To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

I think you ready know the answer to this one but just to clarify, you're not unreasonable and your mum is bonkers.She'd be much better placed getting some therapy and a life. Does she have some sort of personality disorder? I guess the crux really is what happens if you say no to things? Not just this but other stuff....or future demands. How will you respond when she stats ringing you because she's unwell? There was a recent thread here about a MIL who would literally self neglect to the point of hospitalisation to get attention from her son!

I'd say no, I'm sorry but it's not all about the money, there's also the risk that they realise she isn't actually a carer. She needs to be doing 35 hours a week unpaid caring. It is t about an hour a day and they can see right through fraudsters now. If you allow it to h³appen and they prove she isn't caring for your DD then your daughter name will always be blackened with benefits it could affect future reviews a d you could be prosecuted as well as her a d made to pay it all back. I'd tell her we're to go she sounds needy and gr okabby and definitely just wants a. Excuse not to work. Carers do work they just work relentlessly to look after the person in their care for nothing but a carer allowance that is a pittance

I’d report her too. Disgusting individual.

I’m also worried about the fact that you said your DD limits your social life!
That’s what having children does, they’re not handbags

You may not be claiming it now but your circumstances could change in the future . You may need to keep that option open

Carers Allowance isn't means tested - it's based on how many hours you work. Your Mum would be sorely disappointed to learn it's one tenth of what they pay asylum seekers. About £70 a week I think off the top of my head. Your Mum can't claim it if you already act as Carer I suspect so she can try and claim but would get turned down at best and arrested for fraud at worst.

It's income dependant which is a kind of means tested though. If you earn over 139 a week you can make the claim but you won't get any money. You will get carers credit though. Carers allowance counts as income for any benefits you may get.

I have to record it on my self assessment tax return.

The problem is we are getting to the point where there aren't enough tax payers paying for those who are claiming. No one ever checks up whether people are doing 35 hours of caring when they apply for carers allowance. I regularly get asked ( in my job role) by adult kids if they can claim carers allowance ( or carers element of UC ) against their parents disability benefit, and it is usually not so much about the money even but the getting out of work commitments, as with op's mum. It's usually a case where the husband or wife is the main carer for an elderly disabled person but they can't claim carers allowance because they get state pension. The adult child then asks if they can to get out of looking for work but when questioned they don't actually do much caring ! Maybe picking up a bit of shopping or the odd hospital appointment.
To sustain the current level of benefits that are being paid out, we need others to keep working if they can or we as a country are going to end up in a mess.

You know benefits are funded by us people on here paying taxes, and you are asking if we support your mother fraudulently claiming something we will have to pay for.

Well you and your SEN group may be relaxed about enabling scammers and grifters @jeromeleen but many others are not.

I really feel strongly about this. I care for my disabled DS as does my DH as well as us both working and so being taxpayers. So much of the system depends on trust. I won't bend the truth and claim CA, or enable relatives to do this because I would rather not be a liar and a scammer, or defraud taxpayers.

As far as I am concerned any benefits we receive are solely to benefit my DS and I don't expect to be made personally a penny richer. If I want to be richer I need to focus on my job.

It would be fraud simple as that

@Mrsgreen100 It was a comparison to my mum, who wants to spend time going out with friends, going to discounted theatre shows and just generally living life as if she's retired.

I do not begrudge the hit to my social life, it's my responsibility as both DDs mum and carer to look after her.

You might not get the carers allowance due to your income, but the flexibility you have mentioned is worth more in terms of time, but also financially, than you would get through the allowance anyway.

your DM is being very unreasonable. It is fraudulent to claim a benefit you should not be entitled to, and these benefits are there as safety nets for people that need them.

if your Mum is being asked to look for work she can surely still claim job seekers whilst looking? And in the time that she is not working she can surely find the time to send away 3 applications a week. It is a fact that even though you can’t discriminate based on someone’s ago, that people in their 60s will find it harder to get offered a job if up against younger applicants, but TBH, your DM’s attitude would stop me from employing her so as long as she keeps applying for work & keeps her miserable attitude she shouldn’t need to worry about actually having to work!

Your mum saw this thread and said it was unfair?

Tell her to stop being ridiculously selfish. There's people out there like your daughter with real disabilities mean while she's faking it so she doesn't have to work? Does she not know how lucky she is?

I'm glad you've said no. What a CF.

You'd be happy to give up your career and care for someone with no legal entitlement of holidays and breaks for £76 a week?

Having a disabled child limits your social life far more than parents without disabled children. Surely it's not hard to realise that.

You think it's "selfish" not to defraud tax payers?
You say your Mum is not a Carer. Therefore she is not entitled to Carers Allowance. Which you know. That's my hard earned tax you are considering stealing.
Jeez. You represent everything that is wrong with this country. I have never been so disgusted on MN.

Trust me - the impact disabled children have is not the same as normal limits. The fact that you’ve commented that says it all.

I feel sorry for your mother. Is she on her own?

Sounds like she is not well enough to work full time and is desperate not to be forced to.

Whether she is a CF or desperate I can’t tell from this.

I wouldn’t advise letting her do the benefit fraud thing on you.

However if she had a list of carer duties (that you provide) and if she carried out these duties then I can see a way for you both to benefit.

But it’s up to you really. We only get one side of the story here and I wonder is your mother in pain.

I know a lot of older people living with chronic pain.

The intermittent nature of pain, together with its invisibility can make a sufferer seem like they are malingering when in fact they are not well.

Tough titties to your mother.

It's not unfair in the slightest. She simply isn't entitled to the Carer's Allowance. End of story. Just let her sulk and feel sorry for herself. Nothing will change.

Good for you for standing your ground.

The sense of entitlement to do fuck all and mooch off the taxpayers is strong in your mother. I'm not surprised by her reaction to the thread in the slightest. I've met enough people like her to know that's how she was going to react.

I'm sorry you have to keep listening to her bullshit. Refuse to engage and keep being the brilliant mum that you are to your child.

Don't do it. She isn't a carer, so she isn't entitled to it. It could reflect on you; and very importantly, it could reflect on the benefit as a whole. If too many people do this, they will start making legitimate claimants jump through even more hoops to get it. You don't need to feel guilty: you don't owe her anything. If her health is truly this bad (and it sounds as though it isn't) then it's between her and her GP, not her and you.

I know that blue badges are now much more difficult to get hold of because families of blue badge holders sometimes abused them, or people exaggarated their conditions to try and get one, so it's now very hard and some people who need them are turned down and have to appeal.

'I’m also worried about the fact that you said your DD limits your social life!
That’s what having children does, they’re not handbags'.

I'm afraid this really made me laugh. Having disabled DC is in a different league from regular DC in terms of being life limiting....most people have social limitations for a few short years but ours are life long. No babysitters to go out and socialise, most people aren't equipped to babysit SN children.

So we can only go out with our DS in tow. But try doing anything with a disabled child in tow - going shopping, travelling, toileting, just walking down the street. Nobody who hasn't done it can possibly understand. And if the OP's mother is as infirm as she makes out there is no way she can do it either.

The biggest hit for me is the fact I cannot drink alcohol if theres any chance DD might need to go to A+E, so even when I do go out when she's with her dad for the weekend, I don't drink.

I have alcohol maybe 2 or 3 times a year, when I have a guarentee that I can get DD to hospital if needed, because even if her dad will take her due to his own work being inflexible he needs me to take over.

Absolutely no way!