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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not borrow DP money?

158 replies

bethe1uwant2 · 14/01/2024 14:20

We've been together 8 years and have 2 young children. We rent, and although I would love my own house, I don't know if it will ever be possible as dp since I have known him has been irresponsible with money and forever in dept.

I have on a few occasions had to pay his debt off which I've always made him pay back. But it's a vicious cycle.

He owes my 7 year old £3000 from his savings as he needed it to buy a car 'so he could get to work' turns out he could have got a lift everyday with co worker.

Recently I found out he took another loan out with ridiculous interest added which is another set back for us to buy a house.

He is self employed and although he's been offered employment which I have encouraged him to take, he gets defensive and refuses.

We only ever argue about money. He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker who would give us his last dime, but he is just so irresponsible when it comes to managing money. I have tried to help and asked to see his bank which he refuses.

He usually pays all the bills on time.
Anyway, over Christmas we have spent a fortune and are both skint. I work part time but luckily am good with money and have some savings, he has asked to borrow £300 as his bills go out tomorrow. I will obviously give him the money, but i need him to start managing it better and everyone i bring it up into conversation he gets defensive and we argue!

When will he learn? AIBU????

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 14/01/2024 18:20

Is the employment he was offered more profitable than being self employed? If it is, he should be taking it until he gets himself out of debt.

MrsMarzetti · 14/01/2024 18:20

Blobblobblob · 14/01/2024 14:44

Be clever.

Give him nothing more but play nice until every single penny is back in your child's account.

Then dump this loser like the sack of shit he is

Stealing from a child is outrageous

This , this and this

Kwam31 · 14/01/2024 18:21

You loan him money not borrow him it ffs
He is a great dad and partner
where? when he's lying, taking his child's money, running up debt?
You've very low standards of that's great!!

Ohdojustfuckoff · 14/01/2024 18:25

I'm sorry OP,
You need to pressurise him into giving your child that money back.
Give him £300, and start making steps to financially separate yourself from him.

In regards to buying a house, some shared ownerships do from 10% shares. You should save this money yourself, and get one of those, so you atleast have a stable tenancy for yourself and your kids. It needs to be for you, and not him because he will piss on every plan you ever have to get forward.

Ohdojustfuckoff · 14/01/2024 18:27

Oh also, what area does he work SE in? If Construction and he works through the CIS scheme, tell him to sort out his tax and he may get a fairly decent rebate- probably more than enough to pay your son back the money he's taken for the car.

Skybluecoat · 14/01/2024 18:27

It's disgusting that you allowed someone you know to be totally financially irresponsible and untrustworthy access to your child's money.

He is NOT a good father, or a good partner. Why is your bar so pitifully low?

DeeLusional · 14/01/2024 18:32

He doesn't give you his last dime though does he, he takes it. Get used to a life of poverty and misery, and look forward to being left with a load of debt when he can't screw any more money out of you and buggers off with the woman he's told that you don't understand him.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/01/2024 18:39

The £3k that’s gone And he won’t repay. He knows you won’t insist and that a child has no agency to exert
Your lifestyle is impacted and no ability to buy a house as he’s too feckless and his credit rating will be appalling

question is,what do you want to do? Tolerate his fecklessness
Issue an ultimatum he cannot fulfill

Hes not a great dad, he’s flawed and irresponsible

fancyflower · 14/01/2024 18:43

In the kindest way possible OP, open your fucking eyes! He is not going to pay that money back- OR if he does, how long will it take if he doesn't even have a job?
He is clearly not a good father, or a good partner, or a good person in general- stealing his little boy's savings (3000 from a child?? that isn't borrowing, that's theft). Raise your standards for God's sake!
Have fun being completely used by him for your and the kid's money. It's them I feel sorry for, you're complicit in this and letting him get away with it if you don't act.

Greydogs123 · 14/01/2024 18:46

How is he going to pay back your dc £3000 while also saving money for this time next year, and not overspending as he goes over the next few months?
I think you might be a little delusional about the sort of man he is. He’s not learning from previous mistakes with money - just relying on you to bail him out. He’s also not willing to accept help to be more responsible by sharing his account info. You need to carefully consider how enmeshed you become with him unless he can be very open about where his money is going.

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/01/2024 18:52

What was the most recent loan for? Don't marry him and don't get a mortgage with him, he can't be trusted. Do you know how much he actually earns? Is he lying about this and using loans to make up the shortfall? Tell him to sell the bleddy car.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/01/2024 19:10

You are looking at this through Rose tinted glasses.

Your partner is financially irresponsible and relies on the fact that you're not to get him out of problems.
He needs to pay back your child's £3000 asap and can't have any other support from you until he has.

I'd seriously consider your long term future with this man; having the same attitude to finances and sharing financial goals with a partner are basic things to have discussed and have in common.

heartofglass23 · 14/01/2024 19:37

Financial abuse.

Stop funding his lifestyle.

Completely separate your finances and get your son's money back asap.

HalloumiGeller · 14/01/2024 19:55

A good partner doesn't take a loan out without telling you, sorry! He then "borrowed" 3k from your child, and at the moment it doesn't like you will see that money replenished for a long time!

My kids have savings and I will NEVER use it, as its not my money it's theirs.

Mt DP isn't amazing with money but he isn't reckless either. He will at least ask me how much the bills are, when they go out and how much to pay, he wouldn't get loans out without telling me.

Mirabai · 14/01/2024 20:01

He doesn't give you his last dime though does he, he takes it.

Quite. He can’t, because he’s already spent it. And he’s spent his kids’ dimes too.

trainboundfornowhere · 14/01/2024 20:29

My DH worked night shift as a security guard at a 24 hour supermarket after getting straight into third year at university (Scotland) as a mature student. Studying or not we still had bills to pay and he did everything he could to help with those bills. We had a joint income of £27,000 at the time and had to cut our cloth accordingly. Your partner has proven he is very good at spending money and not just his own but what does he actually provide?

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/01/2024 10:05

Nonomono · 14/01/2024 16:57

Why is he useless for working FT and paying ALL of the bills but OP isn’t useless even though she only works PT??

She is spending the money too, especially the Christmas money and using half of the bills.

If he’s having to take out loans or borrow from their savings to pay the bills, then it’s likely it’s because they can’t afford their lifestyle.

Perhaps OP should get a FT job and pay half of the bills if they can’t afford their lifestyle.

Edited
Show quote history

Perhaps a FT job for OP would cost more in jersey fees than she could earn in extra income.

He LIED in order to get his hands on money for a car - a car which has ongoing costs of MOT, insurance, fuel, repairs etc. Perhaps without the upkeep of the vehicle expenses, they could afford their lifestyle.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/01/2024 10:18

Kwam31 · 14/01/2024 18:21

You loan him money not borrow him it ffs
He is a great dad and partner
where? when he's lying, taking his child's money, running up debt?
You've very low standards of that's great!!

You loan him money not borrow him it ffs

This is dialectical in some parts of the country. No need to be snarky.

But I agree he's not a great dad or partner. At best he's feckless, at worst he's a rogue who will bleed her dry.

bombardelli · 15/01/2024 10:22

bethe1uwant2 · 14/01/2024 15:20

Wow didn't expect such a negative response.

He hasn't stolen our child's money at all, I am the only one with access to my child's savings and as he needed a vehicle for work, I allowed him to borrow the money which I will obviously make sure he returns. I don't need to 'play nice' until he returns the money, we are partners and like I said he is a good dad and will pay the money back one day. My child won't have access to that money until he is at least 18 anyway.

He is not gambling or hiding anything. That was never mentioned in the OP. He pays all the house bills every month, as I said I work part time so I pay for what I can, while saving.

He is irresponsible and that is what I was hoping for guidance with. I will not be leaving him , he is the father of my children and don't need strangers telling me he is not a good dad. I know he is.

Since this post we have had a chat, and I have asked him to set up a payment plan every month to ensure he has savings for this time next year. We always struggle in January as we are both self employed and have 2 weeks off work meaning no pay.

This is the classic ‘he may be a dickhead but he’s MY dickhead’ response.

Sounds like you will always just scrape by if you stay with this spendthrift loser. And yes, any man who takes money from his child’s money when he could have just saved for one is a loser.

rainbowstardrops · 15/01/2024 10:36

So he borrowed £3000 from his child that he didn't actually need and hasn't even started paying it back and then he takes another high interest loan out without even discussing it with you? Wow.
This man will never get his act together all the time you keep bailing him out.
I'd be demanding seeing his bank accounts and if he continues to refuse, the bail outs stop happening because it would seem that you don't actually have any idea of the state of his financial situation.
I think you need to take this very seriously.

Lighrbulbmo · 15/01/2024 10:40

He won’t give you his last dime, he will TAKE your last dime. Well done for having separate finances though. I would take over all bills and tell him to pay his share into an account he cannot access.
His Share must include a payment plan for paying back his child’s money.

Azerothi · 15/01/2024 10:48

I can plainly see why you haven't married or as I expect you to say don't want to marry this current boyfriend.

Although you both sound as bad as each other stealing from your young child. It sounds as though your boyfriend lied about the reasons for getting a car too.

Britpop123 · 15/01/2024 10:53

He’s getting some stick but from your update it does seem he pays everything and you pay “what you can”, so there may be some element of imbalance there. We don’t really have enough info

if he’s wasting money, yep that’s out of order, but if he’s just skint through paying everything that’s different.

Collaborate · 15/01/2024 10:55

There is always a tendancy on MN for posters to advise to LTB whatever you may think.

He pays all the bills. You say you pay what you can, but you work part time. Do you think it is now time for you to get a full time job? Is this partly why he's so short of funds?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 15/01/2024 11:00

When will he learn? AIBU????
You are being very unreasonable thinking he will ever learn. If you dont want to split up then you'd do better accepting who he is rather than expecting him to somehow learn and change then getting hurt by that when he doesn't.