New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

Wait, so you’re saying he has high performing, well behaved kids with jobs who can do their own laundry and cooking, and can clean up after themselves? And yours are low performing, lazy, get into trouble, and can’t do basic chores? Yeah, I'm with him. Sounds like he’s got it sussed. You could learn a thing or two here.

Other than the expecting keep (replace with expecting them to save a percentage of their part tkme job earnings which they did/do) then I have to say I identify with his style of parenting/lifestyle and kids rather than yours.

You kind of sound a bit jealous in a way/judgmental. I am not sure the relationship is compatible going forward even as it sounds as though when his kids either succeed you will be resentful or should they fail you will be gleeful.

only someone very unhappy in life would suggest this

I disagree with a couple of the things he does. Making them pay digs at 16 is not something I’d consider whilst they are in full time education. Removal of tech I feel they are a bit old for that. Expecting grades 6-9 is absolutely fine if they have shown the ability to achieve those grades and then they slip due to laziness. Buying them a car, having chores and the house being clean and tidy, with their stuff in their rooms rather than scattered round the rest of the house sounds fine too. You don’t even live together so I think you should both just concentrate on parenting your teens in you own way, you shouldn’t be commenting negatively on each others parenting style. I disagree that it is luck of the draw. How you parent in the teenage years makes a huge difference.

Not read the whole thread but I have read the OP.

This is a guy where the mother of his children died 7 years ago and he has not been in a relationship since and has basically done the childrearing on his own,right?

Sounds like he is doing a mighty fine job as a father to be honest! I suggest you keep your opinions about his home and parenting to yourself. It really does sound like a typical male (and pretty good to be honest) approach to being a father. He is still there doing that for his teenage kids which is a lot more than can be said for millions of fathers across the country (whether or not their wives/mothers of their children have died or they have split up or whatever).
Leave him alone. If you cannot bear it then the kindest thing would be for you to split up with him, his teenage kids will thank you.

Surely by the age your kids are now you've realized that everybody does it their own way and there's no right or wrong
This sounded like a very judgy post on a person who's been doing it alone for a number of years and has the kids they hoped to have as a result.

Perhaps Ottersmith is the OP who possibly name changed to post

When you open a thread about blended family parenting, it’s usually about a man who sets not boundaries and generally Disney dads through life avoiding any of the actual parenting.

This man sounds like a perfectly good parent. And the OP sounds weirdly jealous (‘I view this as being spoiled’) and enormously defensive about her own children. She also doesn’t sound like she has any respect for this man she’s been dating.

It sounds like she complains about her vaping, pissing about with phones in school, housework avoiding kids (apparently this is all falls under ‘doing something silly’) and then gets annoyed at her boyfriend about it.

I doubt the relationship is going anywhere. The fact he is not keen on introducing his children to the OP and her teens, is a sign that he’s not looking to build a life with her; he’s happy for a more casual relationship in his free time.

It’s weird though. If this is the narrative the OP thought would elicit the sympathy of MNers, I dread to think how ‘silly’ the teens she’s describing actually are. Similarly, her sneering description of the so-called ‘perfect Peter’ kids with PT jobs who contribute practically and financially, are involved in hobbies, do well at school and so on feels like her judgement of what people will see as over-strict parenting is skewed.

You'd not know mine was a household of teens except for the shoes, it's not like they're toddlers and there's toys everywhere.

I spent my childhood with a similar stepfather in terms of rules. To be honest we only followed the rules because we were scared. He used to shout at us and make up the weirdest rules like sitting on the floor if you didn't push your chair in properly after dinner. His father was in the navy so I think he must have been treated like this as a child.

huh?

Why on earth are you together, you sound like you have nothing in common.

The OP says the digs money is put into savings, which I presume means for them later on in life.

😂😂😂😂

Thats what we call it when we skip school, never realised how else it sounds 🙈😅

Have you read the OP’s posts properly. Her youngest is clearly struggling with mental health. Her children are vaping, getting into trouble at school, avoiding school, etc.

Sneering about his parenting and ignoring the very obvious Issues in her own household is just not very nice.

There’s a whole stones and glasshouses thing to be considered here.

He sounds a bit too tough, with love shown through material rewards, which could be interpreted more as rewards for compliance than actual love, so potentially a bit of a cold parent who won’t get many visits from his children once they’ve left home (although he might not actually be like that, just sounds like he might well be). And you sound a little bit like a low expectation parent who could expect a bit more of their children and set a few more boundaries. But who knows, from brief descriptions?! What do your friends think?

Not RTFT but... I have parented my DC17 more like you for what felt like valid reasons relating to trauma (although have not had any discipline issues with them such as those you describe with vaping etc) but wish now that I had been more like your partner and instilled more of a ability to manage their own routines and prepared them better for adulthood. They do have a job and I wouldn't ask them to contribute to the household but have helped them to set up a savings account and standing order. I also wouldn't refuse a gap year but would expect it to be productive in some way that helps them moving forward - earning, gaining work experience, self-funded travelling etc.

I think your partner sounds a fantastic parent who has raised confident, competent children, ready to face the adult world and succeed in it and providing an excellent framework to teach them about the value of hard work / success and reward. I really wish I'd been more like him and less like you.

He sounds like a great Dad and he has runs on the board with the oldest .. who in turn will help mentor the younger ones and expose them to success.
His kids have gone through grief yet don't seem to be medically or emotionally crippled so they are resilient.
maybe they communicate well together.
Are all the teenagers of the same sex? Boys can tend to take longer to take on adult responsibliities in my experience.

I would advise not to share a house with your boyfriend as the kids would not be compatable. Four more years of not living together would be best for all the kids.
You are doing a good job parenting too.

You might find that your kids will mature, but a little later and when they are all in their twenties they might not be so casual about aiming high as they are now.

But that’s not the father the OP is describing at all. Theres no indication that he shouts or the children are scared of him.

The OP has just decided that the children must be scared because they are maybe unusually tidy or helpful (but not uniquely so!) and aren’t having problems at school.

I actually do worry about his boundary-less some of these posters.

Jobs - not unusual to have jobs, unusual to pay digs
cars - not unusual for parents to buy cars
tidyness - different approaches to tidyness
chores - -considering their ages, this is a lot of chores
tech - nothing wrong in having newer tech
gap year - bit strict to reduce uni payments if taking a gap year
exams - if they’re bright kids, then expecting them to get good results is natural.

Reading between the lines, he’s more Captain Von Trapp and you’re more Maria.

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such.

But I think you're being smug and as judgemental as fuck

He's not being unreasonable either

And I suspect that as your world views are so different, this relationship may well fizzle before the youngest teens are off your respective hands (and will implode if you try to take it further before that)

@ScartlettSole 😂

He sounds like he has done an excellent job with his kids. OP, your approach to parenting is different to his. I wonder in which other ways you are incompatible.

The relationship doesn’t sound like it has legs TBH.

Agree, don't think this will make it to a year now you know each other a little better and doubt you'll meet his kids at all since they have GCSEs and A levels this year (why did your kids want to meet him, they also have big exams this year so unnecessary distraction?). Too incompatible, too judgemental and no chance either of you will want to blend families.

He sounds like a great parent!