To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

@CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor I wish I could say I was surprised at your mother's reaction to this thread but I'm not. She's a cheeky fucker who feels entitled to that money and she isn't. Especially when she's too lazy to provide the level of care you're providing to your daughter you sound like a fantastic mum!

Wise decision op not to allow her to claim it, this would have severely bitten you on the arse. Your mother needs to get off her arse and get a job and give her head a wobble if she seriously thinks this is acceptable. Because it isn't.

Is it a full moon tonight because every thread so far just makes me think w....t....f!

All that, and the bits you've probably forgotten, and the 'usual' parenting, and a job, you're a heroine, and your employers sound great. Stick with them.

Your mother on the other hand.....I'm not sure I can be polite about her

No. This is disgusting.

people like your mother make it difficult for genuine claimants. Dishonestly using your daughter to claim a benefit she’s not entitled to because she doesn’t want to work.

Evidently your mother hasn't really registered the full force of people's disgust if that is how she thinks.

I'll tell her what is unfair: my DS with a lifelong condition who is wheelchair-bound, incontinent and with a mental age of around 4, has to go for an interview at the Job Centre to prove he really is unable to work. We have to accept that as part of the process of his being awarded benefits, to prove that he really really is disabled and that he is not one of the grifters out there like your mother who try it on to extort cash from the system.

And I am really glad you are standing your ground.

This, you could get into trouble and have your own benefits removed if found to be complicit in her lies. She sounds lazy and greedy, it exasperates me that so many people out there feel entitled to a free lifestyle courtesy of everyone else.

I could have claimed carers allowance when my mother was diagnosed with motor neurone disease. It's terminal, so it wouldn't have been a problem. But because my mother was one of my mental health triggers it was a gigantic fuck no!
It's people like your mother who have made it harder for those of us who are actually entitled to financial help to get it.

mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits.

AKA fraud.

Well done for standing your ground OP.

You are doing a fantastic job for your DD and I am heartened to hear that your employer is so supportive.

As a taxpayer (and with a child with a disability) I am more than happy to support need and what people are actually entitled to. But I’m damned if I am prepared to work, parent a child with a disability (well, grown up now) and work myself into the ground, as I did to keep it all going, to enable lazy grifters like your Mum to claim money and then doubtless be no help to you at all!

Also… if your mum is as debilitated and has a genetic condition to the extent that she believes she was entitled to PIP etc, why would you leave your Dd in her care? It wouldn’t be safe. The list of what you do for your Dd involves a lot of lifting. Of a 9 yo.

I'm not a supporter because her mum's mindset is definitely not a unique or uncommon one in the U.K.!

Example of why the U.K. is a mess!!

People treat taxpayer money as free money to share amongst their family.

That's why many continue to support the conservatives

I'd say no. You'd lose your flexibility with your employer and your DD needs you to have this. Your Mum should get a job. Why don't you suggest she gets a job as a carer as she's so keen to care for your DD who is of course at school most of the time.

I genuinely don't understand why you enable her behaviour so much. Time to step back and let her deal with her own shit rather than being sucked into a situation where you became unsure of whether you were right to say no to fraud and making your own life considerably harder.

I guarantee she would find anything she didn't like 'unfair' and try and emotionally manipulate everyone close to her accordingly.

Time to go low contact if you can. For your own wellbeing and that of your daughter.

I would suggest that your mother is not healthy enough to be a career - especially as she has the same issues as your daughter….

YANBU. Your mother sounds like a lazy scrounger. Sorry, (not sorry) but thats what she sounds like from your description.

Absolutely do not do this for her. Carers Allowance is horrendously low and desperately needs reform - people gaming the system and defrauding in this way will only make that reform harder to achieve, which in turn causes misery and poverty for many carers. Your mum needs to grow up and have some respect for people with actual caring responsibilities (like her daughter!).

As a Canadian, i just don't understand this Carer's Allowance.

It's just not a thing here. It is our job to care for our children or spouse. Yes, some people suffer financially because of reduced working hours. We just accept it as part of our responsibilities.

There is programme with the federal government that allows time off for a specified period to care for a terminally ill close relative.

I read blogs from the UK and am always stepping back from the keyboard when wives are unhappy with the "carer's allowance" they receive. I mean they are getting paid to fulfill their marriage vows and aren't happy with what they are getting.

If my husband was to become ill tomorrow and I had to leave my job, I'd get no financial assistance. It's our norm

OP, your Mum is a leech.

Surely that would be fraud as she wouldn’t be a cater? Ridiculous

Carer

And if you actually did do this, once the fraud was discovered and it would be, then who would be paying it back, because it doesn't sound like your bone idle, scrounging, thinks she's entitled mother would! Good for you for standing your ground on this. I'd definitely be looking at cutting her out of your life, she doesn't sound supportive or helpful to you at all 🤗🤗🤗

Tell her that if she wants to commit fraud it's up to her but you want no part of it

Absolutely no chance she should be collecting carers allowance. If for any reason you were no longer working she would argue that you could take any other job so she could still claim, but it’s not for her! It should be freely available to you or husband should you need it.
Lazy bugger needs to get a job!

Dear God your mother is a piece of work!

@jeromeleen if there was a way to identify you if report you for that fraud. Why do I pay taxes so your family can rob it?