To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

Again, he's trying to get you to people please to make him stop, and as it wasn't working he's now using the kids to get at you because he knows that's always going to be your achilles heel. You can't be held to ransom by any behaviour, this included. It just gives even more reason to get away from him.

You've got to think of the long game, and in the end the children will see exactly what's what. Yes they might have to sometimes go to his, but here's another voice to add to those saying that he will threaten 50/50 yet it will be very likely to go into the too hard basket when push comes to shove. He's not going to morph into someone capable and responsible who gives a shit overnight, he's just not.

Try to do the hurdle that's directly in front of you rather than trying to "make it right" for everyone right to the end, as that's impossible and will keep you stuck. Yes there will be some difficulties to get through if you leave him, but they won't be greater than the ones you and your children face if you stay, and you will get through them. You can be honest with your children for one, rather than trying to pretend everything is normal when it's clearly not and they can feel something is wrong. That's what causes the damage.

You need to record this on yr phone and document it. He is abusing your young and impressionable children and you doing grey rock are inadvertently complicit in this abuse. Your children can feel the atmosphere and it really isn't good OP. While you dither between jumping or not, Rome is burning.

Is there no way you can move out for the time it will take to sell the house?

Even if it means staying with family?

He sounds like my exH. My mum often harks back to the last family camping holiday where exH stayed in bed whilst I solo took down the awning and packed everything away whilst wrangling the dog because he was “tired”. I forget a bit now but he ended up angry (no idea why), miserable, snappy, lazy and just awful to live with.

I divorced him 6 years ago and at first he was angry and then he was self pitying. Eventually he got his shit together. His fathering improved massively and his temper receded. He is still a little cloud of doom and gloom but he is so much better with our DD. He wanted 50:50 and I agreed but it quickly slipped and now he has only EOW (his choice). I am just relieved not to be sharing space with his miserable arse any longer!

Good luck with your divorce- 6 or 9 months of pain for a lifetime of gain!

Hi OP

Yes we did live in the same house for quite a while after the decision, which I would not recommend. Spent far too long on mediation (beyond what is required) and trying to come to agreed decisions with him, when I should have just put court applications in asap. And this was before the online system - I had to send forms off to Bury St Edmond’s for the divorce application, and then the court bits took ages to get dates etc.

This is all quite a while ago now. My eldest is now 15 and so really makes her own mind up where she goes - but has a schedule for weekends so everyone knows where they stand, when they can be away for the weekend etc (but she sometimes goes to exh from the Thursday before and sometime doesn’t). She gets on much better with exh now that she basically communicates with him like another adult. She was 7 at the time I’m talking about when I decided to split - and the youngest was 2 - so a very different time.

There was a time when she was 50:50 between us for logistical reason - she didn’t like going back and forward with all her stuff, which is alot at secondary school. But exh ballsed that up so now she goes less than to start with.

Now it’s the younger one who is more attached to me and doesn’t always like to go to exh - but again it’s getting better. Exh has a new partner and two younger child - and the new partner is
nice.

I can actually get on with him much better now we are apart and his behaviour and choices don’t really impinge upon me (other than if it concerns the children).

All this is very outing if anyone I know is on here but equally not particularly surprising if they do recognise me.

Sorry didn’t answer the whole question- the weekends they go are the same but youngest goes Thursdays as well. So it will either be just Thursday one week, or Thursday- Sunday the other week.

Eldest goes the weekends when youngest goes, but sometimes goes from Thursday -Sunday, sometimes Friday - Sunday. The other week she doesn’t go. But it’s really near by so if she wants to pop over or something she can.

You can't count on him and that's incredibly sad.
You OP are spectacular - I'm sorry you have had to do this alone.

It must be hard OP as your kids are so young 😔 Do you think that even if he went for 50/50 it would last? He would have to organise everything on his days, drop off etc.

Remember what the solicitor said - if you have any doubts about the safety of the children with him after you separate, just don't let him have the children. Let him take you to court.
That is your duty as a parent, if your concerns are genuine and not driven by over-anxiety.
You can agree to supervised contact with another adult present at all times. This is a service that you and/or he can pay for - look up child contact centres.

Don't let your worry about the children stop you leaving him. You have to leave him, ASAP, because it is damaging to the children with you staying.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am taking it all on board. I feel I need to do a little bit more prep - financially and emotionally - before telling him. Maybe two or three weeks or just doing some more reading and trying to understand what the hell happens when he loses his mind and we all still live together. I take on board everything about not waiting long-term though.

@MoaningMartyr you will know when the time is right. If that is 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years. You will make that decision when it’s best for you and the kids (although it will probably be the kids).

Get the fence panel fixed. You will benefit from it in the short term and when your house goes on the market it will help with the value if there isn’t a gap in the fence.

Are you still in the spare room?

You need to understand one thing that we all did once the separation took place. They REALLY don’t care about the children as much as we do.

Thank you @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing for sharing that - gives me some hope. I read a lot on here of people who have found a new settled normal eventually and that some of the toxicity has gone now they are separate. I can't imagine that could happen to us but maybe I'll be wrong.

@CalMeKate in the spare room because of our coughs but he has started to ask I come back to our room again. There is so much I need to fix in this house. Its falling apart.

He is still v sullen. He came in from work and went to sleep on the sofa and is now on his phone. Someone said I'm grey rocking him earlier. I didn't know that term but I've looked it up and I'm not sure I am. I just know from past experience that nothing good will come from talking.

He also continues to be so emotionally shit with the kids. The one year old walked off this evening to pick up a toy and DH starts saying to DC "why do you always run away from me DC? Why don't you play with your daddy anymore DC. What is wrong with me" seriously - to a one year old who is getting a toy.

He's probably feeling ashamed of his behaviour towards his children who needed him (or he should!) and instead of owning his mistakes, he is transferring the blame back on to them to lessen his own burden of guilt, which is even worse imo. Abusive twat! Hopefully it is running through his mind when he is asking those questions to his children that the subconscious reply is that they are running away from him because he can't keep them safe or look after their most basic needs. His behaviour really ought to be haunting him.

Are you scared of him OP?

My stbxh miraculously became competent at all those things he was too stressed or too tired or didn't know how ro do when we split up. I wish I was putting it on or something, but he once insisted he was incapable of making the kids lunches and I had to do it when I was too sick to stand upright without holding onto the walls. He has no such problems now when he has them.

The last straw wasn't his abusive behaviour towards me but his complete lack of any response to the news that our DD was suicidal. If he's not going to at least be there for his kids in an emergency situation what's rhe point of him being there at all?

I'm such an idiot! I came home to a home cooked curry and a glass of wine, he hugged me and kissed me and did a long intense hug thing...I just let it happen and totally forgot and just let him kiss me and started telling him about my day. I'm pathetic. One bit of affection or effort and I just gave in. He's back playing video games all happy with himself and I'm sat here thinking WTF is wrong with me??? I need to have more resolve!

@Mitherations I'm not scared of him physically. I'm scared of him trying to ruin my life.

You're not an idiot. Better for all concerned if things can be civil/pleasant. But keep on with your plans OP. One meal and a hug in now way negates him being so utterly shit in a crisis.

You're not an idiot, give yourself a break. You're in a notoriously difficult position. The sulking wasn't working, the curry and the glass of wine was the next tactic. It doesn't mean a thing, or change a thing, it's just a different way of him manipulating the situation without addressing the issue.

Abusive relationships tend to go in a cycle of good and bad. Your relationship does not need to be in a bad part of the cycle for you to end your marriage. I ended mine when things were quite calm with him. I had resolved that I would at the next opportunity to talk without the dcs around. It ended up being in our local pub, after I engineered a meal out together on the way home from parents evening.

It will be easier/nicer for you and the dcs to keep things pleasant and calm at home, so let things be pleasant. You can have 'the conversation' any time, not just when your relationship is in a low.

You recognise what is happening with his change of tack, just carry on as you were.
sleep in the spare room as planned and if he questions it, be home and say that 1 meal and a kiss does not make up for his recent behaviour

Don't worry, he pressed your buttons, that is all.

But you realised. And he doesn't know that you realised. Which puts you in charge of your life, and keeps you safe for now. So not such a terrible thing to happen.

It is smarter to keep him in a good mood, better for the children!

Then you can leave.

Thanks everyone. Things have settled and back to "normal". No more drama.

But I've booked myself a proper hour with the solicitor next week to go through a few more things. Then I'm going to spend 6 weeks planning, paperwork, ensuring my emails aren't accessible on the home PC, maybe see i can afford a therapist, then I'm going to tell him towards end of March. I'm very scared of telling my parents too. They are going to be very anti. His parents will be livid. I fully expect to be public enemy number one. But I also feel pretty determined. I am worried the kids will grow up hating me. That H will become even more difficult as an ex. He has no idea its coming, even though I'm talked to him about being unhappy, talked to him about counselling

Oh also they've offered him more hours at work and he's trying to turn it down so he has time to be "creative". I'm really trying to persuade him to do more hours as that will be v helpful in the split.

Look up covert narcissist traits. Don't take his behaviour personally. But don't feel guilty and don't spend the rest of your life living like this. Sending you strength.