Six year old completely burnt out from school.

[primaryproblems]

Dd6 is fine during the holidays and weekends but can't cope with the long school days, she comes home emotional and breaks down into tears saying it's all too much, she can't handle being in school all day and all week only having 2 days off and spends most evenings crying over anything and everything one thing after another.
She begs me not to send her to school because she's too tired and I feel completely helpless because I have to force her to go.
I completely understand how she feels but there's nothing I can do.
She asked if she can have one day off in the middle of the week to rest which sounds quite reasonable given how burn out she is but I'm not in a position to authorise that.
If an adult was completely overwhelmed and burn out like this they'd be signed off sick but talking to the school doesn't help, they just say she's fine once she's here, she'll get through it but they don't see her when she comes home and then there's homework and reading to get on with when she's passed out on the sofa too tired to even eat.
She's always in bed by 7 and sound asleep by 10 past that's if she hasn't fallen asleep before hand and been carried up and she is soo tired int the morning.
I feel so bad it seems like child cruelty to me but no matter how much she talks to me my hands are tied because the law says she should be in school because all the other children can cope.

I went to parent's evening expecting to hear about bad behaviour and defiance only for them to tell me what a well behaved bright girl she was and how well she was doing

If there were any concerns then you would have heard about them long before parents evening.

Is there a reason you haven't booked GP appointment? Even with the majority on here suggesting it you seem to have ignored all responses to it.

I feel for you and your DD, OP. Neither traditional school nor work are right for everyone and some in particular struggle with the rigidity. But you're right, what can you do? No school has the budget to treat children as individuals and teach them in the way that works for them. Some kids do find it very hard to transition to the next school year, as it always comes with added expectations that they will work harder, be assigned homework, have less playtime etc.

I would ask for a meeting with the teacher and SEND lead and reiterate what you have already said, advising that the extremem tiredness, coupled with the teacher's observation that she may very well hold everything in at school and then have a breakdown at home, means you are seeing a GP to see if there is an underlying medical condition. In the interim, you would appreciate their support in managing the situation so it doesn't spiral into a hatred of school and school avoidance issues every day. Figure out beforehand what this would look like for you and what sort of result you are hoping for. e.g. if she could go in half an hour later or leave an hour earlier for one week, would this be feasible? Then the following week increase the time so she does a full day one day per week etc? Is there someone able to care for her at home if the school did agree to this? If not, is there a quiet place in the school that she could go for 20minutes if she gets overwhelmed?

I really do sympathise, OP. My DS has been ill and is finding returning to school extremely exhausting. School want him in for specific periods because that's when a TA is available, but that doesn't actually work for his fatigue. Try and work with the school as best you can, and accept in advance that they may not have a perfect solution, but they should at least listen to your concerns and have some suggestions.

See gp to start

If makes you feel any better my summer born kids couldn't make it past 1pm in reception and yr 1 without falling asleep. Teacher made one of mine a nap corner (could sleep anywhere). The other went off with school secretary and had a doze on her sofa usually. The school were awesome tbh. I had offered to collect earlier but they said they weren't any trouble.

Dr ruled out medical issues. Later a diagnosis of adhd for one and asd the other but I don't think that was the route of the sleep issue. I think they were just young and needed sleep.

I agree this level of exhaustion is not normal. This time of year is awful, my daughter is 8 and sooo tired. But she goes to bed hours later than your DD.

It does sound like she’s masking at school.

Definitely gp for some physical checks.

Hmmm, as an autistic person I think she definitely sounds neurodivergent. Teachers are notoriously rubbish at recognising it and it presents very differently in girls. I would look into that more.

She sounds like she's burning out and that school is not a good place for her.

The law doesn't say she has to go to school. It says she has to have a suitable education. You can educate a child in other ways than at school, either yourself, using tutors or using online school.

I would join the Facebook group Not fine in school, and also look at good resources on autistic girls. Depending on where you live it can take five years to get a diagnosis so I would get on with it now.

Autistic girls present very differently, this is a fantastic list of traits in girls

www.myspectrumsuite.com/samantha-crafts-autistic-traits-checklist/

Girls are very often missed in school because we are masters at masking.

This does sound medical. Or autism or other SEN?

Have to admit I let my daughter have duvet days from time to time if she seems burnt out, sometimes a lot weekend or a day off mid week does the trick.

The issue for school is they can't see it. I had a boy who was referred by his parents and I was supportive (filled in forms and supported the ed psyc to visit and tried to look more for signs) but I couldn't refer as I had nothing to go on. You see it so you need to go to the GP and have tests and then get referred that way. Keep speaking to school but a day off is unlikely to be agreed so what other things can be put in place as suggested by posters above.

My dd has been diagnosed with adhd and autism as an adult. I'd get your dd checked fo physical causes, look into ND diagnoses and if it's possible for you, home educate her if school is overwhelming. There is a home ed board on MN if it's something you are able to consider. Even pre diagnosis, my DD thrived once we took her out of school.

I would take her to a GP and also give her an earlier bedtime.

I wouldn't keep her off school, but maybe stop doing homework during the week (can you do it at the weekend instead?)

Is it physical or mental exhaustion? Maybe she needs to see a GP, maybe as a compromise ask the school if she can skip homework? Send her to end earlier too.

It's quite frustrating that only we see this and the school see a completely different child, I've had many chats with the teacher who seems to think we're talking about two different children.

I actually think you are being badly let down by the school. If you're reporting this level of upset and tiredness but at school everything is fine, you'd think the school would be aware that this is likely a sign of something else going on and would have the experience to flag it to you.

I agree with others that this sounds medical and/or possibly SEN related and you should perhaps speak with a GP. I would also ask the school about what options they can offer to support her - eg, if she's finding it overwhelming, even though she's not showing it, can they facilitate time for her in the middle of the day in a quiet space? DS was regularly removed from the classroom, sometimes in a small group, for quiet work elsewhere or time with a TA. They also had a sort of small mini-PE group that children who needed it were added to for a short session a few times a week as a way to get out of the classroom, get a movement break etc.

Regarding sleep, she's a bit older than DD was so it's not quite the same, but in reception, DD went to bed by 6:30 at the absolute latest every night, and slept straight through until 7:30 the next day. She found school absolutely exhausting and just needed more sleep. Perhaps for a while you need to accept that your DD needs the same - bed at 6:30 or even 6:00 for a while?

Op you have described my 6 year old exactly.

We are exploring sen with some good results. Mine too suggested a day off in the middle to recover. It's hard masking for 5 days straight. What our school does is allow him to have regular breaks that might be outside to do some big movements( we suspect low proprioception) or just in a calm quiet environment to regulate.

Girls and women typically mask so well you'd never know. Definitely get the medical side checked out for peace of mind and then check into sen being mindful that not everybody fits the set criteria but school should absolutely be accommodating either way.

yes please do this. The good as gold in school and falling apart at home sounds like classic masking to me. (ASD teen boy).

If there is nothing medically causing her exhaustion then you are quite right IMO to not push any after school activities and to have loads of downtime. My 14 year old still needs this.

Sounds like a possible ASD diagnosis, but you need to see the GP to rule that in/out and anything medical as well.

She sounds a lovely bright child able to tell you what’s wrong and you sound great.

Some children work better home schooling if that’s a possibility long term.

If the GP doesn't come back with anything (and in the interim at least), you could cut the homework out? I get that parents can be fined for not sending children in to school (which is appallingly imo), but presumably they can't for not having done reading of an evening.

I can do it at weekends but to be honest during the week she just refuses to carry on when she's had enough.
She glazes over and won't even look at the book so I just put it away.
She gets very irritable and as she's naturally strong willed I have to pick my battles and when she's tired there's no point forcing her to do it half heartedly.

This isn't normal, completely baffled you've ignored every comment suggesting she see a GP

Sounds like me. I have (finally) been diagnosed ASD. Masking IS exhausting.

Or are you maybe able to take her in an hour later, if you don't have any other commitments like work? And just say "oops I overslept" or similar.

Yes my dc had Wednesday afternoons off study to do sport and extra curricular activities in EU. It was great to decompress!

And there were approximately a third of the add-on activities involving costumes and trips out and fund raising that take place in a UK primary. A very packed and busy schedule doesn’t suit every child.

Also the walls and noticeboards etc were a lot quieter, or more boring depending on how you look at it, as compared with a UK classroom and there wasn’t as much group work. All of those things contribute to the busyness and overwhelm for a very young child especially if they have ND traits.

Having said that, your attitude will also influence how your dd perceives school op. I only say that because your dd asking for one day off in the middle of the week to rest sounds like a concept she has heard about from an adult but I am prepared to be corrected on that!

Also, different families can have very different energy levels and different tolerances of noise and chaos within the home. A child who is used to a very structured quiet environment with lots of time on their own might struggle more in a very loud, busy classroom.

One last thought; are you sure she isn’t being bullied or harassed by another child either in her class or by an older child in the playground?

I hope you find a solution that works for your dd op; she sounds miserable poor thing. Once you have done the medical checks, I would go to the head teacher if you are not getting anywhere with her class teacher.

Ditch the homework. She’s 6. Just read to her, and get her to read to you if she’s not too tired/ when she’s up to it perhaps at the weekend.

I cannot believe you’ve not seen a doctor before now, this sounds really worrying.

When she says 'she can't cope and it's all too much', have you tried asking her specifically what is too much? I think it might be helpful to find out from her what she is struggling with. It might be difficult for her to articulate but can be insightful. Perhaps ask about her day, step by step, what she did, what lessons, who she played with at play time and try to pinpoint (ask her directly), when she started to feel whatever the feeling was. Its a bit like someone saying that they hate their job. That could mean anything - do they hate the work, their colleagues, their boss, and even is 'hate' the right word? Perhaps they are bored, frustrated etc. Saying 'I can't cope' is her way of saying that she is struggling, but you need to find out exactly what the issue is. How do the ear defenders help? Are they blocking noise and distraction, or do they stop people from interacting with her, do other children leave her alone when she has them on?

Make an appointment with the GP. If it’s been going on months then she needs to be seen asap to rule out a medical issue.
Some children just struggle to adjust to a more structured learning schedule and increased work load.
Knock the homework in the head for now, it’s really not necessary at 6 years old anyway- we did this, as ours was just too exhausted at the end of the day.