To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

You know the worst thing?

When you tell him you want a divorce he will be, genuinely, blindsided. As far as he is concerned everything is fine (ie, he is happy) so why on earth are you leaving him? He really will NOT get it.

And as for him catching you off guard earlier, well thats understandable. Its easier to fall back into old patterns than it is to stick to the new ones sometimes. But think of it this way, does a glass of wine and a curry make your kids feel better? Does it make the terrified toddler cry less when he saw his sibling having a fit? Did it make the fitting child better? Does it take away his bullying and self pitying aimed at the kids? Has it healed the hurt and anger and terror he caused you that night? Has it made you love him again?

No, thought not.

I fully expect to be public enemy number one

Much easier to be public enemy number one in the peace and quiet of your own home, than lying in bed next to somebody who thinks that.

Keep going. It will be a shitshow for a while, and he won't be any easier as an ex husband than he is as a husband, but that's no reason to stay. He's never ever going to make your life easy. Basically, unless you put up and shut up and turn a blind eye to what feels very wrong to you for the rest of your life, you're going to have to bite the bullet at some point, and the younger the kids are the better IMO. Gather what you need, keep your cards very close to your chest and prepare for all the tactics to come out in turn, and some you've not even thought of.

It will be worth it.

Yeah, my mum has warned me off the "single mum" life a few times. She put up with a sulky difficult husband her whole life (my dad) so why shouldn't I?

H was just on the phone to HIS mother relaying the story of the seizure and hospital trip. I could tell she was gently suggesting it was quite a lot for me to look after 2 x tiny kids, one who was having a seizure, and get them both to A&E by myself and he was saying "nah I was so ill mum and she was only with them in hospital for 6 hours or so, wasn't overnight or anything" and his mum is going "ah well poor love you must have been so poorly". He could tell her he was a murderer and she'd be like "oh love you must have had your reasons".

I don't know why I keep posting. I've nothing else to say really. Just thuis thread makes me feel less alone with it and also holding me to account and reminding me of why I must leave

Night x

God, he's such a dick. What are you doing this weekend? Going out for 6 hours or so I hope, since it's no big deal

I don't know why I keep posting. I've nothing else to say really. Just thuis thread makes me feel less alone

That's one of the very important things about MN - you are NOT alone

You are definitely not alone. In relationship circumstances such as yours, mothers tend to make allowances for their sons, I'm afraid, allowances that aren't justified My MIL did - mind you, I didn't let her know the whole truth of the matter, out of shame Even if I had, I don't think she would have believed me. (She died well before I had enough money to escape by divorcing her son.)

Please do keep posting @MoaningMartyr

I've read all your posts, OP. I think you're doing bloody brilliantly.

This man (I won't refer to him as your DH, as he won't have that honour and privilege for much longer) failed so spectacularly at such a crucial moment. He's a grade A twat. From where I'm standing he's wrecked his life - you were the best thing that has ever happened to this idiot man-child.

Your children will be so much better off with you separated from him. Anyone, even your own mother, who seeks to criticise your decision to separate should be made to read your account of his refusal to help his gravely ill child. If they still have a problem with your decision they can piss right off!

Stay strong, OP, your future self will thank you so much for what you are about to do.

Woke up last night at 4am with him crashing about having stayed up drinking beer playing video games. Don't expect him to be up till this afternoon and then he'll complain about feeling groggy and tired all day. I really married a Prince eh!!

I am sorry you are living like this, I would not have the patience and would have asked him to leave ages ago

@MoaningMartyr you have a plan, stick to it. The best thing you can do for you and your kids is get rid of this excuse of a man.
When he acts like that he's just proving you more and more right.
You can do this.

Although also agree with @Weenurse ...but as long as the outcome is getting rid!

@MoaningMartyr I dont think I could cope with waiting till march if i was you! try to speed things up. get new bank accounts sorted. collect all info for debt, mortgage, savings etc. birth certs for kids, all passports. leave nothing to chance! if you can hide them somewhere out of the house ie at a friends house that would be better/ have a new phone and number standing by.

It really is all about him, isn't it? Waking you at 4 when you've small DC is so bloody thoughtless.

Ew, I quite often stay up late playing games, as does DH, while the other goes to bed or falls asleep on the sofa. The idea of getting drunk, by yourself, whilst doing it grosses me out. I mean, as a teen I did but as an adult with kids in the house? Yuck

@MoaningMartyr - I was so scared to being a single mum. But with hindsight I wish I’d left earlier, because I was to all intents and purposes a single mum who happened to be married! My husband used to tell his family all about how dreadful I was and how mean I am and blah blah blah. All the while he was a jobless, selfish, messy alcoholic who continually left me to do 100% of the house chores while bringing up the baby. He couldn’t be trusted to keep her safe, so it was like having 2 children to look after, because I couldn’t be out of the house and leave the baby there.

I promise, once you get into the swing of it, it will be easier on so many levels, being a single mum than living with a husband like you have described. doesn’t mean it’s easy, or without its challenges, but overall both you and the children will benefit in the long run.

I don't often countenance sending links to threads, but this is one instance when it could be a good idea to send MIL a link to this one. Not until you've made the break, of course.

Glad to have refound you, thanks to another thread!

@MoaningMartyr

Right, I'm all caught up. (I read all of your posts & a good chunk of the others, but not all)

it's hard, I get that. But you do NOT need to stay for weeks, you just don't. If I were you, I'd see a different solicitor, one that's actually on your side. As we used to say on here, you need a SHL (shit hot lawyer) not one that is so happy to let you give away more than you need to. I'm very serious here, don't keep using the one you've seen.

As for your parents, you aren't a child, I know how hard it is to disappoint them, but this is YOUR life, not theirs. This is your decision. You don't need their blessing or approval. You are telling them, not asking them.

Your kids will not blame you for this! Your eldest is scared of your DH. He doesn't want him. Your youngest will be scared too. In years to come they still won't blame you because they'll see him for what he is. Sure you may have some tears & I want Daddy at first. But if you stay you'll have more episodes if you eldest not wanting Daddy, only you and him feeling upset & scared. That's FAR more damaging for him.

He won't get 50:50. He won't actually want 50:50 even if he's says he will go for it.

DOUBLE DOWN on getting your ducks in a row & get him out of the house. He can go & live with his mother.

Dont worry about his parents or your parents or anyone else. This is YOUR life & only yours.

You & the boys will be so much happier once it's all sorted. Promise xx

Thank you @Walking2024now24days not to get too "therapy" about it all but my dad is a difficult grumpy selfish man and I was bought up v aware my role was to keep him happy and not anger him or the whole family would be in silence for a week.

People pleasing is in my soul! All my boyfrienfs have been very difficult, dependent and at times abusive. I have never left a relationship responsibly but instead just been pushed to the brink and then run away...like packed a bag and run overnight.

I obviously can't do that now. The thought of telling him/anyone makes me want to throw up. I never rock the boat.

Thank you for you all pushing me. Its so against my character to do something so huge and so disruptive. But the alternative is too grim

@MoaningMartyr I'm sorry you grew up like that. It certainly explains why you've continued to put up with so much and don't even see it.

i hope you're now resolute in the fact he needs to go.

Womans Aid will help you, the police (in most places) will help you, the most unexpected acquaintances will help you. Nursery...

Find a MUCH better lawyer/solicitor.

send the Collie in to round up the ducks quickly xx

@MoaningMartyr i could have written that last post. My Dad was (IS) the same and I’m in the calm before the storm phase of potentially separating.

I'm sorry to hear that @CalMeKate I actually thought my dad was pretty great when I was growing up and had an alright childhood and then I've consistently chose bullying men and now see my DF through a new lens and reflect on what I thought was "normal" e..g dad not talking to anyone for 10 days.

It's one of those where my boys don't have some awful childhood. There is a lot of love in the house. But I'm kidding myself to say seeing the imbalance and the disrespect and dislike H shows me won't fuck them up as clearly my choice of men is a result of what I experienced. If I see the consequence of "just putting up with it" I feel I have to act. I don't know if my mum had the insight or the financial independence I had.

Having said all that - it still feels bloody impossible and terrifying and awful!! What are you weighing up? X

This might be an interesting read for you OP.

In the same way as your OH is following a pattern, use not sending another two men out into the world to do the same thing to a partner in future as a driver to spur you on to do what you need to do. You are raising two future male partners and the current example you're giving them is likely what they will go on to try to replicate. Give them as best a chance as you can to have successful relationships by not normalising a shitty one.

When I ended my marriage we had to live together for quite some time, and my ex husband also spent a lot of time "cooking" noisily, late at night, with music and Keith Floyd amounts of red wine, often involving food processor/blender/pestle and mortar. He hadn't cooked previously. This started because he came home one day and there not being any dinner because I'd taken the kids out for a sunny evening walk. It's punishment, that's all. It's "I'll show you to disobey me" in not so many words. He wants you back in line, status quo restored, subjugating yourself because that's how his ego wants it. It's worked before, he want's the status quo returned and this is just another tactic. They will keep coming. Some of them will blow your mind.

Get it done, and get out of there. You won't look back.

Nothing useful to add but just to say @MoaningMartyr I admire your clarity of thought and the way you've had to work it all out on your own. Sounds like we come from similar backgrounds and made similar choices. I wish you everything positive, going forward.