He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

So two women live together. They have an arrangement that works well for them and one of them owns the house.

He moves in, after being fully aware of the arrangement. He gets all the benefits of one woman (reduced housing costs, domestic duties). And when the other doesn't facilitate his life because she has her own, he goes on a mission to get her evicted by making her home life a misery. And can't understand why Woman 1 isn't happily going along with it.

I think that tells you all you need to know. He'll start on the kids next.

lol I know right! I think it's 100%

Why on earth are you allowing him to stay in YOUR house when he is so nasty towards your elderly mum?!
Kick the tosser out and live happily ever after.

Yes.

Eventually he'll find your children irritating and elbow them out. Then he'll start on your 'irritating ' habits. Get rid of him. What an unpleasant individual.

Kick him out. Problem solved.

I think this thread is a wind up,…surely no one would put up with this and start an OP asking for advice !!!

You clearly think more about him than you do about your poor mother.
So in that case you should just hoof her out, throwing her bags after her.
Then, when your kids leave school, you can do the same with them.
When you finally end up alone with this wanker of a bloke you can enjoy all the benefits of being a couple without all the baggage.
Until he breaks you. Which he will.
You won't see it coming until boom, it hits you in the face....hard!
So yeah, go ahead and put a wanker before your mum and kids.

This

Your mum has been living with you at YOUR house for 8 years. Your bloke moved in a year ago and is making things difficult. Get rid - of HIM

Oh yes yes yes.

Talk to Women’s Aid.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

They can help you because in typical abuser fashion he will make it very difficult for you to get him out now that he’s installed himself in your home, like a parasite !

All you need to say though is “ This isn’t working for me so you need to get out asap.”

Don't get stuck on trying to get back the lovely man he may have come across as at the start of your relationship.
That was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’s showing you now, his true self and there will be more to come.
When you tell him to get out

You'll experience a range of tactics :
Love bombing
Guilt tripping
verbal abuse
silent treatment
threats to kill himself

All known abuser tactics ( as are attempts to isolate you from friends and family, which he’s already started on )

I’m telling you this OP because my ex dh was like this.
MN helped me see him for who he really was and I divorced him 2 years ago ( after a hard battle)
Life is bliss now and I have a new lovely DP.

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

You deserve better than this. Send him on his way.

Re your Mum, though, I wonder whether you could make enquiries about whether semi-independent housing is available for a lady of her age in your area. Would she consider that?

I'm just wondering whether it would be nice for her to have more companionship from other people beyond her immediate family.

Yes, this. How long do you think he’ll allow your DC to stay there past 18?

His behaviour is appalling and he needs to go and go quickly. Date him if you must, but get him out of your home.

Well, you know who should move out…and it’s not your mum.

As my mum would say he needs to shape up or ship out!

Don't even date him. He's horrible!

Why why why are you doing so much for this toe rag? It's so nice that you're close enough to your mum that she can live happily enough with you, and the kids have their grandmother at home. It sounds like a great set-up.
He sounds like a total wanker - kick him out!

🚪

The OP said her mum is super sociable and has lots of visitors - I think the set up sounds perfect other than cock-lodger

@Areyouhavingabubble2 I've picked out a number of your sentences. Each one of these is a red flag. I was brought up by a narcissist and have studied the subject extensively, with qualifications including a diploma - I can tell you that these behaviours are really alarming.

"He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes"
It's all about him, isn't it? She is just being her and he is perceiving her normal behaviour as being antagonistic toward him. Going against his wishes?!! How bloody dare he!

"She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her."
Petty, hurtful and nasty. And a complete lack of respect for your mother.

"He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else."
He just assumed everything would be as he decided. If it wasn't how he decided he would just throw strops until it was.

"We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do."
So he has really taken over your home, he complains about lack of privacy but really he just wants the place to himself. (Have you seen Saltburn?!)

"He seems to think it’s unreasonable to make decisions myself as it’s now also his home and he should be able to make decisions."
But it's your mother's home too?

"He think we should limit the friends coming over as he doesn’t want to come home from a hard day at the office and not be able to relax fully as someone else is there."
JFC, she's an adult. Who the fuck does he think he is?

"He knew the situation and spent a lot of time at the house with everyone and even told me how lovely it was. He changed once he moved in."
Biggest red flag of the lot.

"I took on a lot of his responsibilities that he would normally have to do in his own home like the cleaning and cooking."
He really has it made doesn't he?

Beware, beware, beware. This horrifically controlling guy will destroy your life. He'll get rid of your mother and then your kids will piss him off because he'll need to manipulate something else to prove to himself that he's in charge.
They are probably aware already that he doesn't like their mother and wants her gone, this will affect them - they will feel unnerved as you seem to be allowing his behaviour. Having been successful in getting rid of your mother, he won't stop until your kids are gone, or at the very least, your relationship with them is destroyed.
He will have you walking on eggshells around him. You will end up being a shell of yourself.

Are you even seriously thinking about kicking your mouth out for that idiot???
Give your head a wobble!
What is wrong with you?

He wants to be cock of the walk. But in reality he's just a cock.

This one's trouble. Once he's made himself king of your house he'll be laying down the law on how you and your children are allowed to live. I'd get him out ASAP for the sake of your whole family.

Plenty of red flags here @Areyouhavingabubble2 , just in the little you’ve told us.

He’s an abusive cocklodger and you really need to kick him out and preferably dump him as well.