To feel he should/could have stepped up?

[MoaningMartyr]

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

Take some time off to feel better OP if you can. Once you feel well you'll be in a far better mental place to deal with everything 💐

I wonder wtf the paramedics thought?

Surely if he can't move off the sofa with his back to everyone when his dc is having a seizure, surely they should have been treating him too. I think my fanny would snap shut at that exact moment and as soon as possible I'd have packed him a bag and told him to fuck off to the far side of fuckdom

The solicitor sounds good. I can’t wait until you are free of this absolute tosser. Tell him ‘i’m doing you a huge favour, now you can only think of yourself without having to see your wife and children in crisis in front of him, as surely even you felt a little guilty at that, or maybe you are just a sociopath.’

And this. Saturday morning tell him you are sleeping after a long stressful week with the kids in crisis and he has to parent them and keep them out of your bedroom to give you some rest. If he can stay in bed for days you get one day or the next time he’s sick you walk out and leave him to look after the dc . (don’t tell him you will leave him, you need to keep powder dry on that one)

Yes - I agree - I can't do anything until i'm better.

I love being in the spare room. It's covered in crap (old cot, spare mattress) but it's dark & quiet and i'm in there at 9pm with my book. When I'm better i'll sort it out & it can be my own space in the house which will help so much.

We still haven't actually talked about what has happened or anything really. He seems angry & miserable, and barely looks at me. I do feel excited actually at the thought of living without him, I just wish the kids weren't going to be so affected.

Thanks for all taking time to reply - it has helped me gain an understanding of how abnormal things have got.

He's angry and miserable and barely looking at you to make the atmosphere unbearable for you so you crack and fawn to appease him. Don't. Those days are gone, you won't have a quiet life for the short term, but keep focusing on your long term peace.

Exactly what @Mitherations has said

@MoaningMartyr dunelm have some nice and well priced bedding in their sale. Treat your spare room to a new set, just for you to enjoy.

@MoaningMartyr

He seems angry & miserable, and barely looks at me.

I hope that's shame at himself - even this late in the day. 🌹

Weirdly, I feel really pleased for you, that you feel this way - lighter perhaps?

Good luck with everything & enjoy your space. You & the kids will be absolutely fine in the long run, no question.

That solicitor sounds very sensible and experienced, best of luck!

As it's not in your own interests to let him know what your planning I'd be a bit cagey here Op, he's angry because he can sense a change in you, you haven't appeased him or tried to smooth things over. Unfortunately men like your DH aren't always stupid, they can sense when you're pulling away and it will aggravate his sense of entitlement. I'm not suggesting you lie or make nice, just be low key around him whilst making your plans. Time enough for him to find out when your solicitor contacts him.

I saw your thread tonight, OP and feel so angry for you. I did feel sad for you too, as it must be hard to realise that the man you loved is such a pathetic waste of space. However it looks like it has given you the impetus to ditch him, and you sound happy at that prospect so go you!! Wishing you all the best

Thanks everyone. I wouldn't say I'm happy at the thought at all...but my thoughts go:

"God what am I thinking of course I can't divorce him. What a horrendous mess that will be"

"Oh in that case I may spend the next 40 years living under the same roof as him.."

"And....we are back to the divorce idea again"

I know deep down I have to. I can't grow old with this man. I can't. So I need to do it now.

😂

I know this is pathetic to be pleased over somethign so trivial....but i'm am in bed. and it's lunchtime. and it is glorious!! he has huffed and puffed all morning, the kids have been up and down the stairs but I've stuck to my guns and not got up. lots of moments of him saying 'i don't know where the bloody socks are' and me just blissfully ignoring him. and he has now taken them to soft play - with a face like thunder - but who cares. This is my little personal rebellion!

Bless him. Whilst he's out I'd be tempted to go out for a drive somewhere, grab a drive thru coffee etc and park up somewhere for a few hours and let him crack on some more with reality whilst you enjoy the peace. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Just found your thread today. I am so sorry you and your children was poorly and this useless lump made things so much for difficult for you. Words fail me they really do.

You are a remarkably strong woman. You dealt with one of the most stressful and distressing things a mother can have to deal with. All while poorly yourself and the added mental strain of the final nail in the coffin hitting hard and loud over what a shambles your H is as a father and husband.

You have done so well going and seeing the solicitor and setting up in the spare room. Solicitor is right that this is going to hurt. Yet your future is going to be so wonderful without him.

Well done op, make the most of the peace and he can bring you tea in bed when he returns and cook dinner

Wow. What a cunt he is!!

Just get rid.

It's the little wins in life that can make it sweeter😉 Enjoy the rest while you can.

I'm in the same position as you. It's not really that bad, he does help out sometimes, I don't really mind looking after the kids, its fine they will grow up/be independent soon, its only a dinner/washload/hoover. Then you realise that this is "it" until you die. This is your life for the next 40 or 60 years and the you inside screams in primedial fear. Listen to that. That is the real you.

@MoaningMartyr keep us updated about how the weekend goes! We are all on your side.

💪🏻
Brilliant 🤩

Excellent work op, if he ever wants to see his kids after you split it will be parenting on his own so just leave him to it. I’m glad you got to rest a little.

thank you. i'm up and about today - the day in the bed did the world of good. DH is more miserable than ever. He's doing chores (which he rarely does) but the sighs, groans, rolling of eyes is constant and exaggerated. he hasn't said a word to me or the kids since he got up. he sometimes looks very longingly and sadly at our youngest when i'm in the room. i don't even know what he's mad at anymore. we havne't had a fight or anything. i don't even think he knows why he's mad. i think he might just hate me. i'm trying not to let it suck the life out of me but it's hard.

I think that his activities today will be used towards his rewriting of history after you split with him. His narrative will go 'I did everything for that woman when she was ill, and this is how she repays me'. Yep, he is a dick.