To have been pushed to my limit with this wedding

[Qualitystreet01]

My sister is getting married soon and my husband has been concerned about our small child who has special needs attending.
My sister has expressed that if we don’t bring DC she will never get over it as she adores DC.
My husband feels strongly that DC will struggle being at the wedding and he is concerned that it will be a very stressful weekend for us both.
I think DC will be ok, but I don’t think husband and I will particularly enjoy ourselves. I’m ok with that and I want to bring my DC to ensure there is peace in my family. I also have a new baby to think about as well.
I can’t manage bringing both DC on my own so I need to get my husband on board with us all going.
DH and sister spoke to try and get the situation sorted and the conversation didn’t go well.
She is now furious with me for letting it get to this point, she said I have caused her so much more stress with her wedding and I managed the communication extremely poorly.
Ive felt extremely stuck in the middle throughout this situation and im not sure what i could have done differently.
I’ve only given birth recently so my full capacity hasn’t been on the wedding. I’m worried this could cause a huge rift between us as there’s only so much I can take.

Would you care to elaborate ?

Your sister sounds like a spoilt brat and is not thinking of what is best for you or your child. Your dh is right to prioritise your child’s feelings and not be bullied by your sister. From what you’ve said, this is typical behaviour from her and not just a momentary case of being a bridezilla. Your family seems to accommodate her poor behaviour so it must feel difficult to stand up to her but now you have children of your own then you need to do what is best for you, your children and your husband. If neither parent thinks it’s a good idea then stick with your convictions.

She will get over it, she sounds a bit of a drama queen, do what's right for your family.

Your husband is right. You and he know your child better than anyone and he is making the right decision for your child.
Your Sister is a spoilt cow. It’s awful she’s putting you through all this stress especially as you have not long gave birth.
I think you are going to have to just bite the bullet and for once not put your Sisters wishes first.
You sound a gentle kind person who lets her walk all over you. Time to put your big girl Mum pants on and stand up for yourself and your family.
If you have to deal with a fall out then so be it.
Your little family come first now. Not your Sister.

tbh it makes no real difference to the outcome. OP said she wouldn't take DC given the choice, and DH doesn't think DC should go either. DH will be landed with looking after the DC at this stressful event.

OP already said the event isn't something either of them would really enjoy. OP can make the decision for herself to go, but she cannot make the decision for her DH. By the sound of it he doesn't want to go because the sister is an absolutely entitled enabled brat who has never ever had to even think about compromising on anything ever. In his shoes i wouldn't want to go either - especially not to her wedding where she is legit centre of attention and all the baggage that can bring with it on the day.

As pp said - if it were the DHs sister the answers here would be VERY different, i think, in most cases.

It’s not fair for your sister to be angry with you, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all about what she wants, she has zero empathy for your child or for you. Why should what she wants trump the needs of your child? Neither you nor your DH want to take your child, you’re their parents, you know best. Your sister is being very unreasonable. I’m team DH here.

Sorry to be harsh, but you have been conditioned to not upset your sister.. while your husband is thinking of your child’s needs. Your husband and children’s needs come way before your spoilt sister.

She wants your child there because it ticks a box for her perfect wedding. If she was really that fond of DC she would understand the issue completely. Of course she will get over it. Next time she, or anyone else in the family start that nonsense again shut it down straight away. Don’t be so silly sis, of course you will get over it. You know XX has special needs and will struggle to cope with the wedding. It’s really unkind of you to keep on at us, we have enough to deal with without all your nonsense.

It’s a wedding for goodness sake. Maybe take DC to the reception to see auntie and get some pictures? But make it a joint decision with your husband.
I suspect your sister is upset because unlike the rest of you, DH won’t take her nonsense and has told her straight.

I think more context is needed?
like is it just going to be a bit of pain to support your kid through an unusual event? Or is it like actually there health could be put at risk by attending?

the world won’t adjust to include people with additional needs unless the world experiences people with additional needs.

if some adjustments could be made to include your kid I think that’s best for them, how would you feel if your child was deliberately excluded because of their extra needs?

it might not be a great night out for you and your DH but it’s an important lesson to your kid that they are wanted and adjusted to.

that said your sister will prob spend five minutes with them on the day so your decision should not be made on what’s best for her

@Qualitystreet01 do you know exactly why she’s so desperate for your DC to be there?
If it’s for photos those can be recreated another time.
If it’s to prove to her friends what an amazing Auntie she is, she needs to back off.
I’d be tempted to go as instructed and if your child kicks off because they’re over stimulated etc that will be her choice.
You can only do so much to accommodate everyone else.
Is it possible that your child will cope ok and enjoy the day and being included?

She sounds a nightmare.
Some brides/grooms forget that people are coming to their wedding as guests, not serf...

Decide between yourselves (ie you and your husband) and then tell her your final decision. And make clear its not up for any further discussion.

Anyone else think the sister wants her niece there as a prop, 'look how great an Aunt I am, even on My Special Day'.

Sorry but who the fuck does your sister think she is? Your child isn’t a toy to be wheeled out at your DSis’ insistence. If she chooses not to get over the fact that your child with additional needs can’t attend her wedding then that’s her issue. It’s for you and your DH to make that decision and I think your DH gets the deciding vote as he will be doing most of the childcare on the day.

This. Your sister needs to get a grip!

I think more context is needed?
like is it just going to be a bit of pain to support your kid through an unusual event? Or is it like actually there health could be put at risk by attending?

i think no more context is needed. DH doesn't want DC to go. OP also doesn't really want DC to go. DH certainly can't be required or forced or blackmailed or anything else to go to the wedding of a woman he has no time for. Also Team DH here.

I agree with this. It is ONE day. One of the most important days of Dsis life.

I find most of the responses here so odd as usually people are so offended if children aren't invited. Why can't there be a compromise of your DC going (not taking a central role though if that will be too much), and if there is any sign of stress they leave with DH? Maybe your Sis genuinely wants your DC there on her special day

This!!

Your sister is a fucking drama queen - " my sister says she’ll never get over it" I mean I'm not one to do the normal mumsnet "at least your mother is alive when shes beating you physically" but for fucks sake, there are people dying out there in wars and famines and she'll never get over her dn not attending her wedding"?

And your mum (and family can fuck off too) . My Mum also thinks I must bring DC to make sure sister doesn’t get upset.

This.
Your sister is putting her wants over your child's needs. I'm with your DH, and (as a parent of an SEN child) would be telling her to get a ruddy grip.

If it was local then this would prob be fine, but hotels have been mentioned meaning it’s probably not that simple

I've said you're not being unreasonable, but it's also clear to me that your sister IS being unreasonable and not your DH. If she really cared about your child, she wouldn't want to put said child in a place that the child would/might find upsetting, and you and your SH are the best judges of that. She should just accept your and your DH's word for it that it's not right for the child.
When there was a family conflict in my family with a wedding, the bride visited the person who couldn't go, after the wedding, in her dress, so that person could see the bride in her finery. Could something like that be arranged? For the bride and groom to meet the child in a quiet place in such a way the child would find special but not intimidating?

I think you might have nailed it!

Because most families want the kids to be included.

I’d tell DH let’s get through this wedding together with dc, and then after the wedding when things are calmer, think about how to handle the situation with your sister, whether that means going low contact, or putting in very strong boundaries so she can’t order you about and blame everything on you.

I think a discussion with your parents is needed. Put it to them that if they loved their gc they would not want to cause them distress, and would listen you you as the parents. Your child is not a sacrificial lamb to be placed on your sister's altar, and if they can't cope with her blowing up uts on them.

Fwiw I was in a similar situation. Spent 20 years watching my mum pander to my sister and sacrificing my happiness on the way. I put up with it as I knew she was scared of her, plus I thought things would even out eventually.

They didn't, and when I had a child I realised her happiness was the next sacrifice, so I stepped back. There was a week when I cried myself to sleep every night, sobbed three times in front of my mother, but wasn't allowed to stand up for myself as "sister might be upset". The fact I was upset was irrelevant, as was the fact I still had nightmares about it 6 months later.

I stepped back then, and rarely speak to my mother now. She hurt me too many times over the years and I have to believe I'm worth more than that.

Lol, why are you pandering to your sister like this? She's getting married. Loads of people do it around the world every day. It doesn't give her the right to start blackmailing you with stupid demands. Do what's right for your family and your children.