What support would you expect from husband in this situation?

[blastendedskrewts]

I work weekdays 7am-6pm, his work is flexible 3 days a week so he usually sleeps until midday and works the afternoon into evening, takes a break when I get home for the evening, then works a bit more after I go to bed, so about 7 hours x 3 a week.

My mum is on end of life care and lives a couple of hours away from us. She's got maybe a couple of weeks according to the doctor last week. I've been going to visit every weekend since November, to help dad and see mum, and then once or twice midweek after work, which is a bit of journey but I just want to be with my mum while I can. When I'm not physically there, I'm facetiming her and dad, trying to sort out carers/cleaners for dad who needs help too, keeping my siblings and aunts/uncles updated as best as I can.

I've asked him to pick up more cleaning. He hasn't. I asked him to do the shopping order and meal plan. He just ordered ready meals. He's not worked yet this week and I've just got home and he's still in bed. No kids yet.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually do something to look after me through this awful period?

Yep sounds about right x

He's actively showing you how supportive he is in a tough time.
Please take note. Many of us don't, and parenthood swallows us whole.

If you think he can change, now needs to be that time.

I would expect that he would atleast cook and clean on the days he isn't working.

And do one or the other on the days he works.
I'd expect that he would be asking if he could help with your parents.. as I'm out of work (pregnant and have kids) I've assumed most of his parents caring responsibilities.

Yes, he is a gamer, and we are in the UK, so the time zones are correct, however ludicrous it may sound. He struggles with sleep, so it's often all or nothing for him- days of only a few hours, followed by a couple of marathon sleeps.

Then you've enjoyed the time you've had with her now and then take more time off later on as and when you need to. If you're public sector (I'm thinking civil service but that might not be right) you get 6 months full sick pay and 6 months half. And maybe paid compassionate leave. Use it x

🫂

What a lazy prick! Yes he should be doing more, he barely works!

Please DO NOT have kids with this man, as he is giving you a very eye opening insight into how he will behave! The lazy shit!

Take the time off. Be with your mum. When you’re ready take some time to reflect on what you want from a partner and potential co parent and this man’s capacity to provide that.

Bin him. He can barely manage to work part time. How do you think he will contribute once you have kids?

This. He is not a long term prospect.

i dont actually understand why youre doing the cleaning and food shop anyway????

Why does he work so few hours?

Oh ffs get some humanity

I don't really want to go into too many details about his work because it's niche, but he gets a lot done in the time he does work, and it's quite intense. He worked full time before we met but it affected his health, so he cut down. He's worked these hours as long as I've known him.

THIS ^

In spades.

If you stay with him and have children, you WILL live to regret it...

@ArnieLinson I like to cook, he doesn't, so I meal-plan and order what we need. He would happily go for weeks without cleaning the bathroom or hoovering, so if I don't do it, he won't.

He's not a keeper and he's definitely not dad material.

Ah. He’s a lazy manchild gamer that likes to stay up late, sleep late, work little, and have you do the cooking and cleaning? So he was looking to marry mummy that would go to work, help pay the bills, cook and clean and look after him without expecting him to step up or even be there for her? And you obliged??

Come on OP, you deserve better than this.

You’re right @googoodoll22 - it was an inappropriate reaction. I apologise.

I’m sorry OP - you’re going though a really horrible thing.

I’m just upset and angry for you and all the women dealing with these useless men and I reacted inappropriately.

But please move on from this leech - imagine he can’t even support you at a time like this.

I really feel for you OP, and I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time with your mum.
I echo other PP - if it's at all practical, could you go and stay with your folks for the time being?

On a different note, and I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh - you dropped into your update that your DH has ASD. This must surely have some relevance in this situation?
I'm wondering if pp are replying to your op without taking this into consideration?
I don't have much knowledge of ASD, so I could be way off the mark here.

Then why live with him? He is dirty and lazy. If you have children, he will drain everything from you. He cannot even be slightly decent now.

My other half is like that…I once left the bathroom and brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink/showered at the gym over the road. 6 months later and we had pink sludge climbing up the shower cubicle. I broke and decontaminated the bathroom. It genuinely didn’t bother him…he just doesn’t see it. Buuuut…a) he’s getting better at seeing when things needs doing and b) he always had the support in spades. It might be ‘let me buy takeout or ready meals’ rather than meal planning and cooking but that’s ok - he’s covering meals while I can’t. When things kicked off at work, he bought a load of things for massages and read up on the best way to give one. He’d drive me the hour over to the hospital my uncle was at regularly and drive me back again, for months, so I didn’t have to spend three hours each way on the train. He bought me chocolate the other day when he saw I was stressed at work…then brought out the other half of the chocolate stash after dinner because he knew I wouldn’t have been able to make myself save any and I would be sad.

So, is it that he’s self-absorbed or is he showing you his support in other ways? I mean, I’m thinking the former from what you’ve said, but there’s maybe a chance that what he sees as support is different to what you need. You need to talk to him about how you feel.

What does he actually bring to the relationship? If he’s not prepared to help you now when you really need him then he’s never going to be prepared to help you.

Get signed off and go and stay with your dad. You will never regret it, trust me.

Thinking docs have got it wrong is your mind protecting you.

You'll also get space from your relationship while not having to actually deal with the mental gymnastics of a split at this time.

op just go and be wit your mum trust me you'll remember the time together

deal with the man child when youre ready

If you are working double what he is then I would already be expecting him to be picking up more than he does right now - especially given the current situation. I agree with the others, don't have kids with him, he won't get any better and then you will have all the house stuff AND all the kid stuff. You will end up resentful and bitter - not good for a family life.

@whynotwhatknot "op just go and be with your mum trust me you'll remember the time together, deal with the man child when you're ready"

This.
Be very kind to yourself - you are going through a very hard time.

You are hardly there. Out at work every day, At your parent's every weekend, and twice during the week.

He needs to clean it himself or pay for a cleaner out of his pay cheque.

Gaming can be an addiction and take up all of someone's time. He needs to address this.