What support would you expect from husband in this situation?

[blastendedskrewts]

I work weekdays 7am-6pm, his work is flexible 3 days a week so he usually sleeps until midday and works the afternoon into evening, takes a break when I get home for the evening, then works a bit more after I go to bed, so about 7 hours x 3 a week.

My mum is on end of life care and lives a couple of hours away from us. She's got maybe a couple of weeks according to the doctor last week. I've been going to visit every weekend since November, to help dad and see mum, and then once or twice midweek after work, which is a bit of journey but I just want to be with my mum while I can. When I'm not physically there, I'm facetiming her and dad, trying to sort out carers/cleaners for dad who needs help too, keeping my siblings and aunts/uncles updated as best as I can.

I've asked him to pick up more cleaning. He hasn't. I asked him to do the shopping order and meal plan. He just ordered ready meals. He's not worked yet this week and I've just got home and he's still in bed. No kids yet.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually do something to look after me through this awful period?

Imagine what he'd be like if you had children?
I think get out while you can. You deserve more support.
I am sorry about your mum.

Please don't ever have children with this man.

People are recommending she take time off to spend time with her Mom, who is at the end stage of life. FFS! Working those hours makes it impossible to spend the time needed with her Mom.
Her NVDH is a whole different story.
She needs to spend that time with her Mom before the time has passed, and she has regrets. No one ever regrets spending time with a loved one as they go through their final days on earth.

Read back what you've posted and write only from your words here a list of pros and cons.

He's a lazy cocklodger.

Ensure you're able to support your mum but keep an eye on your own welfare.

Nope nope.

I was married to one of them, stupidly just mirrored my parents set up, which is fine until you throw in the woman being the breadwinner.

I burnt out, had a breakdown, juggling family, kids, cleaning, shopping, planning, cooking.

The man who was supposed to love me didn't see it, didn't support me.

It's bullshit, he can see what he's doing, he knows he's pushing to see what you will do, like a child testing boundries.

Please, ask him to move out, if he can't support you whe you are going through this please don't have children with him, don't tolerate.

Next he will say "stop nagging"

It’s compassionate leave because she’s losing a parent. I’d be suggesting the same even if her husband was a saint. I’m going to guess you’ve not experienced a significant bereavement, otherwise you’d not be suggesting putting colleagues potential judgement over making the most of this (sadly) limited time. My colleagues at the time were nothing but supportive, because they’re decent human beings.

Sorry OP, this isn't a niggle. It is a parade of people walking down your street waving red flags. You say that if you do not clean, he will not do it. That won't change when you have kids. He has a chance now to step up to help and he has done nothing.

You say he is logical and practical but he isn't. Logic dictates he step up and help you while you are going through a very distressing time. He hasn't.

Sorry about your Mum 💐

He is not a partner - he is a lazy child who doesn't care about you. If he did, he wouldn't behave like this. He won't change and you would be crazy to have children with him.

Alongside all the things one gets from a relationship, I think a couple should be friends. Proper friends.

If you were in a house share with a friend, they would help you here, because we like and want to support our friends. They would be doing half the chores anyway. Else you'd tell them it isn't working sharing together.

You can't live with this man forever. You would absolutely hate him by the end. Ditto kids. So you have two choices. 1. Ditch him completely. Or, as I'm assuming he has some really brilliant characteristics otherwise he'd be long gone 2. Live separately but continue to see each other. If you have children, they live with you and you realise befire having them, you're going it alone.

So sorry about your mum.

This man is a lazy twat. Don't have kids with. He won't change.

You've totally misunderstood. The time off work would be for her to be with her mum, which rather obviously the husband can't do, not to do the cleaning.

Forget about him for now. Take leave (sick or unpaid, just go) today and be with your mum. Stay as long as you can.

in a few weeks time address the situation with your husband.

To an extent it’s ok for him to have different priorities from you in terms of household standards and meal planning. And his work schedule has not changed since you married him. But his inability to meet your needs in any way, despite you expressly telling him what you required, is unforgivable in my view. This is not a man with whom to have children. But put that thought aside for now and concentrate on your mum.

A word is enough for the wise. Do not have children with this man

This is not a good situation, he can't even be there for you during one of the worst times of your life. He won't be there for help and support if you have children, trust me.

Yanbu, get out now before you are writing on mumsnet in a few years about how your husband doesn't do anything to help you with the kids and thinks all cleaning and childcare is your responsibility on top of working as he 'has a stressful job'.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

I wish her peace, and sending strength to you and your dad.

Your husband should be supporting you in this tough time. I echo what the others have said - if you have children with him, your life will be miserable. Do not underestimate how much work comes with having kids.

My DH would be coming with me when I went to help my mum and would change his working hours to do that. He would be doing the shopping, online if necessary, picking up prescriptions, changing beds, washing up, cooking when at home (because I would prefer to do it when at mum's), laundry. He would, and did, do all that.
He has also looked after me - at times doing absolutely everything - while I have been undergoing cancer treatment which left me very ill.
He is retired and I am not, so when I am working he does the housework and cooking, getting my lunch ready on the table for me when I have a lunch break (I work from home).
I know that my DH is exceptional, but you should certainly be receiving more support than you are.

If this is the hardest and worst times of your life, and this is how he is then what do you think he will do if it gets harder?

Lazy pig, get rid. I have a bad back at the moment and my man is bringing me every meal, thinking of ways to cheer me up and doing most of the housework. That's normal.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I think you should get signed off and go and stay with your mum and dad. It doesn't matter how long you have to stay.
With regards to your lazy arsed husband - wtf?! He either needs to be shaping up or he'd be shipped out!
Take care of yourself

When my mother was on end of life care, and I was with her every day, DH did the shopping, cooking and organised the washing. When she died, he made arrangements for her body to be collected and registered the death. He also helped with the house clearance. That’s why I have stayed married to him for over 50 years. That’s the sort of man you have a family with.

@blastendedskrewts I was you several years ago, the only difference is that my ex’s autism hadn’t been picked up on. He worked from home and I was out, come home to the exact same situation. He’d slept all day, when I came home he’d get up to do his work.

It didn’t really matter when we didn’t have kids, he would do things if he was told (how naive was I thinking that was acceptable), and to be honest he did step up after having our first. What changed was him getting a better paid job outside of the home, upping his hours and suddenly the age old problems started setting in. With autism, something has to give and as soon as he was out of ‘work mode’, he stopped functioning. By this point we had two children who both presented with autistic traits and needed full time care.

Suffice to say, the relationship hasn’t survived and whilst I’d not change having our kids, if someone had shown me the future 10 odd years ago I’d have run and not look back. Keep in mind that it’s a possibility that any child you do have with him may be autistic and need full time care, is that a life you can envisage for yourself? Might have to give up work, your whole life will become care and admin and he will still carry on the same way. I’d not have children with him, he’s not going to step up.

OP, you don't need to have children because you've already got one. Anyone who thinks he's going to morph into an amazing dad needs their head seeing to. If he can't get out of bed to do everyday routine stuff then screaming, snotty nosed toddlers are going to make things a gazillion times worse. If he is ASD then there's a very strong chance any children you have will be too. Don't have kids and bin his arse out.

As @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood said
"Forget about him for now. Take leave (sick or unpaid, just go) today and be with your mum. Stay as long as you can. in a few weeks time address the situation with your husband."

Now's not the time to focus on anything except the immediate tasks ahead of you and helping your dear parents. Your emotions are probably full to the brim and you don't want any extra.
Many have said take some time off to be with them... and I take your point about being told her time is finite but not knowing what that really means... it makes it very hard for you as it leaves you constantly on alert.

But I think it might take some of the pressure off for eg an undiluted week with her whilst things are relatively stable. Even to just relax a tiny bit without feeling torn in all directions. Plan some treats for you and your parents... a nice tea... watching a nice film together or what ever is suitable in their case. I'm sure your boss would understand. Maybe it would also give you time to get some advice/support from organisations associated with her condition? And for you to have some unhurried conversations with your dad.

All the rest can wait. Everything one step at a time.

The most I would consider with the DH is maybe texting politely to say, "While I am away, I would be really grateful if you could clean the bathroom/empty the bins/clean the kitchen/ do some food shopping" - or whatever. Then at least you've told him clearly what is expected. Ask for what you want. You may even get it. If not, he can't say he wasn't aware what was required.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I’ve had an okay day at work and my boss is taking some tasks on for me, which really helps with the mental load.

Mum is in good spirits currently and more comfortable than she’s been for a while thanks to massive amounts of drugs.

Tonight, I’ve just stepped away emotionally from my husband. He didn’t ask how mum is or how I am so I called my sister instead and talked to her. I cooked my favourite dinner (enough for both, though) and just watched tv. Trying not to waste time and energy getting upset or angry with him.

I’ve made up my mind that we have no future. I can’t even add an ‘except if…’ there because I don’t think he’ll change. But I can just park that thought for now and come back to it after mum goes.

Glad to hear that your mum is more comfortable OP and that your boss is helping with the mental load.
It sounds like a good course to follow to just focus on mum and not worry about other things. Its nice that you can talk to your sister. Wishing you all the best