New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

I am surprised you’re so black and white on this. Surely you would know better than others that parenting teens is so much more complex than simply concluding something on the basis of one detail

Exactly!

I think he's doing brilliantly especially after losing their mum. If he was so controlling why would he get them cars? Contradicts this awful parenting that op is trying to paint of him.

I have been a parent like you OP and in hindsight I wish I had been a parent like him.

Somewhere in the middle sounds about perfect.
Your children should be doing more and have stricter boundaries/consequences.
his children need more freedom/less pressure.

You are judging him as much as he is judging you. Let’s be thankful you didn’t have kids together cause that wouldn’t have been a fun household!
I think you just need to agree to disagree and don’t get involved with each others kids to a level of having to discipline them which should be fine as they’re all older now.

My kids are much younger so I don’t really know how I’d parent teens but I expect I’d be closer to your style than his. However - don’t knock it if it’s working! His kids sound great and you’ve got no reason to assume they are unhappy, I’d probably prefer a more relaxed environment but kids can thrive with discipline, firm boundaries and clear expectations.

Personally, I don’t think it’s just “luck of the draw” and you just get what you get - parenting makes a huge difference, otherwise why do we all spend time stressing about whether we are getting it right and why do so many criminals/horrible people have backgrounds where they have been parented badly?

Regardless of who has the “right” approach, you are clearly very critical of his style of parenting so I don’t think it’s fair of you to get upset if he criticises yours. You don’t sound very compatible tbh so I’d wonder if this was a relationship worth pursuing.

I think, that all kinds of parenting turns out varieties of characters and that’s why we are all different.
I think that you are defensive of your parenting as you have been very open about the difficulties teenagers being with them and either he has never experienced this with his or simply, they have never been caught.
some families do place a lot of motivation on their teens in regards of work - and interestingly I have found this with my own parenting because my eldest 2 were never expected or encouraged to get jobs before going to college or uni - yet my youngest son who was a teenager when I met my new partner (who had different thoughts) was actively encouraged by my new partner to find a little job and subsequently he’s now 23 and has never not had a job except for a short time in his final year at uni whereby I’ll be very honest and my partner literally paid him not to work and concentrate on his dissertation.
Would my elder2 have been different people had they been encouraged to work? I don’t know but it certainly didn’t do the harm I thought it would.

if I’m honest I think there’s a bit of a financial difference between you and your partner, a huge difference in life situations as he is widowed and has total responsibility and possibly additional support from family members who stepped in to help, different expectation of teenagers - you run a home with relaxed expectations he seems to thrive on order and discipline and it’s just different.

Parenting teens is hard whatever path you follow and there will always be pros and cons and ups and downs.

I don’t think your parenting is worse than his as others have suggestedso don’t beat yourself up about it !!

Why? My father bought me an old banger when I was 17. I bloody loved that car.

The OP didn't say they were brand-new BMWs

As you say - very different circumstances.

His children suffered massive trauma and had to grow up very fast. I should imagine that if they don’t cook once a week and do their washing then it doesn’t get done.

Also, if they didn’t have cars at 17 then they might not get to go anywhere.

And - as a single Dad, he may not know whether they are vaping or skipping lessons, or drinking etc. He probably doesn’t have enough time to notice. Doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it. That could be why they are out all the time!

But as mature children they probably try it and decide it’s a bit rubbish anyway. They really have lived through the very worst thing that could ever happen to a child, your perspective changes hugely and you realise you only actually have yourself to blame/rely on. There isn’t anything to rebel against.

I can’t comment on the grades - maybe they are just naturally good at exams.

Your children are blessed by loving and present parents, they have the comfort and privilege of being able to fail on a daily basis. They are very lucky.

His children would give up the cars, and the tech and everything you see as being ‘spoilt’ to have 10 minutes with their mum.

However, it must be annoying that your new boyfriend doesn’t realise that his children and their ‘perfection’ are a result of circumstance, but he has to hang on to the fact that he has done something right - after all he has done it all on his own. He needs to feel positive about his choices. He might still blame himself in someway for the death of their mum (eg. If only i had been there, if only I had seen the signs, if only i had called at that precise moment, if only i had… etc etc etc). That isn’t something that disappears.

If you like him say ‘You have done such a great job. You should be really proud of those kids.’

If he can’t say anything positive about you… then that’s generally crap and maybe you should reconsider how he makes you feel. You deserve to feel good about yourself too.

Wish he was my dad!!!! Why shouldn’t he teach them to earn money and get them cars if can afford it. He’s setting them up for a decent future.

So you don't think the fact that he has less difficult teenage situations to deal with (vaping and not going to school) has anything to do with his style of parenting?

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong but it sounds like his style has worked out pretty well if the children aren't misbehaving and are respectful.

His kids are spoiled because they were given a big gift on a birthday, but yours aren't even though they don't lift a finger around the house and have no consequences for vaping and bunking school? Aye, ok. I know which set of kids I'd rather be living with.

Have to agree with most PPs, he sounds like a fantastic parent, has boundaries and expectations in place with the kids and rewards them well for sticking to this. His kids are obviously achieving, participating in sports and romantic relationships. It sounds like they'll be incredibly well set up to be well rounded, responsible adults who contribute well to society.

Your lax parenting is resulting in no As or Bs between all 3 of your children (ever???), vaping, bunking school and general school avoidance, not helping with housework or reliably doing the little they are expected to do, sitting at home on video games and talking back.

I hate to pile on but if I were to choose a parenting style and a set of a children out of this scenario, it would absolutely be his and I have a feeling they will be much more successful and contribute more greatly to society than your own.

Vaping - something silly
GCSE results - I really don't care

Surely you can see that you're leading your kids to a life of stacking shelves in Lidl, while his kids will be managing them, telling them which shelves to stack?

They do say children of single dad's achieve more than children of single mother's 😢

I can only comment in what you've written but he sounds like a really good dad to me. The effects of his parenting, as you describe them, are really positive. His DC sound like they can look after themselves, take responsibility, contribute to the world, have done really well academically and enjoyed school, have friends, are busy and productive, work as a family to keep a home together. That's quite an achievement as a single parent together losing his wife at what is a really tough age for those children.

I think it's important that:

Children have structure and 'rules'
That they understand there are consequences to their choices
That they learn about contributing to the world- doing their bit at home, cooking, having a part-time job
Part-time jobs help them develop social skills in a more adult world, mingle with people, develop work skills, develop a work ethic

Having a sense of being able to take responsibility for things, being able to do things, contributing, developing work and people skills builds their view and understanding of the world and gives them self-confidence and resilience.

I'd much rather my kids were 'doing stuff' than lying round gaming daily.

However, I think you two are just very different and probably not suited if you can't stop niggling each other about parenting.

You sound like you could maybe take some of his techniques on board. They seem to be working.

“And - as a single Dad, he may not know whether they are vaping or skipping lessons, or drinking etc. He probably doesn’t have enough time to notice.”

🤨 my second husband is a widower and brought up his sons from ages 11 and 13, they’re now late 20s. He’d tell you to piss right off with that comment.

As would I, as a single mum.

We’re not incompetent parents because we’re solo! Don’t be a dick!

I doubt his kids would ever work as lidl even as a manager 😁

My thoughts exactly I bought mine a car at 17 so she could be independent no other reason

Aside from the house, I’m not sure I’m too dissimilar to your partner. I have high expectations around hard work (effort not outcome), pitching in at home, and not doing stupid shit like vaping. In exchange, they have a pretty comfortable life and I’d happily help with a car (when it’s time) and technology to make life easier. It’s definitely false that busy kids don’t have time to do much. 3 of my 4 are involved in high level sport, and one coaches. There is still tonnes of time to chill and watch TV. Maybe not 12 hours straight of a weekend, but definitely enough time to feel well rested and balanced.

It might be one of those things where the middle ground between you both would need to be found. He might be a bit overly focused on results rather than effort, but you might need to increase your expectations. I’d be quite unimpressed if my kids were reprimanded at school more than once!

What is the issue - that he criticises your parenting? As someone who is about halfway between you and him in terms of parenting style, I'd bristle if someone criticised me but we do all parent differently. I have high expectations for my kids academically, and I have one naughty child that I do punish by removing tech - otherwise HE would run rings round me. He says his friends think I am strict but I don't think I am particularly. I'm a single parent and I have boundaries, which I enforce and their dad supports me. Personally I think expecting kids to pay 'digs' is excessive - I had to work through university as got zero parental support and a tiny grant and the loan wasn't enough to cover everything, and it massively impacted on my ability to study. I'd rather they focused on getting good grades. But it's his house so his rules.

I would say, be very very thankful you don't have kids together - as this is clearly one aspect you are incompatible.

To me he sounds amazing, but I can appreciate to others, he may sound overbearing.

You want to sound relaxed but actually you come across as really judgemental and like you think your way is best. He sounds like an authoritarian parent and he thinks his style is best. You're probably incompatible.

To teach them the value of money?

So that they will learn that things have to be paid for?

His kids are likely to set out on their own with a good appreciation of how to manage their cash.

Polar opposites in my opinion. Usually when people get together they are attracted by the others morals & values which one day they both hope to instill in their kids - different for you guys now as you've both raised your children very differently so all will have a very different view of life. Whilst I sort of agree with how you're raising your children, you can understand why his kids act like they do. They're made to work hard to be successful. You both view success differently I guess. If you ever break up, feel free to pass my details on 😂 he sounds like they type of postive influence I'd like around my kids!