To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

I agree with Cath, this is him rewriting the narrative. It doesn’t matter, you know what the truth is.

Think how free you will feel when his moods can’t affect you. How light and airy a home will feel without his strops, sulks and groans! How you and the children will be free of manipulation.

All strength to you, OP.

well I suppose you're fortunate he didn't hijack the ambulance and insist he was the one that needed to be taken to hospital.
He sounds a total waste of space.

So pleased you have seen the light 2024 is your year

I suspect he can sense you're done with him and is practising being the hard done by husband who doesn't understand why his wife wants a divorce, yawn.

I can't deceide if he's looking at your youngest sadly because he's taken onboard that he could have lost them, or maybe he's thinking they're to blame for you being so unreasonable? I've never met him but he's giving me the ick really badly.

Dear lord, huffing and puffing because why? He’s having to actually parent for once? What does he normally do in the house? Sounds like sod all from your posts, OP!

Oh he's looking sad and longingly at them in a way to make me worry or ask what's going on. Like he's planning to leave. Or like he knows something I don't. He wants to be asked what is going on and the longer I go without asking the more he hates me. He often says I've turned horribly cold in the last year by which he means I don't spend hours on end asking him "what's wrong, do you want to talk etc" anymore. I just wait it out these days until he gets bored and starts being normal again. But I have to stop the cycle.

He has not for one second reflected on the fact he didn't do anything when DC was having a seizure.

I'm glad you can see him so clearly now @MoaningMartyr the scales have fallen from your eyes and all his nasty manipulative ways are there for you to see. Of course he thinks you've grown cold, he can't get all your attention anymore

I once came upon a journal belonging to my ex husband in which he had written "she is just COLD" roughly coinciding with the time I realised I was done with his shit and started planning to divorce him.

You're not cold. You're just not welcoming or facilitating his bullshit any more. Let him think what he wants, that's none of your business. You're business is you and the children and carving out a better situation for you. Keep going.

I think you need to mop his brow and say "there, there, there"
Then make him a nice cup of tea and sit him down in front of the tv

Poor man must be exhausted

Your ex husband's journal entry sounds like the anguish of a soul in distress. How could you do that to him you monster???

(any other gems from his musings? has really cheered me up.)

Oh my god he's such a prick! Sitting here watching telly. The storm is going crazy. Our garden fence has been on its last legs for 6 months and he says "too difficult to fix". The fence is almost coming down in the storm (other side is road and parked cars). I went outside to see if I could do anything. Found some pallets in the shed to put up against fence. I'm out in the garden, torch in mouth, drsgging 3 x wooden pallets one by one across the garden to wedge next to the fence in the wind. He sat inside on his phone the whole time.

He's not usually this bad. He is so so petty. Always has been. He wouldn't look up if I was on fire right now. God he's such an absolute dickhead.

You deserve so much more, OP. You are not the problem, he is.

My dh is a sulker and strangely enough, he now says the same about me, that I've turned cold. I haven't, I just no longer put up with his bullshit. When he sulks I now see it as an opportunity to go out and do things I want to. I take the kids to the cinema, or may take myself off to see friends, catch up on my hobbies etc. what I now don't do is follow him around trying to make it better and ask him what's up and try to get him to talk. If he wants to talk he now has to make the effort and come to talk to me, HE has to break the ice. When he does I address whatever it was that caused the sulk. In your shoes op id address what he thinks it's acceptable not to help a child who's having a seizure. If he was too ill to help, imo he should have been in hospital himself

Sounds v similar @barkymcbark

I'm not going to ask him as a) he will shout at me and b) there is nothing he could say. I don't want to have to work around his self-pity/anger any longer... he's so wrapped up in himself and more interest in point scoring and being the victim than helping his own child or wife.

I'm not looking back when I'm 80 and regretting spending my life with him. I've made my mind up.

Be careful.

There comes a point where they realise that they have pushed their luck too far. When the handmaid is no longer taking their crap. Then they start with the "woe is me" and when that doesnt work the martyr, then the illness again and then....eventually the anger.

The accusations that you dont care, you hate him, you are trying to turn the kids against him, just want him for his money, wouldnt care if he died as long as the bills got paid etc etc. And then the rows, the shouting and the verbal abuse.

Pre warned is prearmed.

I absolutely agree with @PyongyangKipperbang above. Something I learned on here: start hiding precious items incase he goes on a rampage out of spite.

DH was putting DS (4) to bed tonight while I was sorting out younger one in other bedroom. DH still has a v angry vibe, he's not shouting but bad mood is obvious and he just looks exacerbated with all 3 of us.

DS (4) ran into other bedroom and said "being with daddy makes me worried" and "I want mummy for bedtime only" "i feel scared". DH then shouting "DS is fucking manipulative hes talking rubbish" from the next door room. Ends with DS getting v upset and shouting and throwing his teddies. DH goes to sort baby instead who just cries for me and DH storms downstairs saying "both of them hate me for fucks sake".

How do I agree to him having the kids for up to 50% nights? My 4 year old won't be listened to. Please don't say he won't go for 5050. World is full of shitty dads with 50% of their kids. Would you still leave when they're this little? When their wishes won't be listened to for another 8 years.

Yes. Because the alternative is them having to deal with this sort of behaviour full time. Besides, he might not want to go for 50/50 if he's so easily angered by them. And even if he does; you can provide a safe, calm and emotionally healthy home for them 50% of the time as well as one decent parent who doesn't shout or swear at them.

He might threaten 50/50 but he won't want to do the work

You could also try to say that 50/50 could work as it will give you time to date. Obviously don't put that in writing.

I would still divorce and put all my effort into him having limited access. He clearly can't deal with them so I can't see why he would even bother to try for 50/50. I'd imagine (from your posts) he will go for the easiest life possible where he can sit on his arse all day. Living with him currently is shit for you and kids. Do you really want that for you all for 8 more years? 8 more years of him having tantrums and swearing about his kids in front of them, 8 more years of them being scared of him. I'm so sorry OP, it's a shit situation 😔

@MoaningMartyr

this isnt about them hating him (although see what I posted above) this is about you not responding to his sulks as you would normally do. You are not pandering to him, his punishment of the silent treatment isnt working so he is now using them to hurt you instead. Probably not deliberately but by being in such a foul mood so he upsets them, he gets the play the victim "you all fucking hate me" and that in turns hurts you.

He is now going to use anything he can to get at you. Threats to go for full custody, never seeing them at all as they clearly hate him, cutting you off financially, blah blah. He will weaponise anything he has.

I strongly suggest you need to move forward with the divorce asap as this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Sorry to have lurked til now.

Your situation is a lot like mine with exh. I agree totally with your solicitor- get out and get it done quickly and cleanly. Any dragging out, nesting etc will make things worse. Have been through it all - it took far too long and damaged the kids.

Mine kept saying at first “I’m not moving out/ agreeing anything financially or otherwise until you agree ton50:50 with kids”. Like yours , was an amazing volte face as he never showed any interest in looking after them 50:50 when we were married 🙄 And like you I also worked full time.

I didn’t agree to it. My kids were a bit older than yours (not much though) and equally always wanted Mum.l, esp the older one. I applied to court for everything, including on the form for if there’s been emotional abuse, which there had been.

He had a consultation with a solicitor and came out in agreement to his having 5 nights in 14, me 9, with some vague bollocks about him taking them to school other times which never happened. He’s done 5 in 14 the number of times that I can count on one hand. The bit where he did Sunday nights EOW disappeared almost immediately, as that’s too difficult. He’s currently 4 in 14 with youngest, 3 in 14 (sometimes 2) with the eldest.

I do get maintenance but have had to enforce the court order twice.

@PyongyangKipperbang yes, I agree. He is veering from one extreme to the other. Very angry, then very sad, then sulking. He just slammed the door for no reason whatsoever. He is like a child trying everything to see what ill react to. I just wish I could protect the kids from the sharp end. He wasn't actually shouting at bedtime. He just had this moody impatient vibe and I am upset to see that DS clearly feels it and is affected by it.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing are you me?? My oldest is also the most attached to me and I think DH would happily take younger DS without the older one for overnights. So your two do different nights? How does Your ex explain that? Are your DC OK with going over to your ex? Did you have to live in the same house after you told him? I really worry about that. The house already feels on the edge and the kids are affected, can't imagine how horrible it might become if I tell him I'm divorcing and then takes months and months to sell.