New partner and parenting

[Nchange12]

I have 3 teenagers, 18 (Y13), 17 (Y12) and 15 (Y11). I have been seeing someone for about 8 months, he also has 3 teens, 19 (second year of uni), 17 (Y13) and 15 (Y11).
He met my children last month, I told them about the relationship and they asked to meet him. I haven’t met his children, they know about me but don’t want to meet me yet, that’s fine.
The circumstances are different, their mother passed away 7 years ago, he hasn’t had a relationship since, I’m divorced and have a positive relationship with my ex, we don’t really have an arrangement for when the kids are where right now , leave it up to them.

Naturally we discuss the wonders of parenting teenagers. We could say our kids are very different though.
I’ve definitely dealt with more in terms of behaviour (vaping, school avoidance, general boundary pushing) where as he seems to have had very little of this.
Our parenting is remarkably different, I’d say he is stricter but his kids get more, while I’m more relaxed but my kids aren’t spoiled.
Examples

• His kids were/are expected to get a job as soon as the turn 16 and pay digs accordingly (he says he puts this in savings), I don’t expect my children to work and if they wanted to I wouldn’t take money while they were still in school
• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled
• If you walk into his house you wouldn’t think he had children (I’ve been while they’ve been out), everything they own gets kept in their rooms, down to costs and shoes, my house looks like I have teenagers!
• His kids have a higher chore expectation, including doing all their own washing and cooking once or twice a week (for his middle child this is on top of working 8 hours on Sunday and 4 hours after school one night a week and studying for A-levels), I just expect mine to keep their room clean and help when asked
• His kids have newer tech, he claims it is an incentive to work harder etc. He says he’d have a no tolerance policy on chat back or rule breaking but he hasn’t dealt with much in the last couple years, if he did all tech would be confiscated immediately and they wouldn’t be allowed out. I don’t take my kids tech regardless, I know I couldn’t be without my phone so why should they be
• He wouldn’t allow a gap year after sixth form, if they chose to take it he will reduce the funding he offers while at uni, he would support one the year after uni though
• He expects A and Bs (6-9s) exclusively in GCSEs and A-Levels and provides financial incentives. My kids have yet to achieve an A or B between them and I couldn’t care less - they did their best

I think you get the idea.

To the point, whenever my kids do something a bit silly (vape, get phone taken off them at school, don’t clean their room) and I have a little moan about it to him, he makes it clear he thinks I’m too relaxed, have low/no boundaries and my kids walk right over me. He then reminds me of his straight A, perfect Peter kids, who work and keep the house spotless and never dare to talk back.
All I can think is his kids must be either petrified of stepping out of line or miserable as they never catch a break.

AIBU to want to tell him that half of the reason his kids are like they are is because of their personality and not his stellar parenting and it’s luck of the draw? If I forced my kids to do everything his do they’d be bloody miserable!!
Or am I just a crappy parent who lets her kids run circles around her?

He sounds like a great parent tbh. His kids will leave home as functioning adults who know how to maintain a clean home and look after themselves, whereas yours are going to struggle. Speaking from experience here (I had a lax mum, it did us absolutely no favours in life whatsoever. It would'v been better had she'd been like your partner). I worked in childcare/school system for a long time, and the well behaved kids had firm parents, the more badly behaved kids had lax parents. Saw it time and time and time again.

This.

You sound somewhat controlling and judgemental. This isn't going to work. Move on. His kids Don't want to meet you. They are happy with the way things are at home,

I'm all for being strict and have hard-working well-behaved children myself, but his parenting style feels quite controlling. Things like not paying as much for uni if you have a gap year. I can see not funding a gap year, but punishing someone for taking one doesn't feel right

I think both of your parenting styles are not great. You sound FAR too lax and he sounds far too strict.

I'm actually a bit jealous of his parenting! Instilling a good work ethic, paying their keep (and putting it to savings is something I hope to do when my kids are older) buying them cars because he can afford to and ensuring they can drive.

Completely agree with the gap year, I've worked with so many young people (in a supermarket) take a 'gap year' but then don't go to uni at all and stay where they are or do basic jobs when they had so much potential.

More importantly, it sounds like you're not compatible and it would probably be best to end the relationship now.

With the amount of work they do in and out of the house aswell as paying board from 16 (which is gross btw) I’m a bit disgusted you called them spoilt for this. Those kids are definitely not spoilt. Buying affection and having so many conditions is never a good sign.

I think his style of parenting suits his kids and vice versa. Some kids respond v well to a lot of rules and high expectations. It’s easy to see someone else’s style as a criticism of your own but if you’re not sharing parenting, there’s no need to get into that.

• He bought his older 2 cars for their 17th birthdays - I view this as being spoiled

A lot of parents buy their kids their 1st car at 17, it doesn't make them spoiled. Unless he's bought them a car for £15-20k or more and not a runaround car.

What do you think you would have ended up doing if you had a child together? Would you have ended up finding a way to meet in the middle?

I think you just need to air this and have a big open discussion where you acknowledge neither of your parenting styles are 'right' and parenting varies according to personality, situation, your own upbringing etc. It's the most personal thing you can do and someone even hinting at you doing it wrong will make you very defensive.

So you need to find a way to recognise you parent differently without implying criticism of the other. You could probably learn from the other but the starting point has to be mutual respect.

And you need to be clear about what 'having a moan' means. If you present him with a problem and he suggests a solution, why are you mad with him? You could present it as 'my current challenge is this, what's your perspective?'

Can you imagine ever living with him? Can you just segment of this part of your life, enjoy each other's company without thinking you need to merge lives and form a big family? Keep your parenting woes for friends rather than him?

I'm much more your end of the spectrum and also don't like teens being bought loads of gadgets, cars etc and a pristine house - but people are different. That won't change about him, so like it or lump it. He's not going to suddenly be 500% more chill. You either like him as he is, or you don't.

It sounds like he is offering advice where you are looking for support i.e. when you are moaning about your children. You a little insecure about your parenting which is why probably reasonable advice feels like an attach, and you are looking to fight back rather than listen.

You sound like you are both parenting in best way you know how and reflects your values. He has high standards, and you like to relax, both are equally important.

I suggest just enjoy the relationship for what it is, but don't consider going any further... a holiday would cause a lot of conflict.

He sounds like a bloody good parent, if I'm honest. And losing his wife and (I assume) primary caregiver to the children on top of that. Hats off to him.

Long term, I don't think it's going to work between you two. Especially once the DC's have to co-exist. Very different parenting styles - too different to intertwine households.

Also - it's a massive stereotype but the male = logical and female = emotional divide can be a useful way to approach things.

He sounds like he's very A, B, C things have to be done in the right order, provide a reward for an achievement, don't reward lack of achievement etc. Straight down the line logical approach.

You sound much more creative and relaxed. More about empathy and support than goal-setting.

Both approaches have their merits, but you have to recognise the difference.

Until all of your children are over 21 and entirely self reliant and independent you are not compatible and need to maintain separate households.

Different children/different styles.

As for As and Bs, my children were high performing academically, therefore high grades were expected by them and us. If they hadn't been academic achievers, lower grades would have been expected from us, their teachers and them.

My only issue with his style is contributing to domestic expenses from the age of 16. I expected mine to focus on school work/sport/music until they graduated. However, I would not have been relaxed about non attendance at school or getting into scrapes at school. I was pretty relaxed about booze and fans at 16 but zero tolerance re other substances.

What has the OP said that makes her sound creative?

I think you could both learn a few things from each other OP.
Boundaries work but sometime you have to be flexible.
I don’t think expecting kids to do chores & get a part time job is controlling. It’s a good lesson for life. You are in danger of raising lazy future partners as your kids seem to think they don’t have to work as part of a team to help the family keep the home clean etc.
I think you need to rethink somethings

First post says it all.

Nature nurture debate but from what you have written it seems more nurture influenced there! His kids are more disciplined because he has been more disciplined with them, high expectations and worthwhile rewards. The cars are not spoiling them if they have earned them. I lean towards his style of parenting because I think the real world is worth preparing kids for!

There’s a lot you’ve said about his parenting style which I think is really valuable - young people should be expected to help with managing a household, and tidying their space. Twenty years ago that expectation was completely uncontroversial, but now apparently asking teenagers to pick up after themselves makes you some sort of tyrant! It’s ridiculous.

I also think asking them to contribute to the household financially if they are earning is a great idea. It’s clearly not about necessity for him as he sounds comfortable financially, but more for their own benefit to help them understand about managing money and the concept of balancing financial wants vs needs. Learning that now will stand them in good stead for their future.

I had a very lax parent growing up who didn’t give strong boundaries or clear guidance, and I can tell you the ‘relaxed’ style is really not always better. I have done OK, but have a 40 year old sibling who is back home living with said parent and - guess what - is still not picking up after themselves…

Thanks for saying that. I couldn't put my finger on why this thread was going so badly.

OP - your parenting styles are polar opposite which will probably mean your lifestyles won't be compatible even once all the children have left home. It sounds like he has done an awesome job of raising his children. As for saying his children don't have any downtime due to sport or visiting friends instead of video games...you are having a laugh with that, right?

You just sound jealous of his kids and therefore defensive of your parenting because you're trying to justify why your kids are worse behaved than his.

I mostly agree with his parenting tbh and whilst financially alot of it I wouldn't be able to do it's definitely something I would. He's giving them a good work ethic, teaching them skills with money etc. With the money he's saved from their 'rent' they'll likely have a good chunk towards a deposit etc. He's giving them good motivation to do well academically and providing for them how he can. All as a totally single parent as they don't have any other. I think his parenting sounds great tbh and you seem overly judgemental.

Children aren't entitled to their parents funding uni so it's more like rewarding them for not taking one that punishing for taking one. And he hasn't said don't do one he's said do it after uni instead of before which I think is probably sensible tbh.

His parenting style sounds exactly like mine and my husbands. We have two boys who respect us and our home, and they are rewarded for this. They absolutely categorically are 100% not ‘petrified’ of us. This is laughable. They are just well rounded young people who know what’s expected of them. I think we are setting them up for the realistic expectations of a work place.

if either of mine were found with a vape, they would have their devices removed permanently and provided with a basic one for safety between home and school.

Your OH sounds like he had a great balance…..makes them get a job and buys them a car 👍🏻

the very fact his 16 year olds have been even able to get jobs indicates they are pretty impressive individuals in terms of how they come across

I’m glad somebody else has said this. He sounds like he has done a fantastic job to set his kids up to be successful adults with a wide range of abilities and interests, especially navigating teenage years as a single parent.