He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

So he's basically a cocklodger. Get rid.

I don't think you can move in with anyone when you already know the living arrangements and then expect to change it. I definitely don't think you can be kicking elderly women out when there's a perfectly good arrangement in place that suited everyone until you came along.

OP your partner sounds like a bit of a dick here really.

Another vote for kick him out. How perfectly horrid. I'd be worried about him being this controlling in the future. Your mother is always your mother; your partner has a high chance of not being that in 5 years time! Get rid now.

Exactly this! 🤣👏👏

She is not his mil, they are not married, he is just a nasty controlling bully child.

From reading Mumsnet and also a few other women's groups with lots of women on in their 30s/40s/50s with their own homes - there do seem to be lots of potential cocklodgers out there. I've seen a few people in the groups saying they can't even be bothered with OLD any more as there are so many user men looking for women with their own homes to sponge off. This looks like one of those tbh.

Aaand, a rebuttal of the "if my auntie had wheels she'd be a bicycle" nonsense is now "vitriol". You guys really don't like having the plotholes pointed out, do you?

The only situation to save is the one that made OP happy, and it's clear to anyone without a silly agenda what this twat is after and why he feels entitled to it.

You want some "reverse the sexes" stuff, try this: do you think he'd move into a house full of men and start trying to bully and manipulate them while expecting them to cook his dinner and wash his pants?

Time to kick him out

Don't let him come between you and your Mum, he knew the deal when he moved in

OP he really does need to leave.!
He doesn’t sound like a good catch .
Maybe just maybe in the future things could change for you and him but you can’t kick your mother out when you have something that has worked for you all for a long time .

It would put me right off him .
Your poor mum must be feeling like crap with the way he’s treating her . Can you imagine how he would behave with her gone .

Hes going to be the controlling type abs is already trying to take over . Your home wouldn’t be yours or your kids anymore.
Get him out before he gets his hands on your house

Being blunt, he sounds out of order.

However, in the long term, if you do decide to date and are looking for a partner, it's a tricky issue.

Not many men (or women if roles were reversed) would want to live long term with a parent in the house.

Do you see this plan with your mum continuing forever, depending on her age?
Does she have anywhere to go?

We don't know if she sold her house, owns a house, or bought the house with you.

And what are her thoughts about having your partner live with you?

All of these make a big difference.

I knew of someone whose elderly mother moved in with her and her husband. The H was happy to accommodate the MIL (although it wasn't perfect). However, they divorced (nothing to do with the MIL being there.) When the wife bought her own house, after the divorce, her mum went into a care home as she didn't think it was fair or realistic to 'house her' long term as her new partner didn't want a live-in MIL.

Things can change.

I'm struggling to see his good points, you need to kick him out.

However, I would not want to live with inlaws so it is something to consider for future partners. How old is your mother?

Struggling to understand why he hasnt been kicked to the curb yet. You can do WAY better

I can't believe you're still allowing him to stay in your home and treat your mother this way OP! Why isn't he gone?

Adding another voice to the "Get rid of him" contingent. Why earth are you allowing this awful, controlling man to tell you who can live in your house. Get rid and do it now!

Imagine you get together with someone and their mother lives with them and there are also children in the mix. You don't want to live with your partner's mother so you don't move in in the first place and continue the relationship but living separately.

Imagine you get together with someone and their mother lives with them and there are also children in the mix. You move in anyway, knowing full well what the situation is. You then discover you don't like it so you do the decent thing and say "I'm sorry, I love you, but the living arrangements are not working for me so I am going to rent my own place but I would like to continue the relationship living separately"

Not, I move in with someone knowing who lives there, decide I don't like it and then start stamping my foot and insisting that my partner kicks out her mother who has lived there for 8 years. Nope. Absolutely not.

He needs to go. This exact situ happened to my cousin. She chose DP over DM. It all got v nasty, completely split the wider family, (her DC older than yours) and when he realised there wasn't as much cash to be had as he'd anticipated, he left. Not to say this last bit relates to you, but to illustrate you can't imagine how things can turn on a sixpence.

This

I agree with the majority on here; so just to add, you are right now setting the benchmark for how your adult children will treat you in years to come. If your mother is disposable, so will you be.

Please get this awful man out of your home. He is currently focused on your mother. Once he has booted her out it will be your children. Protect your family please!!!

He needs to go and live somewhere else.
I feel sorry for your mum!

OP, I'm very worried for your family. He knew before moving in that you have a large and busy household that includes your elderly mum and your children, their friends and your friends coming and going. The household ran well and you all loved and supported one another. OP, as others have said, you only have one mum and you're fortunate to have a good relationship with your mum. Cherish the fact that circumstances have brought you all together and protect what you have and what you own.

He sounds absolutely vile, please kick him out today!

You, your mum and kids have been living in what sounds like a really lovely supportive set up for the last 8 years and now your partner who has only been living there for A YEAR has the audacity to say that he wants your mother to leave.

This man is a bully and I wouldn't want him anywhere near my family and kids, I would bet good money that if he succeeds in convincing you to kick out your mum his bullying and nastiness will turn towards you and children.

It sounds like he doesn't really contribute to the household at all, he sounds cruel and demanding and unsupportive and I'm struggling to see what he actually brings to the table. I can't believe that he feels he should have an equal say as you in your own home.

Living with an in-law is not for everyone but he was fully aware of your situation beforehand and obviously thought he could move in and manipulate you into doing as he pleases. You've already made some seperate living spaces to give as much privacy as possible and been more than accommodating to him.

I would get rid of him without hesitation, I'm really sorry you're in this nasty position but would urge you to protect your home and family and not waste another second on this awful man.

However, in the long term, if you do decide to date and are looking for a partner, it's a tricky issue.

It depends on what people are looking for though. Plenty of people these days prefer to live in separately and still have a rewarding relationship. There's a lot to be said for it, especially for people who still have children living at home, for example.

Not many men (or women if roles were reversed) would want to live long term with a parent in the house

So they shouldn't move in with a partner who has a parent living in the house and can decide whether they want a relationship where they live separately or whether living together is non-negotiable.

I had this with my ex, who lived with his parents in the same house, though he did have his own living space including kitchen and living room. I was very clear that I would not, at any point, want to live in the house with his parents (because they were very unpleasant actually). He later moved in with me but he turned out to be a cocklodger. That's a very long story though....

Kick him out, he knew the situation and wants control of you and your kids get rid now, he has red flags take it from women that know.
Children first then you and mum, he is a worthless mooch

No I don't think he would, and agree that this would be sexist. I feel that there is a possibility, not probability, a possibility, that this man moved in on mutually agreeable terms and over time he has realised that certain aspects are not tolerable. Things said in the heat of the moment as a one off in anger MAY be written here my the OP like they are his calm, sober views and ultimate position, and understandably posters interpret this as abusive and cocklodging behaviour. I'm not arguing against that. I am trying to urge the OP to take a step back and assess whether this guy is acting maliciously or his he frustrated that she can't see her faults and is lashing out in frustration.

Maybe I could have left out the role reversal comment in my post, I just know what I've read about live in mothers of men, and how the relationship suffers, and its the sons fault. Yes these situations are not directly comparable and not exonerate this guy, but I was trying to evoke the frustrations that people openly talk about when co-habiting with in-laws and how these might only manifest over time.