To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

You are right, you can’t change him.
You can only change your response to him and I think you are realising that you can’t keep on as you are.
You have received good advice about savings and paperwork.
Good luck with the solicitors 💐

I can’t believe he behaved like that in a real family emergency. I’m raging for you! What a useless piece of shit!

I had to revisit this thread as it's been on my mind. How can a man a father be so absolutely selfish? So lacking as a human that he'd watch his child fitting, yet do nothing? I simply can't imagine it.

It's scary to think he doesn't have that most basic instinct of nurturing one's own genetic legacy. He does sound profoundly mentally unbalanced- these surely are not "normal" levels of male inadequacy? Or maybe they are. Maybe more men than we - I - imagine, could behave like that.

OP this man does seem to have such low levels of empathy and engagement with those he "loves", that might make him unsafe for your DC to be around. What if you'd not been there? Can he actually manage as a father alone?

I am so angry with him! I hope you do end the relationship because I want him to realise the consequences of utter selfishness! And also I think he's no partner in life, not in anyway good enough for a woman who can and did step up and help her DC like you did.

Ah he's soooo useless! Youngest up all night, 1, 3, 5am. I'm so tired and coughing like crazy. It's not even a question that he would EVER get up. It has been this way for a couple of years.

I asked him to watch the 1 year old for 15 mins this morning so I can have a shower and he went back to bed and let DC1 walk into other DC bedroom shouting "mummy" so now they're both awake and needing me... and DH getting ready for work. I'm so tired. I just keep thinking "pretend he doesn't exist" as everytime I ask for help it ends in frustration and disappointment.

I'm going to set up the bed in the spare room and just go there at 9pm tonight. I think I'm going to say I'll sleep in there until I stop coughing and then never come back to our bed. I think that will help.

He's just been telling me @TealSapphire about the way viruses affect men differently because of "biology". 😂

My God, OP, your DH is one of the biggest jerks I've ever heard of. Poor you and children 😒

What do you want OP? Are you at the point where you think no I've had enough or do you want him to change?
Personally I would write down what you are feeling - how useless he is, how he laid on the sofa whilst your child was in peril and did nothing to help and how disgusted it makes you feel about him. How you are completely uninterested in how poorly he wad feeling because its all BS. then give him the chance to shape up or ship out.... or just ship him out. Don't suffer in silence, don't keep the peace until you explode and kick him out. He's not helping anyway and let's face it, if you upset him with your words then it's largely irrelevant because who cares about the opinion of someone so utterly useless and selfish.

Write it and ask him to read it and finish it with you don't want a response- you are past excuses and reasons. He changes or its over.

@LadyLolaRuben that's interesting. I wouldn't have thought my ex was a narcissist as he was not a showy 'centre of attention ' type of person but he did bring everything back to him. Poor eight year old DS had a nasty injury on his leg that needed stitches. At the hospital ex just banged on about how HE'D had more stitches in the past.

He also ruined so many days out eg family celebrations. He'd pick fights with the kids to the point of him screaming at them and getting them so upset. Then when we'd get there he would be happy as Larry while me and the kids were still unsettled.

Every situation he had to have his way and often I gave in as it was over inconsequential things. With the kids he worked hard to undermine me. He was also obsessed with people thinking he was a good guy.

Mine and OP's husbands are scarily similar!

I studied virology
I must've missed that class

Tho actually some studies have indicated the male immune response to flu is stronger, which would make their symptoms worse...

But let's not let that get out!

Oh god OP. I hope you tell this all/ note it all down to your solicitor. Can you pack his bag and kick him out?

This was in the news a bit over COVID. As to why women had long COVID more, but men had a moderately higher mortality rate. Something about how women handle inflammatory responses better/ just get on with stuff despite being in the same level of pain etc.

Oh OP this makes me so sad for you. It reminds me of my own useless and selfish ex, when my mum collapsed with a massive heart attack outside our house. I was on the pavement next to my mum doing all I could to help her, whilst on the phone to emergency services and I asked him to go and get our baby from the house and hold her and he refused as he was ‘too upset’ (basically just standing there watching). In the meantime our crawling baby managed to pull down some christmas lights and wrap them round her neck, luckily not tightly, but it meant I had to leave my mum lying on the ground outside whilst I went to fetch her whilst he just stood there. By the time the ambulance arrived I had also managed to call a friend to come and get my daughter from me so that I could go with my mum to the hospital. My mum died later that day and between christmas and new year he took my spare key to her house, let himself in and drank all of the booze she had bought in for over christmas. Selfish, selfish man. It still took me several more years and another child to realise what he was like, and to get the courage to leave him, I was a naive young woman in her mid twenties back then with no parent to turn to, and I’m now a tough old boot heading for fifty, so I can look back and reflect a bit better now. Many years of his selfish behaviour now mean that our now adult daughters are also NC with him.

OP please please have a really good look at where you are now and ask yourself if you still want to be there in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, for the rest of your life? You and your children deserve so
much better; being a single parent isn’t easy but you have to ask yourself if it’s worth the alternative of staying with this man, who has shown you that he will always put himself first, even above his children.

Throw the idiot out!

I wonder if being a useless dumbfuck is also biological. I'm embarrassed for him.

I just keep thinking "pretend he doesn't exist" as everytime I ask for help it ends in frustration and disappointment.

He's trained you well. You will no longer inconvenience him and he can do what he likes, when he likes. Show him that he didn't cover all the abusive man's manual as he missed the chapter about not going too far and in front of witnesses (the paramedics). Divorce that pathetic excuse of a human being, and moving to a different bedroom is a very good start. If kids are ill tonight just dump them in bed next to him. Even if he doesn't look after the child you've at least disturbed his sleep. I am so angry on your behalf.

He can't be in the wrong and a million excuses for his behaviour, he's never going to get better @MoaningMartyr . He won't accept the divorce Op, how can he when he thinks he's never in the wrong. Bide your time and get everything in place before you tell him

Op your h sounds very like my xh. Google covert narcissist.

Just a warning. My divorce was awful. As soon as I ended our marriage, he went in to full rage mode. Now though, I live every day thrilled that I don't have to deal with him any more. My only regret is that I took so long to start the divorce.

Good luck.

Oh. My. God

My god, he's vile, so sorry OP. PLEASE get things sorted so you can leave (or get him to leave( ASAP.

@Daftapath oh i fear this a lot. the rage. i've already got a bit of that rage this morning as i'm not spending time asking him how he is, got a very sarcastic "BYE THEN" and door slam this morning. He is actually mad with me at the moment as he's feeling ignored. He's not even slightly sorry, he's expecting ME to be sorry for not giving him enough attention. I was cuddling the one year old and he even said 'Ah so you're capable of sympathy then?'

there is not one part of me that think he will act like a grown up for the sake of the kids. it is both the reason i don't want to do it and also the reason i feel i must do it!

Every man I know acts like they are dying when they have the exact same virus their partner has while she continues keeping the show going. It boils the blood of every woman I know, especially when you overhear one of these men telling a friend/relative/their Mother "yeah, she had it, but only a light case - nowhere near as bad as me". 😡

Start a journal and keep these rages in them. It helps to go back and realise it really is that bad as you subconsciously minimise them as a way to protect your sanity.

If it helps my stbxh had similar rages, would stand over me shouting etc, but has been okay with the divorce decision. Maybe because I framed it as we are both unhappy, that he will be better off, that he would have time for hobbies instead of house maintenance. Yep, pander, soothe and praise that ego as you slowly inch towards freedom.

DH and I had a virus just after new year. I got it first and he began to get symptoms a couple of days letter. I spent the first 2 days in bed but when DH started to feel ill I offered him a day in bed and I'd watch DSD. He said he was fine just lying on the house with her watching TV. The next day his symptoms were worse and I literally had to convince him to just stay in bed and I'd look after DSD. He kept saying "but you're sick too, just you stay in bed".

Was the same when we had COVID. My symptoms were much worse than his and he manned the fort and ran about after me.

Not going to lie, he does go on about it when he's sick but I'll give him his due, he plays fair and doesn't just abandon ship and leave me too it.

@Tilllly Tho actually some studies have indicated the male immune response to flu is stronger, which would make their symptoms worse...

But let's not let that get out! I am pretty sure that all the researchers involved in those studies were males!!! 🤔

DH is pretty stoic when ill and doesn't like a fuss made. He's never had "man-flu"