He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

Obviously we've got the "if the sexes were reveeeeeersed" whiners on here, but they've got it arse about face: he'd never move into a house of men, including the homeowner, and think he could just start kicking them out and bullying them into submission to suit him while they cook and clean for him

Yes, these "if the sexes were reversed" people drive me absolutely mad claiming to know what posters would say if the OP had said she had moved in with her partner and the MIL was annoying her and she wanted to kick her out.

1. No scenario is identical, even if we reverse sexes, and posters respond to each scenario differently.
2. It is often used as a way of excusing poor behaviour by a man and to shut down arguments.

In any case, it does not matter who is who in this situation and what sexes the partners are. The partner moved in to an established household of homeowner, homeowner's mother and homeowner's children, knowing full well who lived there etc. and if they have found, for whatever reason, the situation is not to their liking then they need to move out and find their own place to live rather than suggesting that one of the established household moves out.
This is not the same situation as moving in with someone and a while later one of the couple wants to move an elderly relative in because that is not what they agreed to when they started living together.

Oh no op
keep your mum
ditch the bloke

@Areyouhavingabubble2

If he was a good man / good partner he would appreaciate your mother being there,
she helps out with some cooking and cleaning
even wants to babysit whenever it's needed,

She sounds lovely

I can understand sometimes when living together,
You can get on each others nerves space wise, sometimes or occasionally,
That's just life, !

your partner sounds very controlling,

there is nothing in your thread that really stands out as his viewpoint on your mother is valid, well founded at all,

It sounds like he just prefer it to be you and him against the world in facade of intimacy cosynes based on him running the show on his terms mostly,

Your boyfriend attitude and behaviour reeks to high heavens of abusive control freak alert here,

Be careful cause this thread of yours sounds like a massive red banner flag waving in the wind,

I could understand if your mother was abusive in some way, your boyfriend attitude,

and cause your her daughter you just can't see it type of situation,
your boyfriend attitude would be understandable in a situation like that and totally valid reasonable,

but that just isn't the case in the situation you describe here..

Imagine if you were living with a nightmare interfering MIL - how would you feel?

This is ridiculous.

It is your mother who has been there 8 years why would you even need to post on here about the opinions of some cock lodger.

A

This is very worrying, sounds like the beginning of controlling behaviour. Separating you from your family is a classic sign. The not eating the food cooked by your mum is ridiculous and a terrible example to your kids.

First your mum
next your kids
next controlling your friends
This man is a massive red flag

Well if I had gone into an existing arrangement that included her and didn't like it, I'd move out again.

Is that so hard?

But this woman isn't a nightmare or interfering at all. She does more to help out than he does and she has her own life.

So what's your point?

Now he has moved in he wants to control you. He's already treating your mother badly, how long before he starts to treat your children the same way. Will he want to control whether their friends visit and then whether your friends visit? I wonder what your children think of him? I'd get rid of him.

Giving your mother a separate sitting room was sensible, I'm glad she has somewhere to retreat away from him.

Perhaps your mother would prefer to move out - not have to cook for everyone, be made to fell unwelcome and have whoever she wants to visit. How old is she, there may be accommodation available for elderly people being made homeless. As she ages and the children grow her living with you may need to change, but not for this man.

Oh yes!

Why do people move men/women into their families homes with their kids anyway? Are people incapable of a nice relationship living seperately until the kids move out? Imagine someone one day saying to you "this person is about to be around you every day and you have absolutely no control over it." Let alone if they are an arsehole

He knew the score in advance. He is acting like a child. I wouldn't even consider kicking my Mother out and I wouldn't expect a decent human being to ask me to.

I would tell him to leave then, it's your home not his and if he can't be civil then he has to go. You're not married to him, you owe him diddly.

Dump him. He's not a keeper.

Tell him to move back out, how can you put him before your mum?

Imagine your children doing this you when you are older and there’s your answer, as if you don’t already know.

He has to move out.

the arrogance of suggesting kicking out an elderly woman who’s lived there 8 years when he moved in not long ago???? No

also she’s the kids’ granny!

kick him out, bin him if necessary.

Not sure what you are getting out of this OP to be honest. It sounded like you had a nice situation set up with your mum and now he is trying to change it. It's not going to work, time he moved on.

Disappointed, but not stupid enough to think that after 12 months I'd win any "it's me or her" ultimatum.

I'd have a sensible calm conversation with my partner about how I felt and I'd make arrangements to move out.

And on what basis are you assuming that MIL is interfering?

How old is your mother?

'Elderly' could, for some people, be as young as 60s or late 80s.

I think your partner is wrong, but on the other hand, I think it maybe needed some foresight on your behalf as to what might work if you did find a partner who wanted to live with you.

Longer term, is your mum so unwell that she would need a care home or do you envisage doing the caring yourself in your home?

There was a thread on here last week asking what it was that made you realise your DP / DH was "the one". I commented that it was the way mine treated my mum from the first day he met her. As a PP has said, I can't believe you can love or fancy (or even like!) someone who treats your elderly parent like this. I wonder what your poor mum thinks of him.

Imagine if you were living with a nightmare interfering MIL - how would you feel?

I think it's more of a 'imagine if you knew your MIL was already living in the home you were planning on moving into, had spent a lot of time at that home and knew the set up and how she lived, and knew she'd been there a long time and was unlikely to live anwhere else - and THEN, knowing all this, moved in and got upset that the home you saw before you moved in was exactly the same after you moved in. How would you feel?'

Personally, I 'd feel like a right idiot for moving into a home that was not going to match what I needed and then getting upset about it.

You said it for me. Op sounds numb if this is real?

No need for such vitriol. I am trying to understand his frustrations and help the OP save this situation if at all possible. In my later post I have suggested that if any traits he is being accused of sound familiar it is time to ditch altogether.

Op, trust us, it’s not true that any man at all is better than no man at all.