What support would you expect from husband in this situation?

[blastendedskrewts]

I work weekdays 7am-6pm, his work is flexible 3 days a week so he usually sleeps until midday and works the afternoon into evening, takes a break when I get home for the evening, then works a bit more after I go to bed, so about 7 hours x 3 a week.

My mum is on end of life care and lives a couple of hours away from us. She's got maybe a couple of weeks according to the doctor last week. I've been going to visit every weekend since November, to help dad and see mum, and then once or twice midweek after work, which is a bit of journey but I just want to be with my mum while I can. When I'm not physically there, I'm facetiming her and dad, trying to sort out carers/cleaners for dad who needs help too, keeping my siblings and aunts/uncles updated as best as I can.

I've asked him to pick up more cleaning. He hasn't. I asked him to do the shopping order and meal plan. He just ordered ready meals. He's not worked yet this week and I've just got home and he's still in bed. No kids yet.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually do something to look after me through this awful period?

I'm a sahp but when I had dc3 dh took over all food shops completely, meal planning, lunch planning, made dinner ever night (I'll caveat here that it was all batch cooked by me in advance but he planned each night, defrosted, cooked and tidied up) and any time we've been through anything tough he has carried me through. I can honestly say he has put me first at every step and sometimes to the detriment of his own mental health. When I had to self isolate with Covid he spent the first day batch cooking following cook books incase he got sick next and wouldn't be able to feed the kids- and didn't want to just rely on waffles beans and fish fingers. He is a partner and a friend. I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your mom. But I guess look at how your dad is treating your mum and if that's what you want for yourself.

Sorry, I should add that he gets paid quite well for what he does whereas I'm public sector so long hours but he makes around 2/3 of what I make.

The question around children 'yet' is because I've been holding off due to little niggles like that.

I don’t understand. Why are you working more than double his hours?

Why doesn’t he work FT, then his financial contribution would be similar to yours. With no DC to care for, and no inclination to do housework, he sounds like a total fucking waste of space at the best of times.

Now you are in the worst of times and you are seeing exactly who he is.

What is the point of him?

Why does the idle git stay in bed until lunchtime?? And then only 21 hours?? Bloody hell, OP, you're working too many hours whilst that loafer does fuck-all. I'm so sorry about your mum. You haven't got children, but if you do decide to have any with this bloke, this is the life you'll have. Get rid, he's no good.

I really feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in.

25 years ago I had 2 very little ones, my dad was dying, and he too was 2 plus hours away from where we were living. My husband wasn't hands on with the kids, worked away, couldn't cook and was a lazy sod (we're now divorced), but that month of me driving up and down the country, well he was bloody brilliant.

I'll always remember that time of my life as stressful and heartbreaking in equal measure, but I'll also remember feeling supported and cared about when it really mattered.

Now isn't the time for making any decisions, but in answer to your question, yes he absolutely should be doing everything he can to make your life easier. This is a time of your life that you won't ever forget, and you won't ever forget who made a hard time even harder either.

I would expect my husband to pick up all the cleaning, food shopping and food prep in this situation, especially when the husband is already doing as little as yours is.

He is demonstrating loud and clear what you can expect of him in any stressful life event- and this would most definitely include having children.

The question around children 'yet' is because I've been holding off due to little niggles like that.

Don't ignore or minimise it. It's more than a 'little niggle' now and it will become a huge issue if you have a child with him.

So sorry about your mum, I hope you have others around you to offer support since your DH isn’t.

His entire way of living would be a NIGHTMARE to co parent with, you can’t just sleep all the time and shirk any responsibility for the home you live in. If he can’t even do a food shop and give you a basic level of care and attention in this situation then I dread to think what he’d be like through pregnancy, labour and actually raising a child.

I'm married to one of these and stuck with him for now due to children and finances, you need to leave him and make sure you don't have children with him. He will never ever take care of you when you need it if he can't when your mum is at the end of her life, so if you need looking after one day you know what to expect!

It goes the second way from personal experience and then it's us that are stuck! I hope she gets rid!

@blastendedskrewts why do you have to update your siblings?? are they not meant to be helping you too?

@2jacqi One of them has a disabled son and is a single parent, so she can't easily help with anything. The other lives in Australia.

Your comments are all helping, everyone. I've been tired and upset and it's making me question whether I'm being irrational.

Are you a doctor @blastendedskrewts ?

This man is a waste of time and space. Please don’t start a family with him. He won’t support you.

Then you stay off for a month. You don’t get this time back, and you won’t regret any time you spend with your mum. Get signed off and go, leave the manchild to sort himself out as he is doing anyway.

sorry about your mum; it’s a horrendous time of your life. Be your own best friend and look after yourself x

Why does he only work part time? He sounds like a right lazy arse.

OP get signed off on compassionate leave and spend time with your mum.

tell your OH to do one and whatever you do, don’t have a baby with this person!

Please consider if you really want the rest of your life to be like this, because he won't change and he will never be there for you. I'm so sorry, because he's being shit and you deserve better, especially at a time like this.

@Snowdogsmitten you're not far off! Dammit, is it that obvious?!

In a way it's a good job you're seeing this now before babies. He's not your long term partner.

Sorry about your mam

You know this so please do not ever have children with him. He will break you and do god knows what damage to the MH of any children you may have.
I am so sorry you are going through this alone, please get signed off and go to your parents.

@blastendedskrewts
You're not being unreasonable at all - he's being a selfish twat. Beware how this bodes if/when you have kids with him.

@blastendedskrewts you haven’t explained why this useless article is working so few hours.

He sounds like a total user.

@blastendedskrewts I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

If a partner can't support you at a time like this then I really can't see what benefit he is. Anyone who loves their partner would be compelled to help in anyway they can.

Does he stay up gaming?

Unfortunately I can't see him improving - he must be totally self centered. You deserve much more.

You posted this thread at 7.50pm, and said he was still in bed - WHY ?!!! Is he sick / ill ? What has he done all day ?!!!

or are you in a different country and it wasn't 7.50pm there ?

I’m so sorry about your Mum. Honestly, in this situation, I’d expect you to work and do Mum-related tasks and visits. And him to do absolutely everything else. And I know my DH and many other men would, without a thought or needing to be asked. The bar sits where you place it and this one needs risen ❤️

Bless you, that sounds like a really tough situation. Your h, unfortunately, sounds like a lazy, insensitive shit, and I'd be seriously considering my relationship with him from now.

He should be picking up all the cleaning, cooking and menu planning. Mind you, he should be doing all that anyway since he has so much more free time than you.

Whatever you do, don't have dc with him. You'll end up doing everything. And you deserve better.

Take care of yourself 💐