What support would you expect from husband in this situation?

[blastendedskrewts]

I work weekdays 7am-6pm, his work is flexible 3 days a week so he usually sleeps until midday and works the afternoon into evening, takes a break when I get home for the evening, then works a bit more after I go to bed, so about 7 hours x 3 a week.

My mum is on end of life care and lives a couple of hours away from us. She's got maybe a couple of weeks according to the doctor last week. I've been going to visit every weekend since November, to help dad and see mum, and then once or twice midweek after work, which is a bit of journey but I just want to be with my mum while I can. When I'm not physically there, I'm facetiming her and dad, trying to sort out carers/cleaners for dad who needs help too, keeping my siblings and aunts/uncles updated as best as I can.

I've asked him to pick up more cleaning. He hasn't. I asked him to do the shopping order and meal plan. He just ordered ready meals. He's not worked yet this week and I've just got home and he's still in bed. No kids yet.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually do something to look after me through this awful period?

Thank you, @DuckbilledSplatterPuff that's very kind of you. I feel a bit stupid after reading some of the comments, to be honest.

I'm so sorry you are going through this wretched time alone.

Your husband has NO excuse. He is actively choosing to be an arse. He is showing you exactly who he is & he's showing you how he will treat you in the future.

I'd be rethinking my future with this man, unless you want the rest of your life to be miserable.

Don’t feel stupid! You’re hardly the first to be lured into this kind of situation and you won’t be the last. And I don’t think anyone wants to be harsh to you. I think a lot of us are really incensed on your behalf.

Feel angry. Feel indignant. Know that you deserve better and can do better than him. And, when the time is right, use those emotions to free yourself from the burden of
him and to start a new, better chapter for yourself.

In the meantime focus on your mum and dad and just let him fade into background noise. He has shown that he’s not interested in helping or supporting you so he’s mostly useless. He’s not important right now, he’s just an obstacle. One that can be dealt with once you have fewer pressing matters to attend to.

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. It’s shit, but it will get better. 💐

Never ever have children with this selfish, self absorbed waste of space

Go and be with your Mum

Once things are calmer get rid of your partner and create a lovely life for yourself

Sending you love ❤️

Please do this. If you have the kind of job where you can take the time off to be with her now, do that. Despite her being ill for a while, the end was very sudden with my mum and I wish I could have had that time to say goodbye properly.
Right now that is the only thing that matters, so do whatever makes sense to facilitate that time for you and for your mum. Move in with them for a bit if that's an option and would help you all? Don't give your useless husband any headspace. If he is incapable of stepping up, do you have friends around who can help out? Or could you throw money at the problem with a cleaner etc so you don't need to think about it?
Somewhere down the line I'd be getting rid of him. If you can't be there for the person you love when they are going through the worst thing possible, what is the point of you being in their life? For today and the immediate future though he isn't worth the headspace. Leave him being useless and you focus all your energies on you and your family.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Colour me shocked that he doesn’t like to cook, so he doesn’t. I dislike hoovering, and many other tasks around the home but I do it because that’s how adulting works. I personally think it’s a mistake to have children with anyone who’s not prepared to put together a few basic home cooked meals. If they just get takeaways they aren’t pulling their weight, they are continuously taking the easy way out so 100% of making sure children (& you) get healthy meals is on you.
id leave him and find someone who’s managed to become a capable adult.

I left exDH because of how poorly he supported me when my mum had cancer. I didn't have the strength to leave him quite then, I decided to deal with one issue at a time.

I left him a year after the whole ordeal with my mum because, even after 12 months, I just could not forgive him. He had been a bit selfish before and a bit of a man child but I had always believed he would be there for me. He wasn't. It was the worst time of my life and he couldn't step up, at all. All the chores and cooking and shite was left to me. He wasn't even doing his fair share, let alone give me some extra help!!!

Focus on your mum. Get through this. Afterwards, reflect on this time and do what you need to do. I wouldn't waste energy arguing with him now, just ignore him and do your own thing. You've already asked, he hasn't done it.

Say you did have a DC with him. You would be doing all the cooking and all the cleaning. More of it actually, with a third person in the house.
Then there's the childcare. Who would do that? Who would earn the money? You, that's who.

You deserve much better than this. As you are discovering, life is short. Don't waste it on this man.

I hope your mother's remaining time is comfortable and pain free. Go and be with her, you won't regret it.

Get through the sad situation with your mum & then bin, bin, bin.

You can do so much better.

Don't have children with this man, you'd be better off with doner sperm and ivf because at least then you wouldn't have to deal with the selfish behaviour he's displaying. He's not being anywhere near what a supportive partner should be, think long and hard about your future, imagine you are your parents age and still with him, can't imagine it'll look enticing. When my mother was dying I moved back home to help my father care for her, my husband was in constant contact (3 hours away), visited often and I knew he'd do whatever I asked of him, my ex bf (from almost 20 years ago) lives near my parents and he dropped meals to the hospital late at night, checked if I needed anything, enquired daily how things were going, insisted on me staying at his home (he was away) when there was noisy renovations being carried out on my parents house to get it ready for my mother and I'd only get a few hours break from the hospital to rest during the day, he drove 1.5 hrs to meet my husband to get my medication and bring it to me (they are good friends thankfully), that's a hell of a lot more than your husband is doing for you, raise your standards you deserve so much more. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's such a difficult time and it really shows who is there for you, you are being given a gift of knowledge and information, use it.

Put it this way, you are supporting him by working in a well paid job. You recognised he wasn’t coping with a full time job so agreed for him to go part time and are lovingly subsiding him. A team so to speak. When the roles are reversed, he gives you zero recognition or attention instead treating you like a domestic appliance and an atm.

Do not whatever you do have children with this man. He will not step up. He will not look after you if you have complications pre or post birth or need a c section. As a doctor, I’m sure you can easily read up on any number of pregnancy medical issues including pre-eclampsia, birth complications and injuries.

Then there is the child to look after post birth. You’ll be a quasi single mum with extra duties, ie looking after your man child husband. Parenting is hard, much harder than I could possibly have imagined and finding the right man to have children with is important.

@blastendedskrewts

Let me tell you how it worked for DH and I. When his mother was ill and needed him we both realized that chances were this time would come for me too. So we agreed that when one of us had an ill or dying parent that the other would pick up the slack at home, freeing the other to do whatever they felt was needed with their parent.

We both worked full time AND had 2 children in school. I took over completely at home so he was free to be with his mum for as long as need be, to come and go as he needed to. And when my dad was dying, he did the same for me. He did the school runs, housework, homework, parenting, yard work. Just as I had done for him. Did he do everything in the house 'up to my standards'? No. But I didn't mow the lawn as nicely as he did, and the yard may have gotten a little 'scruffy round the edges'. Neither of us cared. The important part was that the other spouse was free to devote their time to their parent.

Your husband is a waste. You need to seriously reconsider the relationship. And FGS do not get pregnant.

I'm sorry about your mum.

As for the cocklodger, he sleeps and games. What is the point of him? One thing to keep in mind--men don't change, and what you marry is what you get. Bin this one, and do NOT have a child with him. He is selfish and unsupportive, and he will be that way with your children, too. You can do so much better.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

Spend what time you can with your mum.

Bin off the manchild - he’s not adding anything to your life and you deserve a lot better.

I agree with being with your mum is the most important thing at the moment.

Later you can be grateful that you didn't have dc with this man and you can let him go. He is not a life partner.

He's not good at recognising emotions, you say.
Spell out your emotions every time; how you feel and the effects the emotion has on how you can cope.
Also spell out the help you require and have him acknowledge that it is reasonable for him to help more.
.
Your partner needs more explanation; he might always be poor at recognising emotion, at empathy and at helping.
He will come across as selfish.

If, after your instruction, he still can not be relied on to help, I would split up. There is not a workable solution to help him care enough to be someone's partner.

Thinking about your sadness with your Mum.

I’ve been where you are, and it’s so hard. Sending hugs.

I would echo other posters when they say to move in with your Mum and Dad, get the time off work, and just be with her. Any decent boss would understand. The week I got to spend with my Mum at the end was just so precious to me.

In terms of what I would expect from my husband? Our eldest was two when my Mum died. I got the phone call, and we then thankfully still had a week with her; but my husband stepped up and managed everything, including bringing our son to visit me. He wouldn’t have put anything on me during that time.

Hopefully we don’t have to deal with it for a long time yet, but the same would be true in reverse. I’d take the full strain so he could be present for them and do what he needed to do.

He took over everything at home so I could spend all my time with my dying parent. No, he didn't do everything that I might have done or to my standards but he did the necessary so I didn't have to think about it.

I am so sorry about your mum. It must be heartbreaking for you.

You sound really lovely and caring and yet you are living with a man who cares about nothing but himself. He's utterly selfish. It must be like living with a student who has just left home and expects everyone to do everything for him.

Get through this period with your mum and help support your dad and then have a really long hard look at your future when you're feeling up to it. In the meantime don't make any big decisions. I think when your mum passes he'll get all affectionate but you have to remember What he was like at this point, when you really needed him.

💐💐💐

Im so sorry to read about your mum @blastendedskrewts . Get yourself signed off. Spend some quality time with her and your dad now. It doesnt matter if she carries on longer, in fact that's a bonus.

ASD in situs like this is a bigger disability than anyone credits. He may be finding it overwhelming himself, if he is, he needs to see a GP. Tell him you're going to have to stop tidying up, washing up etc and then stop doing it, you'll make yourself ill. If he does nothing, I'd get rid. What sort of life will you have with him?

sorry to hear about your mum. Your priority now is with her. Housework can wait. Live on microwave meals. Don’t let this become headache o top of everything you have going on.

However OP in the nicest way- please think twice before having a child with this man. He’s showing you now how he behaved in a crisis. Imagine how he would be when you have a child up three times a night, when they are teething, when you are back at work and need a lot of support, when your child is sick and so the list goes on. He does not sound like he would make any Top Dad nominations, he sounds too selfish.

So, many of you arexsuggesting that the OP takes time off wiork because her DH is either too lazy, too stubborn, or not aware enough to help his wife.
Why should her colleagues have to do her work when her husband cannot be bothered to be a partner?
Grow some courage, OP, andcread him the riot act.
Don"t make your colleagues resent you

I'm so sorry about your mum. I can't imagine how you're feeling.

Your husband is a waste of space. He should be doing all of the cooking, cleaning and housework as a matter of course, not just in the current situation. It's about fair division of labour. You work 50 hours outside the home and he works 21. Let's say cooking, shopping, cleaning, admin etc takes 10 hours a week. Your household runs on 81 hours per week of labour, and you're currently doing 60 (that's 3/4!!) of them while he sleeps and plays computer games? And when you specifically ask for help because you're in the midst of one of the most heartbreaking and challenging times of your life, he responds by half-arsing a few jobs and is completely emotionally unavailable.

OP, this man must have a solid gold dick or be the funniest MF on the planet. I don't know what is the point of him otherwise. He's not an equal partner, he doesn't fulfill your emotional needs and he doesn't pull his weight around the house he lives in. He gaslights you with the "you have higher standards so you should do the cleaning" bullshit.

If you have children with this man, your life will be hell on earth. And children deserve a better dad than this lazy fuck.

@blastendedskrewts

No kids yet.

Don't have children with this person who cares about you so little he's not lifting a finger to help you during such a tough time for you. He's not even pulling his weight generally - not exactly a supportive partner in your life, is he? Listen to that "little niggle", which actually is a loud bell ringing, and determine to have a better life without someone dragging you down.

Sorry you're going through such a tough time with your mum OP. You must be mentally as well as physically exhausted and other posters have it right - take the time you need from work and move in with your parents for as long as you need to. That will help you as well as them.

Sending you a handhold and strength my dear. 🌹

You seem bent on just making excuses for him.

He isn't there for you and hasn't tried to lessen your load at all. That is a sign of a selfish, self-centered, egotistical person whose only concern is themselves.

I hope you realize that you deserve better and start to value yourself more than what you do right now.

Take the time off and spend it with your Mom. Those moments cannot be had once she has passed, and you will cherish those moments, always.