nice earlier and is now showing his true colours. Please throw him out.

He doesn’t like it ! So best get him
to leave

he should leave anyway.. not only “ if he doesn’t like it” he is not going to like it and will go on and on and on until your mum is worn down by it all and is either made ill or leaves! He is your partner and supposed to love you it’s not very loving behaviour is it? What a dreadful man.. get rid

Op you say you've been "acting as go between" and hoping everything will work out. I feel like you must be walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace and keep him happy. There must be a lot of tension in the home that has slowly built up over the past year that you've just been unconsciously absorbing so that you barely realise the strain it's putting on you. Your poor mum and kids must feel it too. Please make him leave, the relief for all of you will be palpable.

he knew what he was getting into, but I couldn’t have a parent live with me that long, or ever in the first place!

If you, your children and your mother are happy with the current arrangement then clearly he needs to go. As he is the problem and you were all living there first. For the record l couldn’t live with my MIL and my husband couldn’t live with my mother. Difference is we have the self awareness to know this and / or not arrogant enough to think things needs to changed around us. He should have gone into this with his eyes wide open, unless this was always his plan to force her out

This. It's your house, not his. He contributes nothing other than a bad atmosphere.

he’s made me feel like I’m being unreasonable not to kick her out and that by not doing it I’m a bad girlfriend.

This is what really makes me think it's the tip of the iceberg with his controlling behaviour. He's behaving appalling and now makes this ridiculous demand, all while conditioning you to think you're the one being unreasonable. Classic tactics.

As PP said, he wants to play the 'big man' yet can't afford/be bothered to set up his own home.

He probably has designs on your mother's room. For his own mum.

If he doesn’t like it he should leave, not my mum.

I'm a bit disgusted that your response to the overwhelming sentiment on here is to give him an ultimatum rather than making an active decision yourself.

You aren't a passenger in your own life. This man is taking advantage of you, setting a shitty example of what a man should be to your children and actively ignoring your mum in her own home which must be making her so sad.

You're planning to give him a choice as to whether he stays or goes?! Why?!

Kick him out. You poor mum and kids.

I suspect this also. Get rid.

Very keen on his decision attitudes ruling his behaviour because 'its his home'.
Hypocrite though because he is conveniently ignoring the fact it is her home.
She is being herself and hasn't changed.
He's freezing her out, ignoring her contribution (refusing to eat her food) and behaving like a dick towards her.

She does not deserve to be low level bullied in her own home. And if I was in your position his feet wouldn't have touched the ground.

Who does he think he is!? that he is more important than her. He's the man. He's your partner and that places him above her does it.

She's an equal human and was there first and he's trying to throw his weight around. Bullying arsehole that he is.

If he treated her respectfully, discussed difficulties and looked for solutions it might be different.

As it is he's treating her like shit, complaining she's spoiling his home (though it's hers too) and just wants rid.

Fuck him

I took on a lot of his responsibilities that he would normally have to do in his own home like the cleaning and cooking. It should all have made it easier for him - and us- to adjust I thought.

Sorry, what? Are you saying he doesn't cook or clean at all @Areyouhavingabubble2?