He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

How did you get entangled with this septic cockbag? Get him gone, can’t believe you even need to ask!

Boyfriends/partners/husbands/lovers come and go.

Mothers are forever.

Tell him to leave.

When I read the title of your post, I was on his side. Then I read the post and agree he is a twat and it's him that needs to leave. She was there before him and its your home. I feel really sorry for your mum she must feel so uncomfortable.

I wonder if he wants rid of your mother as he sees her as something of a safety net for you, preventing him from assuming more control, someone who might say "oi, what u up to?".
I'd also worry that his viewpoint might be that once your children leave for uni or turn 18 that's it, never coming back. Which might not have been the way you planned things.
I think perhaps send him back to the wild.

On the face of it, he seems unreasonable.

But is he actually saying 'Kick your mum out' (as you've written) or is he expressing frustration at how things are different to his assumptions before he moved in and trying to find a solution - which for example could be buying another house between you with a granny annexe.

There is a big difference.

Many posters here are calling him controlling. He may well be a nasty piece of work.

But on the other hand, he may just be facing the reality of what it's like in your home.

If you really love him, and he you, surely you'd sit down and try to find a solution rather than just 'kicking your mum out'.

Mixed generation living is always very difficult especially in a small house (rather than an annexe.)

I'd be asking how old your Mum is, why she chose to move in with you ( finances/ loneliness,/hands-on baby sitter?) and if it was meant to a permanent arrangement. Is she infirm, or was she just lonely?

All of this matters because you may want to rethink the future.

Even if he is a waste of space, the same issue may arise again if you are looking for a partner and you need to be realistic about how many men would be happy living with a MIL.

He wants to be the man of the house without actually contributing anything. Fuck that. This man knew the score when he moved in. Let him go find his own place where he can live in perfect peace, quiet and solitude.

He's actively ignoring OP's mum.

That isn't excusable.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 How do you think he would react if asked to move out?

Would he be shocked? Go quietly? Agree there is a problem and leave?

He sounds absolutely awful-and I agree with PP-once your Mum is gone your kids will be next...

Get him out!!!!

You don't know that @EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight

It's always tempting to think the worst of people but surely the reality of day to day life in the house is very different to his assumptions beforehand?

There are other solutions apart from kicking the mum out.

eg buying a home together, or 3 -ways, and having more space for 3 generations.

The red flags are hanging out of this guy. I'd ask him to leave op. He sounds very controlling.

Sounds like you a successful intelligent woman who’s set up a lovely household for you and your kids and your mum, financially providing, and in many ways creating the absolute ideal living situation.
Then he’s come in and started to criticise, create tension, give you extra chores and he’s not even paying anything towards the house.
Why are you letting him do this? How does Woman A who created this square with Woman B who’s letting this man squat in her home like a toad?

Got half way down the OP.

Bin him off and kick him out

Might be best to read the thread, the mother has her own sitting room and lots of friends over

I have been trying to manage the situation by acting as the go between and being hopeful that it can work and we can all learn to get along.
I realise now that it’s not going to happen and he’s made me feel like I’m being unreasonable not to kick her out and that by not doing it I’m a bad girlfriend.
Now I see rationally that this isn’t the case and wanted to have some clarity from others that I’m sane and my decision not to kick my mum out is normal behaviour. If he doesn’t like it he should leave, not my mum.

There are so many posts here that are condemning this man without knowing all the facts.

You may all be right.

But on the other hand, we really don't know WHY the mum is there, what her options are, if this was meant to be a forever arrangement, or what.

If she's 80+ then it looks permanent, if she's in her 60s and could have a new life for herself, then surely the OP needs to re-think the whole thing if she wants to bring a man into their lives.

You only need four words for him

"Off you fuck, dear"

But on the other hand, he may just be facing the reality of what it's like in your home.

What are you on about? Yes, that's the reality. It's her house, her and her mother's home and it works for them. If he doesn't like that reality then rather than try to bend it to his will while contributing pretty much nothing, he can go back to living on his own. Why is that so objectionable? This is what's on offer. You take it, or you leave it, but you don't take it, exploit what it gives you and try to throw out the rest while putting nothing in.

No. You get rid of him...

He's been irritated with her since day one
He now ignores her
He tries to limit her visitors

My opinion is that he's been engineering pushing the mother out since the start.

?

It would help if you said why your mum moved in and if it was meant to be for good.

Is she ill or was this an arrangement that helped you out and it suited you both?

Is this the first man you've got close to in 8 years and why has he moved in rather than any others before?

So much we don't know and if it doesn't work with him, how do you see the future?

He is a vile man and probably controlling and this was his long term plan.

He knew the situation when he moved in.

You are doing a truly great thing for your mother - who will always be your mother.

I write as some who's mother has died. I can tell you if you ask your mother to leave, you will regret it for the rest of your life and on her death it will be like a dead weight around your already broken heart.

This man doesn't sound like he thinks much of you, has much humanity in him or to be blunt , probably won't be in your life for very long in the overall scheme. Your mum will ALWAYS be your mother and you only get one of those.

I'd give anything to have my mother back and living with me and fuck any deadbeat man who interferes with you.

He saw you coming.
Get rid

Have you talked to your mum about this? Does she like him?

@NonPlayerCharacter Is it that hard to understand that how someone THINKS something will be when they are asked to move in can be different to the reality?

The way the OP has worded her thread makes it clear she thinks he's wrong which i s fine, but she did invite him and it was a risk.

God tell him to get lost. He's not contributing to anything and then has spent a year intimidating your elderly mother? YABU to subject your mother to this and your children to this behaviour.