To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

He's a crap father if he can't put the welfare of his children and wife before himself.

Are there really men like this who jump in the lifeboat first. No wonder you feel resentment.

So sorry OP. Hope your little ones soon better x

Oh OP. You are not in any way at fault here. I doubt very much that it's as simple as 'your standards are below the floor,' it's just when life is busy you can overlook the lack of support and tell yourself it's not that bad. But when an emergency occurs and he still does not step up, not even in front of others, that is STARK. It can't be ignored or brushed off anymore.

I personally wouldn't bother to talk to him about this - you know yourself already what his response will be. I'm heartened to read you're taking steps to disentangle yourself from him - well bloody done 👏

Tbh I strongly suspect the 'fallout' from you ending the marriage won't be as big as you expect. And I can only see your life being better without him in it, honestly. It's win-win for you and your kids. Keep going OP, you are already far stronger than you realise.

In lockdown our whole household caught covid (2 adults 2 kids) me and DP had it really bad and eventually ended up in hospital, to the point we couldn't eat/drink/move/talk/stay conscious for long, not exaggerating it was that bad! Eldest had it a lot milder and took care of themselves, 2yo at the time was fairly lethargic/sleepy but otherwise well in themselves so happy to sit in front of the tv all day which was amazing as me and DP were practically comatose for 10 days. Neither of us could barely walk, we fainted/collapsed a couple of times, we had no appetite to eat/drink which obviously made us weaker and even when we did have to do something we were crawling across the floor to the kitchen and managing to make a bare minimum meal (toast, sandwich etc) feed dogs/cat etc. Had anything happened like your situation no matter how bad I'd felt (at deaths door literally) I would have sprung into action for the sake of my child and I would have expected no different from my DP.

Your DH should be utterly ashamed of his behaviour, if you have the means to leave him I wouldn't hesitate.

Sounds like he was knocking on death's door. But conveniently lived to see another day.

How did the sight of his own child convulsing not get him going? He clearly lacks the normal levels of human adrenaline.

Of course he's gone to work Op, he promised you a day in bed but that would mean him looking after the DC. Yes, there will be a massive fall out when he finds out you're divorcing him but it will be worth it, he'll never admit he neglects you all but he does and he won't get any better, it's all about him

I was going to say find your anger and give him a bollocking, but having given it further thought he isn’t worth the energy.

He isn’t a good partner, he isn’t a good father and he isn’t a good man.

Dont worry too much about him not being reliable when he’s looking after your DC. From what you’ve said he’s not going to be doing 50:50. He might have them EOW but not for overnight as there’s no way he’ll be able to manage. He hid under a blanket when his child was fitting. He is too selfish to parent.

No matter how big or small the fallout is, it's temporary. Once it's done, it's done & you can just live your life. For the kids, this is just a small blip in their lives & they'll barely remember it if at all. This way, they also won't have to remember a dad who acted like they & you didn't matter.

It will always feel worse being alone IN a relationship than actually being on your own with your small people.

Good luck OP, learn your value & be proud of yourself for putting you & your children first xx

I've emailed a couple of solicitors. And started to scribble down the finances. The fall out is going to be huge if I do this. Feels terrifying.

Well done OP. I mean that. Keep telling yourself "short term pain for long term gain" then break everything down into small chunks so it's more manageable.

Get copies of his bank statements, savings, pensions etc. Most are online now unfortunately but try and remember the companies so your solicitor can hopefully request the statements. Also copies of mortgage statements.

You will need your marriage and birth certificates, so keep those safe with the passports.

Remove any joint savings into your own. Not half but all. His solicitor can request you give him half back but keep it until that happens. You might need it to feed or house the children.

Look on rightmove to see what your various options are. Mess around with different locations to see the difference in prices. Accept your material standards will be lower for now but that is the price of freedom from abuse. Worth every single penny imo.

The most important thing here is that you show your children what you, and they, are worth.

Don’t bring them up tolerating a man who shows such careless disregard for their lives. Because that’s what’s happened here. He gave no shits when they were in danger with a medical emergency, and put himself first. What does that show them?

What a self-centred arsehole. Me and DH had a virus that sound similar to yours just after new year. I was ill first then DH got it 2 days later. It sounds similar to your symptoms. My temperature was through the roof and I was in bed for 2 days straight and DH looked after my 5yo DSD. When DH started getting symptoms I let him stay in bed and I got up to look after DSD. I felt absolutely terrible. Everything was struggle, even reaching to pick up my water bottle was an effort. My head was pounding and I felt constantly sick.

After DHs couple of days in bed we just managed between the two of us, both still feeling absolutely terrible. I would have much rather been in my bed but when you have kids you just have to get on with it.

I can't believe anyone can be so ill that they can walk down stairs but can't care less about their kid having a seizure. Shocking!

Much better for the children to divorce while they're still so young. They'll hardly remember it happening when they're older.

Yep, this. Was thinking the very same.

If he is that ill he cannot drag himself up for fitting child and 999 call, he needs to go to hospital.

I hope you're feeling ok today and have had a few minutes to yourself at least. I can't possibly tell you your life will be better if you leave, I've never been in your shoes. Others here have though and that's what you're being told loud and clear.

What I will say though is that I grew up in a house where mum did EVERYTHING. Cleaning, cooking, tidying, childcare, DIY, the works. Even now when they're both retired, dad asks her if he's got any clean shirts/underwear. He cooks a token once per week but god forbid he clears it up. I watched love die and lost any respect for him as a person-and a but for my mum too, for letting it happen. Is that what you are happy to let your children witness as they get older? Their mum despising their father while she does everything round the house while dad sits and plays on his phone? Suppose your younger dc had been 9/10 in this situation, he'd have seen his dad completely check out of parenting. What example will that set for the rest of his life? But only you can know whether divorce and a new life will be worth it. Good luck 💐

I’d be past resentment and feel utter RAGE op. I’d quite literally expect them to be at the point of passing out before they sat there and did nothing

Unless you found him dead after coming home from A&E - none of this was or is acceptable!

In all my MN years, I've read some awful threads about male partners/husbands and their abusive, childish behaviours but this one is the worst I've ever read. OP, after reading all your updates, I feel utterly heartbroken for you and for your lovely children.

Please, please find the strength to kick him out/leave him no matter what the fallout will be. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of the sulking, the ignoring, the shouting, the mental trauma, quite frankly the abuse but when I confronted the bully and challenged him rather than tolerating his behaviour, he whimpered away like the useless piece of shit he always was. Dig deep and hold on tight for your children.

I hope you have friends/family to rely on IRL to help get you and your children through this.

I would have to be at deaths door or even unconscious not to help a convulsing stranger, never mind my own child.

This is unforgivable and I don't think there is any way back from this, you'll never be able to look at him the same again.

Well done for getting in touch with solicitors already. I think it's really the only course of action you can now take in this situation, especially given how he seems to think it wasn't a big deal and has been well enough to go to work today.

I know it might be hard to go through the process of separation but just remember it's his disgusting behaviour that's caused it.

Op the fall out will be worse if you stay. You'll have wasted your best years with your kids dragging this millstone around with you. He's an absolute loser and no role model for your children.

You and your kids deserve so much better than him.

It’s a child who is very poorly, makes no difference whose child it is or however sick I was I would crawl on my hands and knees if I had to to help the wee one and call for an ambulance.

The only time ever I would not have been able to physically help was when I was sick myself and could not literally move and had to call and have medical assistance myself….your husband just has man flu and laziness and completely and utter lack of compassion 🤬 He would no longer be my husband.

Be brave you can do this! You just coped with two very poorly children alone as it is, things don’t get much harder than that.

I agree, one of the worst things I have ever read too, who doesn’t help a sick child?

@MoaningMartyr

If we do talk about it he will get v angry and say he was extremely unwell and I was managing it all anyway. And it's just like me to make someone feel guilty and awful for being ill. And he will shout and storm about and then sulk.

Oh dear - what a shame you and your children have to share any air with this man. 🌹

@MoaningMartyr

I've emailed a couple of solicitors. And started to scribble down the finances. The fall out is going to be huge if I do this. Feels terrifying.

Just remember to nail down your finances before you let/make him aware that you are divorcing (if that's the decision you make). You'd be surprised that many angry Ex's clear out the bank account when the relationship founders, uncaring that their children are affected as well as their outgoing spouses.

So, ensure he has no access/password to your own solo bank accounts. If you don't have your own account open one ASAP. You should be able to do this online. Take at least 50% out of any joint bank/savings account and transfer it into your own account(s). Change your password/pincodes to your devices and ensure your devices don't synch with his.

Good luck OP - you and your children deserve a better future. 🌹