To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

Oh us women are so lucky that we don’t get ‘man flu’ and instead contract a lesser version that still enables us to cook and look after children 🙄.

This reminds me of when dd2 was a newborn and went limp and grey and was really struggling to breathe. I was standing in my bedroom, absolutely hysterical whilst on the phone to 999 and holding my limp baby in my arms.

Her father appeared in the doorway and just stood there looking at us. I screamed at him that the baby can’t breathe and I think she’s dying. He just stood there staring and then calmly said “I’m going to the shop, do you want anything?”, and turned and walked off.

Aaaaanyway, turned out he was an actual psychopath and luckily he’s not been anywhere near us since dd was 1. I’ve been a single parent since then and now mine are teens but that was the absolute worst part of being a single parent with young kids, having to carry on when you’re ill. Lucky for your partner that he gets to opt out of that isn’t it? What a dick.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Quite possibly, I don't recall that much detail

I'm speaking to a solicitor tomorrow afternoon. It's only a 30 min thing but it's a start. It feels v drastic but my gut is telling me if I don't start now, ill be back on MN in 6/12/24 months time with new threads about horrible things he's done. I've tried to think of some questions but really the only one that matters is - what happens if I think he's a risk to my kids and I have to hand them over to him for half the week? Do I have any way to stop that? Because if the answer is no - then I don't know if I can go through with it.

@SENwoes

Her father appeared in the doorway and just stood there looking at us. I screamed at him that the baby can’t breathe and I think she’s dying. He just stood there staring and then calmly said “I’m going to the shop, do you want anything?”, and turned and walked off.

Oh my Gosh! That's very scary behaviour. I'm glad he's an Ex. 🌹

@MoaningMartyr considering he did nothing when your child was having a seizure do you really think he would have the children at all? You know, having to actually buy food and cook it, then having to wash up, get the kids bathed and put to bed? Both of them. By himself?

EDIT - How much does he actually do right now, without you helping or guiding? Do you ever go out by yourself?

Like a pp I would suggest you look up the traits of a covert narcissist as he sounds very much like my ex. It was hell getting divorced because he thought all our money should be his but despite that it was worth it because I no longer have to deal with his awful selfish self involved behaviour.

So sorry you are going through this, but I think you know there is no going back, you have seen this man's true colours, he will never be a good partner to you and you are not a team. He is only focused on his needs. So time to get organised and start planning for your future with your little ones. You no longer have to think about pandering to him any more which is a truly great thing.
Good luck with the solicitor today. It takes a lot of courage to start the process, but remember if things feel overwhelming, you can choose your own pace, and do whatever is manageable. Just take one day at a time and focus on what you need to do to move forward towards making your exit. Just by taking this first step you are showing that you value yourself and you are doing something positive to make a happier future for you and you kids. In a crisis you showed how strong you are. You are worth more than this. You can do this. And all the women who also deserve more are standing right behind you.

How a person behaves in that situation reveals a lot about their character. Your man sounds like a good egg.

Do you think he will be that bothered about seeing them OP? Given his lackadaisical parenting I find it doubtful. Speak to the solicitor about your fears over his capabilities with the children and see what they advise.

He won't want the kids 50/50. Instead he will hardly see them but tell everyone that you are blocking him from seeing them.

No effort involved and he gets to play the victim.

Actually being a parent 50% of the time would be too much work.

Spoke to solicitor (free, through a friend). He said he'd advice selling the house to ensure clean break and that men like my H have a way of drawing out problems/coming back. So sell house, split things equally, and "rebuild" as he put it.

To do with kids - he said put forward what I think is best for them, use a mediator, if he is acting in a way that puts them at risk refuse access and let him take you to court.

He was very "this is going to hurt" but you need total/ court ordered split- do not consider nesting/selling house later etc - just take whatever equity/pension you can and get out of there.

I am so tired. Can't think straight.

@MoaningMartyr I was thinking about you this afternoon. What an awful situation.

Have you got family and friends local to you who know what’s going on?

Wow, had no idea solicitors could be that blunt!

Did it help, though, to hear it from a 3rd party that clearly?

@Caerulea he was a friend of a friend so maybe more informal! There was plenty of other more standard advice in there. He didn't ever say it sounded like my kids were at risk, but that if I thought they were I must always act. He was very "you know what's best for your kids".

@CalMeKate no. Not really. A trusted colleague but none of my friends.

I would like to second the advice you have received.

I divorced mine, after DC were grown. Ex refused to co-operate - he wouldn't even supply his financial details to my sol when she requested them from him. I ended up having to take him to court.

As soon as I filed for divorce, my long-term depression lifted, and Ex immediately turned (even) nastier. Yes, it was a very stressful time - it took a whole year to get to the end of it. But I rose to the challenge, and was rewarded with freedom.

The Legal Queen has lots of podcasts with free advice and guidance regarding divorce.

Tea with the Queen Podcast

I'm a lawyer, that sounds like sensible advice to me.

Clean break is best most of the time.

@MoaningMartyr

He was very "this is going to hurt" but you need total/ court ordered split- do not consider nesting/selling house later etc - just take whatever equity/pension you can and get out of there.

Excellent and very clear advice.

Hang on in there OP. 🌹

What a hideous man, glad you're taking steps. This time will be exhausting in all ways, make sure you get time out of home, take plenty of little opportunities for rest, get support and KEEP GOING.

Struggling today. The atmosphere between us is awful. And I still feel so unwell and tired. I just can't shake it - coughing the whole time, the kids are awake at night a lot, work is intense. And every interaction is horrible and spikey. And I've got this horrible brain fog like i can't think straight.

He's still waiting for you to apologise for not be sympathetic when he was so ill. Let him get on with it and ignore him

Start getting any paperwork out of the house.. If he will somehow withhold cash get cash back at supermarkets.. Many years ago lack of funds kept me with dh too long...

@MoaningMartyr

I'm going to set up the bed in the spare room and just go there at 9pm tonight. I think I'm going to say I'll sleep in there until I stop coughing and then never come back to our bed. I think that will help.

Good plan OP. Just before you settle down to sleep, go into the notes section in your phone and do a brain dump (in any order or in no order) to get stuff out of your head and stop things whirling around in your brain. If there's the slightest possibility he knows your pincode change it to something he won't be able to guess (eg something date related at work) and never leave your phone unlocked when it's not in your hands. Turn off any reminder/notifications which might give him a clue how you are thinking from now on. If your phone is synched with any other device he has access to, unsynch it.

Then do some deep slow yoga breathing exercises (google these) and consciously relax your body whilst you are doing so. Envisioning helps too- see your safe place which you are working towards. In your case your new calm, quiet home with no tension in the air perhaps? These should, with practice, relax you enough to enable you to get some decent sleep and refresh you for the next day. I did something similar when I had oral biopsies taken and they were helpful in calming me down. Good luck. 🌹

You are not well so why haven't you signed yourself off sick? If you continue to fight through this illness without rest you run the risk of long term health problems, especially since you are under extreme stress. Nothing is worth that, trust me, especially since you could end up trapped and at his mercy for life. Rest, recuperate, plan.