To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Sorry but your mum sounds proper scummy!

She is trying to commit benefit fraud and wants you to enable it? No way!

Why does your mum feel unable to work? Is she scared? Has she been out of the work place a long time? Instead of focusing on carers allowance maybe help her to look at jobs she could do even if only working from home after all in her early 60’s she probably wont have too long to go til retirement maybe she feels physically and mentally unwell even if its only in her own mind; sounds like she needs a bit of support in that regard

This is fraud /theft. My child has a genetic condition and requires a lot of support but I'd never dream of entertaining this especially from someone in your own family. They should be supporting you not trying to steal hard earned tax payer money. It's disgusting.

Tell her to get a job . Lazy entitled sponger.

This sounds like fraud. Also sounds like she would be claiming the allowance while not doing the work that she would get the money for. It would also look suspicious if anyone finds out you don't claim it but still care for your daughter like you have been doing

Absolutely not the grabbing sod. She’s using your poor DD as a meal ticket and taking the mick out of you. I’d go further and report her. If she thinks she’s too old to work she should have saved prior so she didn’t have to.

Do not let her claim this. You don’t know how the future will pan out. You might need to give up work or reduce your hours in future where you will be eligible to claim for this element for yourself and your DD, and you won’t be able to if your mum is claiming it. Aside from logical thoughts, your mum sounds like she has some mental health issues that need addressing!

Unless your mum is prepared to care for your daughter for 37 hrs a week she isn’t entitled to carers allowance

Does your Mum need mumsnet to explain fraud to her?

Given it was your mum who suggested you post this here, do you think she's read it yet? How do you think she will react if/when she does?

I am sorry OP but your Mum is a prime example of everything that is wrong with this country!! Tell her to get off her lazy arse and get a f*cking job!!! I am shaking my head in utter despair!!!

YANBU, she would have to lie to the DWP on the claim form in the first place
and when she inevitably gets caught out you would be affected too. You are receiving support as a carer for your DD in other ways and seem to have your life sorted. Don’t put this in jeopardy because your mother won’t work.

I hope your mum does read this thread and gets off her lazy scrounging backside and gets a job.

Not going to comment on your relationship with your mum as there are two sides to every story but just for info you would still have rights as a carer even if not in receipt of carers element/allowance.

Tell her she can if she cares for your daughter for the correct amount of hours per week to make her eligible . She will soon shut her lazy pie hole then OP

I am absolutely gobsmacked that this is being considered. It is fraud - plain and simple. As a tax payer (like many others on here) this frustrates me when people try to exploit the system, at our expense. My husband who is is chronically unwell and is not able to work is entitled to nought. The system is so wrong.

WTAF? Your mother is batshit.

Sidenote: would it help to put a bed rail up to stop the falling out of bed?

Exactly the same here, but me. And why? Because my husband earns £10 over the amount allowed for me to be able to claim.

@Romanempirethoughts That makes it worse if anything as she sleeps on top of it. She's in a very low down bed now which seems to have solved some of the issues but she still falls out. The severeity of the falls has lessened with the lower bed though

I told mum no and showed her this thread.

She said that it was really unfair and she can't see why you're all against her.

I'm standing my ground with it, I won't be complict in fraud

Your work sound decent 😀

Doesn't surprise me. Really insanely entitled people genuinely cannot believe the world doesn't agree with them.

I have a sister like that. Nothing is important or real unless it’s directly happening to her.