Man on school run

[Frisps]

I see a man every morning on the school run and he stares at me. Like a really intense look and what I can only describe as an ‘evil’ sort of angry glare look on his face. I’ve no idea why. Never spoke to him, never had any issue. He doesn’t know me or anyone I know on the school run. His children are in a different year group to mine so there is no issues there. I just always see him every morning. The first few times he did it I just smiled but now I keep trying to avoid eye contact when I go past him but I can tell he’s still doing it as I feel his eyes on me as I go past. I did think I was being paranoid but I’m definitely not. the last couple of days he’s also walked past my car when I’ve been parked and I’ve been sat in it minding my own business. I’ve looked out my windscreen and then as he’s passed my window I’ve felt his eyes on me so looked and he’s staring at me like that whilst looking into my car window at me as he passes. I’m starting to feel quite annoyed and intimidated by this. What would you do?

Take a large man with you a few days and get him to glare back at the guy.

Start wearing mirrored sunglasses (obvs not while driving) to take away some of his power, he'll hate it

Then confront him, I'd want him to know I had clocked the carry-on.

"Are you aware that you glare at me? Have I done something to offend you?"

Even if your kid is the biggest walking nightmare ever, his behaviour is bizarre and I wouldn't allow it to continue.

Do you leave your engine running? 🤔

Funny. The ONLY time I've ever had a cross word or look when breastfeeding was when I was in the passenger seat of the car, feeding DC whilst DH went on a quick trip around the supermarket. I fed publicly for over a year, discreetly and without incident, but on that one occasion a woman came right up to the car window and stared down making mumblings of disapproval. I lowered the window, smiled sweetly and asked if she possibly didn't want to climb right into the car for a closer stare?

People are strange. I honestly think some of them go about actively looking for confrontation. Guess lone women are at the mercy of men and breastfeeding mums are fair game for anyone.

As for the objections that OP must be 'looking' even to know she's being death-stared at: of course she bloody is. Once you become aware someone's doing this you are morbidly conscious of their presence all the time, coupled with feeling awkward as you try your damndest not to catch their eye, but looking for them and catching it because you're trying far too hard keep away. It's exactly the way I behave when there's a wasp in the room because the nasty, stripey, stingy little thugs scare the shit out of me. If there's one in my vicinty I'm always aware of exactly where they are so I can get the hell away if they come anywhere near me.

I don't doubt OP feels the same. When there's someone behaving oddly in your victinity, and has form for it, you look. The horror! And it still doesn't place the blame for this peculiar situation on the OP.

"Are you aware that you glare at me? Have I done something to offend you?"

No: really don't do this. Never, ever, interpret their behaviour as your problem. He is the one behaving like a real weirdo here. Don't take on his weirdness as though it's in any way been caused by you. It's all his.

In any event, it's probably not a great idea to approach this guy.

I second the PP upthread who recommended Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. It's fairly dated now, and there's some language in it akin to victim blaming which I'm not keen on; nonetheless, it should be required reading for every woman.

Does he fancy you but just looks angry but is actually lusting after you? lol

Talk to the school straight away - you shouldn’t feel frightened or intimidated on the school run. If someone was swearing at you every day, you’d tell the school straight away, so staring at you the way you have described is just as scary and needs reporting. They will have to keep it private and they can help you decide what to do next.

Maybe he just has resting creep face. Honestly though you can't police the look on another human's face and if he isn't touching himself during the eye contact (that OP is participating in as takes two) and he hasn't said anything at all to OP, I don't see how anyone could give this head space. Just pick up your kids and ignore him.

@SerafinasGoose

"No: really don't do this. Never, ever, interpret their behaviour as your problem. He is the one behaving like a real weirdo here. Don't take on his weirdness as though it's in any way been caused by you. It's all his."

I'm not suggesting for one minute this behaviour is caused by OP, but by asking the latter part directly you are a) showing that the behaviour has been clocked and b) asking him to explain it.

Not once did I ask OP to undertake blame for this behaviour.

Not. Once.

OP said no.

I’d find it unnerving too OP especially as no obvious cause. Do any of the other parents know anything about him?

Confronting a man who is behaving oddly or aggressively towards a woman is not good advice.

Avoid, and possibly speak to the school or other parents.

Honestly many of the responses here i find disturbing.

A person knows if someone is behaving strangely towards them.

Like- repeatedly.

The amount of minimising ' Well..... you must be wrong,. or doing something wrong. or mistaken. Or he must like you... or paranoid... or .. whatever'.

This is how women or victims of any sort of violation think that they have caused it somehow for just going about their lives.

The comments- of, you numpty- you have misinterpreted this. Maybe he just likes you.

Really?

Come on. This is why victims of any sort feel reluctant to report. Because others say they must have caused it.

20 odd years ago I was raped by a colleague and reported it to the police. Of course it came out. The response was- even from women in my office; 'Well, what did you do'.?

A woman at my stepsons school when he was little (in 2004) used to give me death glares. Turns out she used to have a massive crush on my husband! Maybe this man knows you from somewhere but you don't know him. Maybe you did something to piss him off

Could he just have a resting bitch face? Have you looked to see how he looks at other people? I’d have to get close enough to say morning, if he says morning it could be RBF if he’s still giving you evils after you’ve spoke to him I’d be tempted to ask if everything is ok but if you don’t want to do that just ignore him, he isn’t part of your life other than seeing him on school run so don’t let it get to you

Yes, but also the suggestion that confrontation is in any way a good idea really puzzles me.

Maybe he is remembering what he needs to get for tea, it might not have anything to do with you

Don't know if this has been said but you can wear sunglasses to avoid eye contact with anyone.

@Frisps record every single incident. If you can, hold your phone up and video record him glaring at you. He’ll probably stop glaring at you because he won’t want video evidence of his intimidating behaviour. But at least if you do have video footage of him you have a way of identifying him. I also recommend getting a dash cam for your car. My dash cam still records for some time while parked.

Look after yourself and stay safe.

No, you didn't. Apologies that my post did not make this clear.

But in itself, the question 'have I done something to offend you' is implicitly taking that behaviour upon yourself. That isn't to say you're suggesting OP is to blame, at all, but in wording the question this way it implies you're taking his issue upon yourself. Same thing with 'what have I done wrong?' when it's someone else whose behaviour is 'off' with you - this can inadvertently put the 'off' person in the more powerful position giving them carte blanche to criticise you, when in fact they are the ones being an arse.

I guess what I'm trying to say - and making a real hash of phrasing it - is that when faced with these situations we should probably question that person's behaviour rather than our own in the first instance. And women very often don't do this. As one who's been through my female socialisation, I know it's a real effort not to immediately examine my own behaviour first and assume I must have invited the hostility somehow.

Were I going to challenge someone I'd make it very much more about 'what's your problem' - than 'are you reacting to something I've done?' Because we do use language differently from men. We often (I'm no exception) need to be much more assertive, however subtle the cue, at batting their shit firmly back in their direction.

Men don't even have to think about the defensive forms of language women use pretty much unconsciously, I think was the point I was making.

IKR.

If a man stares at you ignore him. As I said a zillion pages ago

I think the dash cam is a very good idea, as its useful anyway, and might help set your mind at rest. And its unobtrusive.
It clearly bothers you OP and you've listed so many occasions when its happened. Can you confide in another parent or a family/friend and ask them to look and see if they notice it too? If they do it might be time to see if they could video for you, so you'd have a chance to assess it rationally.
Its also not a bad idea for this person to see that you have people around you.

Is there something divisive about your appearance?
Are you an interracial or same sex couple? I had looks like that for both the above.

Sorry to hear that, Salad. If that were the case then the person in question has abhorrent views - another reason NOT to engage or challenge.