New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

It's not them. It's his parenting style that is working so well. It's too late to implement that now anyway so stop worrying. But don't moan to him about them because he knows it's your style that's at fault.

You sound very judgemental. Yabu. Different ways to parent. How nasty were you re the cars.

My parents sounded quite a lot like your style, and I often wish in hindsight they were most like his.

I needed pushing to do well, boundaries, incentives as a teenager of that age. They never pushed on grades just said do your best, and I did what my 17 year old head decided was my best but as an adult I know it definitely wasn't, I missed out on so many opportunities because of the lack of discipline (on my part but backed up by parents).

I do also think young adults need boundaries and consequences.

I would say I think the forcing work at 16 and asking them to pay digs seems extreme. I worked at 16 because I wanted more than the pocket money I got, but didn't start pay any rent until I was out of full time education.

I was brought up like this by my parents. I was always busy, piano, sport, one of the best of my class, went to work during summer since I was 16 and I was allowed nice things. I got a phd I am on a senior management role and make a very good 6 figure salary. I have loads of friends whose parents were more relaxed, did not much at home, a lot of in front of tv and there was not much expectation they would do great at school. Their careers are not great and they do not make much money.
obviusly teenagers now are different so I can’t say this is a rule.
and also who is actually happier, me with my busy high achieving job, nice house, nice car or them with their 9-5 job, or even part time renting? Not sure really! (Obvs I have girlfriends who married well and are SAHM doing a great life so they keeping in really doing not much during the day, but that’s another topic!)
just to say, different lifestyles really and different values. Each to their own, but you can not judge him because he has different ones.

I don't see the problem here. There are lots of ways to parent and you both seem happy with how you're both doing things, so nothing to get upset about. I can see why your DP is perhaps strict as he didn't want things to deteriorate for his children when their mother passed away.

Tomato
Tomatoe
Parent your own ways.
Stop talking about how u parent with each.
Do you two actually have anything else in common?
I was brought up differently to all my friends.
Who cares.

I parent more like your DP and to be honest I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who parented the way you do as we would just be too incompatible.

I would also say that my kids haven't given me any grief as teenagers, never been in trouble at school whatsoever and they don't talk back as that is something I have not accepted from the time they were little.

Bear in mind his children have lost their mum. Hes probably feeling like he has to make up for that in other ways as best he can.
Surely all parents if they could, would buy their children’s first cars. Insurance in excess of 2k for a year, plus lessons, on a part time job is pretty hard. My son is 2, I’ve started a savings account already. Could your partner have done that and be using the life savings for their car? Hardly spoilt. You sound a bit bitter.
honestly the pair of you together sound the perfect balance of parenting! But complete opposites don’t let it drag you apart.
ps - teenagers should do chores. Teenagers should have part time jobs. Teenagers should be allowed down time. No I’m not a teenager, no where near but I’ll advocate for them because I remember I had it really really rough.

My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

It doesn’t sound like they were encouraged to do their best though with those grades.

So his eldest was 12 when their mother died? And he's been a single parent with no one to share the load for 7 years, with 3 grieving children and grieving himself? Then I think he's done an amazing job, and YABU to criticize his parenting style - I don't think you fully appreciate what he was up against. On the other hand, he shouldn't be criticising your parenting either but perhaps he wasn't intending to - perhaps like many men he didn't realise you just wanted him to listen and he thought you wanted him to problem solve for you.

It sounds odd but actually children and teenagers love boundaries. They may whine or push them, but actually, knowing what the expectations are of them and where the line is helps them feel safe, secure, and sure of their place in the world.

There isn't enough information to make a full judgement of his parenting- you haven't seen them interact. If he is warm and loving then he is a good example of an authoritative parent, which is often touted as the ideal parenting style.

It doesn't sound like he is hot housing his kids: sounds like they are learning valuable budgeting and life skills, achieving well academically, keeping fit and active, and have friends and good social skills. They do sound on paper well rounded.

I'm not going to criticise your parenting but I wondered how you have dealt with the behaviour issues?
In your post you've said things alluding that you wouldn't expect of your kids what you wouldn't do yourself, and I wondered what you might be modelling to them, consciously or otherwise. Do you yourself feel anxious, or that you've underachieved?

Exactly this!

Theres a difference between spoiling your children and them being spoilt.
Sounds like he has raised them well, they sound respectful and hard working, despite losing a parent at a young age. A stark contrast between vaping and dogging school 🤷🏼‍♀️

Parenting isn't one size fits all. You adapt to the needs of your child surely? You judge his parenting and he judges yours going forward this is unlikely to work. I'd find someone else.

Don't moan about your children to him if you're not interested in parenting the way he does. So long as you and your DC are happy and healthy that is surely all that matters.

He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled

What type of car?

A second hand car is very different from a brand new/hire car.

Tbh I prefer your partner’s parenting style. He sounds like he puts value on education and hard work. Lots of structure too.

As you can tell by the voting and the fact that you haven’t been back to the thread - YABU

I think you’ve given great examples of why his kids have turned into successful respectful kids and yours by your own admission are average at best at school and have behavioural issues.

Honestly, he sounds like one of the good ones unless there is some huge drip feed here.

Kids have jobs/pull their weight. He's encouraging them into work, helping them save and helping with practical things like cars. A lot of blokes get savaged on here for being Disney dads or incapable of stepping up when something goes wrong and this guy is the polar opposite of that.

I’d have a nervous breakdown on his schedule and rules and I’m an adult!

You both sound judgey and incompatible.

He sounds like a great parent. He's supported his children and helped them develop the skills they need for success in school and the future, and they are on track for bright futures.

As for your kids, are you so very sure they 'did their best' in achieving those low marks? Do you not think that perhaps if they spent more time on schoolwork, as opposed to several hours at a time on video games, that they might achieve more?

I cannot wrap my head around the idea of allowing a teenager who is strugglint in school to play video games for hours at a time. Why would you not try to help with school work and preparation, or at the very least insist that they put more time into school work?

Unbelievable, really.

As someone who employs and manages people, I know which kids I’d rather have when they enter the workforce.

I think having to turn up to school; be diligent and conscientious with your schoolwork striving for good grades; have a work ethic; have experience of handling diverse members of the public; do things you may not necessarily love but have to do such as chores and low level out of school and weekend work, while putting a pleasant look on your face and being respectful to people, and without complaining - goes a long way to preparing people for successful employment. The fact that such a person was given a car at 17yo and a new phone here and there would not deter me in the slightest.

To be quite honest apart from the 15 year olds none of them are children. Ones 19!!!

I wouldn’t blend families with this man because your parenting isn’t compatible and someone’s dc would end up miserable.

You might need to spell out for him that sometimes you want a moan, not parenting advice or criticism.

Or let him know that if he criticises your choices, his are up for debate too,

Different strokes - I admire his approach but I’m a much softer touch myself. Have a look at the four parenting styles - he’s sounding a bit authoritarian but he has a warm and loving personality, that would fall into the authoritative ideal. You and I are probably a bit permissive, and it’s hard to enforce rules and boundaries.