What support would you expect from husband in this situation?

[blastendedskrewts]

I work weekdays 7am-6pm, his work is flexible 3 days a week so he usually sleeps until midday and works the afternoon into evening, takes a break when I get home for the evening, then works a bit more after I go to bed, so about 7 hours x 3 a week.

My mum is on end of life care and lives a couple of hours away from us. She's got maybe a couple of weeks according to the doctor last week. I've been going to visit every weekend since November, to help dad and see mum, and then once or twice midweek after work, which is a bit of journey but I just want to be with my mum while I can. When I'm not physically there, I'm facetiming her and dad, trying to sort out carers/cleaners for dad who needs help too, keeping my siblings and aunts/uncles updated as best as I can.

I've asked him to pick up more cleaning. He hasn't. I asked him to do the shopping order and meal plan. He just ordered ready meals. He's not worked yet this week and I've just got home and he's still in bed. No kids yet.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually do something to look after me through this awful period?

Get rid of him. He's absolutely NO support to you.

He sounds very lazy on a good day! Now, he should be doing everything he possibly can to take the load off.

Feel this!

Do you want children? Because it could go 2 ways. Either he will start to be amazing or he will carry on being lazy and you will be saddled with a baby and all the work that goes with it on top of everything else.

I'm really sorry about your Mum. My mum's in heart failure and the doc wrote her off one dark night and said she wouldn't survive through the night. 4 years still here.

Xxxx

50-50:

Ready meals - fine

Cleaning - he needs to step up

I would expect him to be picking up 95% of the housework in this situation, plus emotional support, plus coming along to at least share the driving when you visit your mum.

He is showing you who he is when the chips are down, you deserve better.

He barely works and also doesn’t support you emotionally or pull his weight around the home even when your parents are well from the sounds of it. Great news there are no kids. Makes it so much easier to toss him back and give you your own space back.

Oh ffs get some standards

I would expect him to be picking up 95% of the housework in this situation, plus emotional support, plus coming along to at least share the driving when you visit your mum.

This. In spades. And I bet my house that if he needed support you would be doing all of that for him.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. What a rubbish situation for you, your dad and her.

Your DH is a selfish unkind twat. What are his good points?

Do you want children? Because it could go 2 ways.

Only one way, I think. If you don't feel any urge to support your life partner in very difficult circumstances, you're not going to reform for an irrational and ungrateful baby or toddler.

I'm so, so sorry about your mum. Do not ever have children with this man. Do not make the mistake made by countless women which is to think their husband will magically change when a baby comes along. He *will not." What you see is what you get.

I have been married to a wonderful man for 26+ years and I could not possibly wish for a better life partner. He has always been my biggest supporter and he would do anything for me. This is what you should demand for yourself. Don't settle.

I'm a little worried by that small word "yet" in your OP. Having children with this man would be a bad idea.

Op I would expect him to do more when my dad was on end off life care he wanted to go into a home as he didn't want to burden me but after work I would call my dp as we had a nearly 2 year old to let him know i was visiting dad and walk the 2 miles there and nearly 3 miles home when I got home food was ready little one bathed and bed but he didn't do the cleaning as our son was challenging even at 2 so no your not unreasonable at all I'm so sorry about your mum I know how hard it is

He should be supporting you. Ready meals - fine
Keeping on top of cleaning - yes (that might not be as much as you would like done).

More importantly does he realise how stressed and tired you are and is he giving you emotional support?

Thoughts with you at this difficult time

given that you work more than double the hurs he does, I'd expect at least a 60/40 or 70/30 split of cooking and house work on a day to day basis, and far more from him at the moment.
The most supportive thing he could do is piss off.

Do you get sick pay through work? If so time to get signed off with stress or take compassionate leave or whatever and make the most of your time with your mum. Go and stay with them and tell him he's showing his true colours and this break will give you time to think about what you want. Whenever you get back see if he's changed at all or made any effort - if not then get rid. Don't have kids with this lazy man.

Get signed off work. Stay with your mum and dad. You will never get this time back. Let OH fend for himself... and long term think about binning him.

I think this is an excellent idea. You have so much on your plate op, spend the time with your mum you can.

So you work 55 hours a week and he works 21 hours is that right?

Hes a lazy twat, and right now he should be showing you the best of him. As my Dad was dying my DH showed me yet another layer of how amazing and supportive he was. Although it was tough on him he stepped up and took care of everything. Like it should be. Like I'd do for him.

You have asked explicitly and he hasn’t done it. That’s damning. I would normally have said, state your needs before coming to any conclusions.

If he has no mercy in his heart for you during a time like this, when would he ever?

'No kids YET'

Genuinely op. Are you serious?

Why would you have children with a man who treats you appallingly?

I'm sorry about your mum.

He's not very good with emotional support anyway- ASD and generally not very good at recognising emotions. But he is very logical and can be practical.

I think the thing that's upsetting me more is that I've directly asked for help and he's ignored my requests, and then I'm sitting here by myself on the first evening we could have spent together since Friday because he's chosen to stay in bed.

I have considered getting signed off from work, but it's so hard to tell if the prognosis is accurate. What if I take time off now, and she keeps going for a month?

Please don't have kids with him.

I hope you can get time off work and spend this time with your mum and dad.

Ditch the bf. If you have kids with him you will work full time, do all housework and raise the kids.

I am autistic myself and when my DH's mum was dying I took on 100% of the housework and sent him to stay with her alone without the kids (they/I also visited but for shorter amounts of time). We also had no idea about end of life timeline. It turned out to be months but none of us regret how we spent it - DH helped care for her to the end along with other family members.

I'm not great myself with emotional support but it was practical support DH needed and then he was able to spend time with his siblings too.

If you have asked your H explicitly to do certain things, and he is not building that into his routine, that doesn't bode well. If you're in your twenties he'll have some time to mature and may be able to step things up and snap out of autistic inertia.

But he needs to put the effort in, which means changing his current routine. Even by getting up an extra hour early he could likely fit the extra needed housework in. If he cannot/will not do that, then he has shown you the shape of life to come.