He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

How long were you with him before he moved in. Can't you have a relationship without living together.

He sounds scary I hope he never tells your mum how he feels. I would suggest he lives elsewhere and you can visit if you really want to continue the relationship. What a horrible man.

I voted you are being unreasonable because it is unreasonable that you haven't yet kicked out this selfish, disrespectful man

Not many men (or women if roles were reversed) would want to live long term with a parent in the house.

Then they don't have to. They can stay where they are. Couples do not always need to live together.

OP is happy to have her mother there now; should that change in the future they can look at other arrangements, but why on earth should she start stressing about how it might put off some theoretical future man who may or may not like it?

He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

YABU to stay in a relationship with such an arsehole.

Especially with kids watching this and being taught it's normal by you staying with him.

How long were you together before he moved in?

I'm baffled as to how you can share a bed with a man who is being cruel to your poor mum.

Boot him.

He sounds vile.

He is absolutely showing you who he is with his desire to control your household and exclude your mother. At the very least he’s a rude man baby but more likely, he sees your mother as an obstacle/witness to the full coercive control he like to exert over you and your children.

I’d end it and get him out asap. As previous poster said, I bet your mother and children will be so happy to see the back of him.

Difficult one? He's actively ignoring an elderly woman in her own home. Jesus.

Nope sorry. He will want your kids out when they are teenagers next. He knew the situation when he moved in and he has changed the goalposts. Time to take back control.

It's your home. It's your mums home. It's your kids home. He's the new person. While I'm sure you want to make him feel comfortable and at home it shouldn't be at the detriment of the people already living there. If he's unhappy he can more out. If he wants privacy he can move out.

I bet he doesn't move out but I'd throw him out if he keeps making comments about your mum. She doesn't need his nasty comments or his negativity.

I think you should give him notice to leave your home.

If you want to continue your relationship you do it from seperate homes.

Good luck

YABU not to kick your partner out. what a horrible man

How can you disrespect your mother so much? Why allow someone to hurt her in your home? Why do you need this man? What is he offering you?
Also, you are paying for his keep by providing him with a free home. Respect is a good word: yourself, your mother, your children, your home.

The DP has to go not the Mum. I think it was his plan all along to get rid of the op's mother from their living arrangement. Despicable behaviour

Maybe I could have left out the role reversal comment in my post

Yes, but you didn't. Interesting.

The rest of it is the same old verbose exercise in justifying why a man should be able to walk into someone else's house and an arrangement he accepted, and then impose his will and evict people because he doesn't like it, rather than just removing himself. Why everywhere he goes, people should change to accommodate him.

No wall of mealy mouthed text will make this reasonable. You're just showing how little you understand about how control works.

Next will be your eldest kid (as soon as they turn 18)

Kick your partner out - you deserve better

He sounds none contributing and useless but I don't know what you expected, you're not going to have charmers lining up when you have multiple kids and an elderly mother living with you. I think if you ever want a partner who lives with you then you'll struggle with this arrangement to attract a decent one who would agree

Role reversal point is very interesting. It’s hard to overcome biases - isn’t it?

If you reverse roles, it just seems correct for the mil to move out. Or atleast I’d expect the man to have a frank conversation with his mum about annoying things she does.

I lived with my MIL for 12 years until she died. It was hard but I would never have asked my DH to move her out she was there before me.
Everyone is saying chuck him out OP, and im saying it too. He sounds really horrible and you, your mum and your kids deserve better.

"Pays for himself" 😂😂😂

OP why is he still there?

He gets used to it or he leaves. Your mum is part of the package

You do realise once he gets rid of your mother, then your children, then it will be you !

As he will marry you then expect half of your house ! and even tho he is not entitled to it he will try ! and it will cost you £££'s to keep your own home !

Have a good think of that whilst you are giving your head a wobble.

and please for goodness sake DO NOT GET PREGNANT !

I so hope that you update by Monday saying he left this weekend...

I agree with this.

OP if he wants to limit your mum's visitors to the house how does he feel about your children having friends over? Or has this being curtailed too? How does he interact with the kids, is their dad an involved father and how is DP reaction to him? You have had a very strong response from posters on here (to put it mildly) but have you talked with him about how the relationship would continue going forward, does he not think you would be resentful of him if he forced your mother out or does he fully believe that you will be what he wants no matter how it damages family relationships.

She has lived with you for 8 years and he knew who he was moving in with when he chose to move in. Offer for him to move out again