To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

I just find it hard to respect someone who "can't handle it" when their kid is convulsing on the floor, their wife is trying to shout out the postcode on the phone over tears from the one year old, and his response is to shut his eyes

This is not just your garden variety laziness but it’s a frightening display of a complete lack of empathy. I don’t have kids but I was staying at a friends house, a couple who have 2 small kids (2 and 4). In the middle of the night the 2 year old fell sick, so the Dad immediately got up to take the kid to the nearest hospital, the wife stayed at home with the older toddler so I came along and sat with the baby in the back of the car while we drove to A&E.

It didn’t cross my mind to just not care or close my eyes and let them take care of it, despite the fact it was in the middle of the night and I was suffering severe cramps and fatigue as my periods had just started. For context, I’ve been taken to hospital on previous occasions because of my cramps before and have a very heavy blood flow which leaves me iron deficient and fatigued so I get it very bad.

But my priority was making sure the 2 year old was Ok and supporting their parents by trying to alleviate some of their burden in any small way I could . He has shown a complete disregard of both your kids as well as you.

It’s utterly chilling and terrifying your husband didn’t care enough to try and keep his eyes open and pitch in even when it was his own flesh and blood.

Why on earth would you ever stay with him. What does he actually contribute to your life besides embarrassment?

He isn't a competent parent. Don't let him have the kids and I guarantee he will not bother taking you to court for them and you'll save them all the heartbreak of having to learn slowly how little their father cares about them.

My son has frequent febrile seizures too. My boyfriend, not my sons father, would and has dropped everything to look after us when we've had to go to hospital. Even my abusive ex husband who threatened to kill me actually gives a shit about his son having seizures.

I cannot believe what I'm reading, OP! I would END him - lounging around on the couch "being poorly" when his child need 999 assistance?

If I was bleeding out I would still pull it together for my child, ffs. Any decent parent would.

All strength to you. I hope you kick this petty, self-absorbed malingerer to the kerb.

You've already proved you can do it on your own.

I had a partner like this 13 years I put up with his shit. Now I'm much much happier the kids are happier

This is a shocking read, I'm so sorry OP.

If your child had convulsed in public, I'm pretty certain anyone walking past would have helped you. Yet their father can't.

You saw red flags previously but let them go as those flaws weren't critical but with having children, they are now.

It's his character, you're right you can't change him. As you day, he's like it with work etc.

I used to know someone who behaved like this - self centred, dismissive, thought people crying was a manipulation technique. I was pretty certain this person was a narcissist.

A key sign of a narcissist is that they steal peoples thunder and divert attention from other people to themselves e.g. ruin birthdays/special occasions etc. Does your H do this?

Sweet God, I'm not easily shocked but that's atrocious. I'm so glad you've made the decision to leave this miserable excuse for a man. Your life is about to get so much better, believe me.

What an absolute waste of space this man is. Please OP take all the advice you've had on here and leave his sorry arse. Your poor kids with a dad who doesn't give a shit about them even in life threatening situations. He's a POS

@LadyLolaRuben I sometimes think he has narcissistic tendencies. He certainly finds it hard for the attention to be on me - struggles on my birthdays. He is also very awkward though in some social situations and insecure. He's not the big showman at all. He got v angry at me recently as we went for dinner with some of my old school friends and they are all quite confident, and he became almost mute the entire evening. I kept trying to bring him into conversation as knew he was finding it hard and he absolutely bollocked me on the way home "u know what you were doing, trying to include me in your pretentious conversations, making me look like an idiot" etc etc. So he's definitely not Mr confident or anything.

He's come home tonight full of energy and being very overly affectionate with kids. Nothing for me but making a big fuss over them.

Gosh, he's recovered well...

I never say LTB but it is a definite LTB situation. My son convulsed due to high temp and we were all unwell- my DH ran down the stairs when i called him for support and nearly out the door half naked to flag down the ambulance. I could never forgive my husband if he didn't step up in this situation. Its natural to get adrenaline in this situation and find some energy.

I’m disgusted reading this. Unless you are literally on deaths door, or actually death itself you would step up in that situation. And he obviously wasn’t if he’s back in work! He felt worse than you? No he didn’t! You just had to get on with it because that’s what parents do. Hope you and the 2 kids are feeling better.

OP you had lost sight of how you deserve a partner to behave towards you and the kids. No decent partner and father would do the things you have written. I feel so sad for you but also really hopeful because however hard it will be splitting up now, the outcome is a much happier and healthier future for you with someone who values you and your kids. A good step parent would behave better than your DH has.

He has just shown you that he doesn't give 2 fucks about his own children, he couldn't be arsed to phone 999 . How much louder to you need him to shout it ?

What a useless dickhead he is. I hope you and your kids are okay

He's had a relaxing couple of days in bed. Of course he's full of energy.

It can’t be true regret or guilt otherwise he’d apologise. It sounds like he’s just doing it to try to win the children over.
He sounds awful. I hope you leave him soon.

Had you not attempted to bring him into the conversation he may have complained he felt excluded. It's all about him OP.

I'd get the MN ducks in a row and then tell him you can do without him. I can't see a way back for you from this x

Thank you everyone. God my brain is a mess. Struggling to sleep. He started telling me how nice it was to be back at work after 4 tough days in bed. He also said at one point - "I probably didn't make enough of a fuss over you three when you got back from A&E but I was feeling ill still and also you were back at a reasonable hour so can't have been that bad or busy". He keeps saying "so nice to start getting back to normal. What a rough start to the year". Feels surreal. Its about to get a lot rougher.

Im glad you and the kids are on the mend and well done, managing poorly kids whilst feeling shit is the worst.
As for your husband, any love or respect I had would have drained away as he lay on the sofa whilst our child was so sick.
Take your time, decide what you want to do and make plans, because Im not sure how you come back from that, especially when he's trying to excuse how pathetic he was.

Oh bless him, he has no idea what rough is yet does he?!

What a selfish shithouse!! Did you give him any kind of response? I would struggle to do anything above a filthy look and a "kids are hungry, I am going to bed".

Um... OP... Could he have found/found out about this thread?

The wrong man can teach you can do it all by yourself the right man knows you can but won't let you

That's the difference Op. I was married to a man who sounds very similar to your husband. We are divorced now

The mind boggles. I actually can't get my head around him lying on the sofa not even making a phone call, back to work the next day. Incredibly selfish, useless man. He is a drain on you.

@MoaningMartyr your H sounds just like my ex. He was always the sickest and even said that viruses 'mutate' inside him making his symptoms so much worse.

And if he didn't happen to be sick at the same time as us then he had definitely been much sicker in the past so we should just suck it up.

Oh he also lied constantly about injuries and diagnoses that were complete fabrications to get sympathy from friends and family.