New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

the amount of money you earn is not a symbol of a successful or even well brought up person.

It sounds like he’s preparing them really well for adult life. And whatever he’s doing is clearly working because they’re getting great grades.

I think you sound jealous OP.

You are very judgemental. Does he know that you think he has parented too harshly, whereas your laissez-faire attitude had produced excellent (vaping, school-avoiding) children ?
He's dealt with the loss of his wife while bringing up (at the time of loss) young-ish children, who were also grieving
You don't even acknowledge that his parenting created well-balanced young people, to you it's just their personality, and he is lucky
You don't bother to make parenting arrangements with their father.
He has set boundaries, clearly stated to them you think these are harsh,. Did you set boundaries?
He needs someone who appreciates what he has done for his kids. He sounds like a great parent

some kids can work big and day and not achieve a B. Some kids just don’t have the capability.

All these posts saying they sound well rounded good kids…she hasn’t met them. They may be awful and have horrible personalities. Just because they get high grades and have part time jobs does not mean they aren’t little sociopaths. How can we still be judging our older kids on what grades they get in these antiquated standardised exams???

Dogging school???!!!
Would love to see their prospectus!
😂

He sounds like a fantastic Dad. It can’t have been easy for him after their mum died.
Keeping their shoes and coats upstairs does sound a bit extreme but his kids seem like they are able to cope with high expectations. What’s out of order is the judging of each others parenting. He shouldn’t comment and you sound very bitter.
Men often feel they need to be solution focused when you moan though so maybe just stop telling him these things or explain you just want a sympathetic ear, not an answer to your problems.

Getting a job - good, learning to pay rent also good
getting a car ( they have a job so why not )
nice phones well they work hard at school and help out in the house so again why not,
sounds like he has installed decent standards for his kids - they don’t sound spoilt to me but I wouldn’t judge his parenting skills until I’d met them it’s easy to talk a perfect talk!

I think he’s doing an amazing job and plan to do similar with my children. They are all expected to have 3/4 on school reports and be in top sets at school by y9 they are awarded each time they get a good report etc. They will be getting jobs at 16 and I will charge a small amount of rent to return to them when they get a mortgage/ married/ want to travel etc. I’ve been saving since they were born so I can get them a car, driving lessons and insurance and a lump sum of money for uni if needed.
My children used to struggle at school but are now thriving and will become happy, well balanced and successful adults with the world at their feet!

100% this! ⬆️

Not sure you're compatible long term, though & can't see a happy 'blended' family in your future.

I actually agree with how he brings up his teens. I was far too relaxed with mine. As for making them get a job at 16 and pay their way. So they should. Maybe you should be a bit stricter with yours

Oh give onver 🤣

OP didn’t just post “they get As”.

We also know that they study hard for what they get, clean up after themselves, do their own laundry and cook regularly, go out with friends, have boyfriends, participate in sport… plenty there for the impressive of being well rounded.

I prefer his parenting style over yours any day. And sounds like his kids are doing better than yours. Go figure.

You've only been seeing him for 8 months and are massively critical of his parenting (which sounds fine to me - you both sound like good parents). Maybe you're not very compatible.

Most of these replies miss the point. When you get together later in life, with children from previous relationships, the last thing you want is someone judgemental about parenting. You will not take kindly to someone criticising your parenting/your children. It just creates stress you don't need. You want your partner to listen and help you decide how to deal with situations that come up (vaping, school refusals) not compete about who is the "best" parent.
In my experience, you want someone supportive, who you can talk to without the fear they judge ie: "You have been too lax with your children and they get away with murder, what do you expect?" or "Your approach is too rigid and your kids are scared of you, and scared to fall off the perch of being perfect with A grades for everything."
This forces both of you into a defensive position, and it sounds as if that's where the op is. It creates distance, and may force them apart in the end.
Incidently, the op hasn't met her partner's kids. He may be portraying his situation more positively than it actually is. I was widowed, and I have been a single parent for more than fifteen years. Children grieve in different ways and go through the stages of grief at different times, at different rates. This is something you learn over time. I was wary of being too rigid with mine because of that. Perhaps it has worked for the op's partner's kids, perhaps not, we don't know. They might come back in their 30s and say they had too much pressure to achieve when they were dealing with the loss of their mum, or they might say it made them feel loved and secure.
Things will always come up with your kids, out of the blue, when they are 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. You do not want Mr Judgey lording it over you about his perfect parenting every time. He will have issues with his kids in the same way - we all will. A little empathy and understanding goes a long way.

If the Op had been genuinely confident and happy with her parenting, she would have returned to engage and discuss with posters

but as soon as she realised that actually we were “seriously, not a B between 3 teenagers? 75% attendance rate at school? vaping?”. versus your partners style of parenting? Hell yes we’re with your partner!! She shuffled off

sounds like you’ve had one hell of a tough gig parenting OP

but instead of owning it (which would be a positive as means you’d address) you’ve convinced yourself it’s all good.

It isn’t

Sounds to me be like he's doing a great job, especially given what the family has been through

You moan to him about your kids, he tries to give advice to solve the problems. If you don’t like his advice, don’t complain about their behaviour to him. IMO he will have been trying to do his best to raise his own DC the way him and his wife had visioned. Leave him to his parenting styles while you crack on with your own.

You did ask…I’d call your style lazy parenting. It doesn’t do them any favours in the long run or set them up well for adulthood. You’ve set no expectations so they won’t bother trying. They’ll probably end up in dead end jobs or unemployed.

His kids have been set high expectations and they’re meeting and exceeding them.

My DH was also widowed with teens when I met him. They’re now mature adults and they’re doing incredibly well and both have lovely partners and young children. I wouldn’t say he was as strict with them as your fella but he gave them good boundaries and a fair bit of responsibility as older teens.

Sorry but I am on your fellas side here
he sounds like a wonderful father

his kids are learning valuable life skills, respectful and behaving well, not truanting or gaming for hours and work !!! Not criticising your way but you are not fair in criticising his way of raising them

Well if he comments on your parenting I'd ask him if he values the mental health of his children. Dead Mother and then a Father that strict seems like a mental health Timebomb to me.

It sounds like he is a control freak of a parent whereas you are a passive (lazy)one.

You are judgemental of each other.

It sounds like a match made in hell , run!

This HAS to be a reverse.

@Ottersmith

He isn’t a control freak at all though? I suppose if you are someone who views the op’s parenting as normal you might view it that way, but her parenting is emphatically lazy.