To wonder what happened to Janet and is she ok?

[letsbepositive2024]

Trying to keep this concise and sort of lighthearted as it's weirding me out.

DH friend Dave was/is married to Janet. He met up with Dave for gigs etc as they have a shared music interest. Janet also went to gigs with them as did her best friend, Sally. I met Janet and Sally quite a few times and all very friendly.

Six months ago Dave and Janet suddenly split up due to his excessive drinking, apparently. He's now sober and came around last night, and introduced Sally as his girlfriend! We had a pleasant enough evening but I just wanted to ask 'where is Janet? Are you still friends with her Sally? Was this an affair? Does she know?

I know it's none of my business and DH doesn't know anything but it's like Janet never existed and that her and Sally were never bestfriends. Sally was talking away quite happily about their plans and future and they're moving in together, but no mention of Janet.

It's makes me want to shout JANET and see if she metaphorically appears.

She did exist as I met her!

Am I losing it? Is this weird? Should I ask?

I'm glad Janet is away from Dave though and I hope she is happy.
.

Hang on - there’s something I’m not sure about.

Did Janet move back with her parents and then Dave and Sally got together

or

Did Janet move back with her parents because Dave and Sally got together?

Actually my ex wasn’t anyone’s before me. However I had a fun few years in my youth, I have no shame in the sloppiness 🤣

Years ago I was friends with "Sally" and "John", and "Bob" and "Amelia". I only saw them occasionally at gigs, but the two couples were really friendly, to the point that they house shared for a few years.

I didn't see them for a while, the next time I saw them, Sally and Bob were a couple. I thought it was a bit odd, but these things happen. Then I bumped into John and Amelia, who were now also a couple.

They no longer shared a house, but the two couples had basically swapped partners and moved in to their own houses. As far as I know, 20 years later, both the 'new' couples are still together.

Glad to see your update re Janet . I would have wanted to know too .

Yes. It's friendship etiquette.

You don't date your best friends ex especially when the breakup is recent and painful.

You don't flirt with your friends' husbands or partners.
You don't disparage your friends behind their back to their husbands or partners.
You don't fuck your friends husbands or partners.

Can see what Sally's done wrong but whatever, hopefully Janet finds happiness.

These things happen and its never discussed. Friend had a baby by c section. A year later dad is married to someone new. When the baby is four, new wife posts on FB thank you for years of married bliss. Turns out they married when baby was two months old! Dates don't add to me but no one ever talks about how fast the friend met and married ( affair?) It's still the story of poor dad struggling on unhappy, wife left him and a long time later he met his new wife. I was WTAF when I found out they was married for so long. Again, new wife has replaced the mum like she never existed. I do feel it's unfair really like I'm going along with a lie when honesty who meets and marry within two months? I feel like I'm letting the woman down

I'd keep Sally away from your DH OP,I don't want to see a thread on here in the future titled 'I wonder what happened to @letsbepositive2024 🤣

If by weird, you mean unusual, then no. In my experience it's the most common way for things to progress after a break up/affair. The person who is the primary friend (in this case Dave) simply substitutes his old partner for his new, and after a possible period of awkwardness, unless the new partner is awful, Sally becomes the new Janet to his friendship group.
That's why I find it so odd when people believe that those who have affairs are shunned. I think this is very rare indeed.
If you ask after Janet you will likely be met with some story (possibly exaggerated if there was an affair) that discredits her and it will be awkward if you liked her.

Ask DH to ask him when Sally isn't around like "what happened mate? It was a bit awkward when you just showed up with Sally and we didn't know what to say...."

Are you sure you're really a woman?

Yep, this.

This sounds too much like some of my true crime programmes, such as Burried in the Backyard or How I Caught the Killer....

Is there any statute of limitations on this? If the couple broke up in 1996 would it be permissible to date one of them? Or does this rule last forever?

I'd just ask.... glad you and Sally are happy, do you guys still speak to Janet?

Hahhaha

I'm singing it too now

Are you desperately seeking Susan?

Thanks for the update.
Good luck to Janet.

I too am a Janet, to some extent. No affair, but my EXH and exBF are now living together in our old house.

I wish I could disappear off the radar simply for the reason that every time I see “Sally” I want to smash her face in. And I’m not a violent person 😔

The mutual friends have all gone that way, and yes it very very hurtful, but they obviously weren’t real friends in the first place.

Or Nigel Farage! Lol

Well, it’s etiquette - not a criminal offence.

But if I was a bystander to all this, I’d certainly be questioning Sally’s judgement.

I’d also be questioning her integrity due to the short period of time between relationships. There may be an innocent explanation, of course, but it certainly would be a very naive person who didn’t think there may have been an overlap.

If it was 1 year, 2 years afterwards? Possibly would look very different. So the length of time does matter, and how much water had gone under the bridge.

But that’s just how things are. You may think there’s no law against it, but there’s lots of things that aren’t illegal that can affect how liked someone is.

Look at people on autism spectrum- if there were no ‘laws’ governing social interaction, they’d possibly find life much easier. The difficulties they face show we do have lots of ‘laws’ governing our behaviour in relationships.

Thanks for the update.
Janet is best off out of it and Sally is a terrible friend.
Sally will probably realise he is a dickhead in time.

Onward and upward Janet

OP i think you should send Janet a nice message to say you gather she’s broken up with Dave, that she seems well out of it and you wish her all the best with her move.

when you’re in the Janet role it’s very validating if someone bothers to do this.

men get away with shit behaviour by not being called out on it (which your DH should do) and by the women they treat crappily not being supported and validated that it was the guy that was a shit.