AIBU to not borrow DP money?

[bethe1uwant2]

We've been together 8 years and have 2 young children. We rent, and although I would love my own house, I don't know if it will ever be possible as dp since I have known him has been irresponsible with money and forever in dept.

I have on a few occasions had to pay his debt off which I've always made him pay back. But it's a vicious cycle.

He owes my 7 year old £3000 from his savings as he needed it to buy a car 'so he could get to work' turns out he could have got a lift everyday with co worker.

Recently I found out he took another loan out with ridiculous interest added which is another set back for us to buy a house.

He is self employed and although he's been offered employment which I have encouraged him to take, he gets defensive and refuses.

We only ever argue about money. He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker who would give us his last dime, but he is just so irresponsible when it comes to managing money. I have tried to help and asked to see his bank which he refuses.

He usually pays all the bills on time.
Anyway, over Christmas we have spent a fortune and are both skint. I work part time but luckily am good with money and have some savings, he has asked to borrow £300 as his bills go out tomorrow. I will obviously give him the money, but i need him to start managing it better and everyone i bring it up into conversation he gets defensive and we argue!

When will he learn? AIBU????

Exactly, a great dad or father provides for their child. Not takes their savings to buy a car for themselves. Then asks the child’s mum to pay the bills.

Where did your child get their savings? He's stolen it. That's not the behaviour of a good dad.

Stop lending him money. He's holding you back.

well it depends what 'his bills' are - if he pays the rent/utilities or whatever out of his account then if he absolutely can't cover them then obviously it would make sense for her to lend him it rather than risking her and her child being evicted or whatever. You only have to miss 3 ctax payments (over the year, not even concurrently) to be sent a final notice asking you to pay the whole year.

even if it's 'just' purely bills for him, like a phone contract or overdraft if they did ever want to buy a house (sounds like it's never going to happen tbh) it would obviously be better for them both to have good credit ratings.

Obviously I agree that OP shouldn't be subsidising him - presumably if she wasn't around he'd have to get the money from somewhere, but given they are living together its not unreasonable for her to take the path with the least chance of negative consequences to her, not just him, rather than demanding he take out a payday loan etc. Agree he's not a 'great dad' though- presumably if you weren't together either he'd be a single dad and wouldn't be able to feed his child for a week, or he'd be not paying you maintenance because he's spent it on something else.

If your DS savings are in any decent account he's losing £150 in interest for every year his dad doesn't pay him back .

An amazing dad?
Really?
In what ways is he amazing.
Amazing is those things that if you did them would make you an amazing mother by the way. So not anything that is a bog standard expectation of a parent. Like loving them. Playing with them. Cooking. Cleaning. Attending school events. Booking dentist appts, haircut, shopping for uniform, planning holidays, sorting Christmas, noticing things they need and just sorting it out, etc etc

What amazing things does he do?

Fyi, amazing husbands and fathers don't take their kids savings and aren't financially irresponsible so all these amazing ways of his have to be extra amazing to compensate for the fact he's sponging off a young child.

he needed a vehicle for work

No he didn't. You said that in your OP. He lied to you to get you to give him the money

The defensiveness about money and taking out a high interest loan would be a real worry for me TBH. It sounds like he is hiding bigger financial issues. If he doesn’t need the car he could sell it and put some of your child’s money back. There are plenty of sites which will support with debt etc but you need openness and transparency on exactly how big a problem it really is. Be careful you don’t bury your head in the sand then end up posting here in 6 months when you find more debt you don't know about. If your partner is a good guy you definitely haven’t portrayed him that way in your original post.
A proper sit down and breakdown of all finance and debt with your partner should be the first step. If he won’t do that then there’s more to it.

Don’t lend your partner any money. It’s really low that he’s had £3k out of your child’s savings.

You’re not lending him money, it’s his money too.

He works full time and pays all of the bills, whilst you only work PT.

If he’s paying all of the bills and paying for a family of 4 on one salary, then of course he’s going to be skint.

Why is his money both of your money, but your money is just yours?

We’d all have a lot more disposable income like you if we weren’t paying all of the bills.

How has a 7 year old got £3k. Is it from relatives. How is your money split. Who earns the most. People just jumped to conclusions before they know the facts.

You keep saying he’s irresponsible. What’s he spending the money on? Unless he’s a low earner and his earnings don’t cover his share of the bills he sounds selfish and like he’s buying things for himself and then taking money from his kids for essentials. So where is the money going? Alcohol? Gambling? Trainers? Computer Games? Drugs? Prostitutes? Cigarettes? Takeaway? Somewhere he’s spending an unreasonable amount of money on treats for himself and expecting his children’s savings to make up the shortfall. Do you know where the money is actually going? Because money doesn’t just disappear, he’s spending it somewhere and I bet he’s spending it on things which only benefit him rather than the whole family.

If the money was in your child's name in the first place you have breached your duty as a trustee of that money for your child to use it only for their benefit and your child owns that car (which will be a bad investment as a depreciating asset) and you could find yourself in legal trouble in the (admittedly unlikely) event it was ever challenged in court.

Whether it was or wasn't in your child's name, by giving it to their feckless father you are depriving your child of the compound interest that would outgrow have increased the size of that pot and will be for as long as it is not paid back (which I assume will be the 12th of never). I assume you're not calculating the most interest and requiring he pay that back too?

What you do with your own money is your own business and you seem determined to throw good money after bad - that's your choice. You have done absolutely the wrong thing by making the same decisions for your child's money and morally, if not legally, have no right to do so.

I will obviously give him the money,

For as long as you're willing to "borrow" him money he'll keep asking for it so he doesn't need to stop working self employed.

Anyway, over Christmas we have spent a fortune and are both skint

Even you seem to be spending money you don't have. Sort yourself out first by telling your DP you've got debts of your own to pay off including the money you took from your DC.

This! ⬆

What are you thinking, letting him raid your child's savings?

And as for this I will obviously give him the money - why "obviously"?

You should "obviously" be demanding money back to replenish your child's account (plus interest) not throwing more and more cash after this bottomless pit of a bloke.

Make him sell the fucking car if that's the only way you can get any of it back!

He's useless. Get what you are owed and get rid.

Wow! How in the name of all things holy are you going to ensure your child's money is reimbursed?! He's taken out another loan and already asking to borrow more. That £3,000 is most definitely at the bottom of the pile for repayment. Unless you pay it back on his behalf which I suspect is what will happen. But of course that will impact the house deposit savings.
You've no chance.

He’s not a great dad, he stole 3k from your child and can’t pay his bills . Give your damn head a shake will you. How is he even going to pay it back when he’s taken out a loan and is already asking to borrow money.

Bin him. This will go on forever.

That said I don’t think you’re much better either, not if you agreed on him taking that money. It doesn’t make you a great parent either.

You’re both as bad as each other in many ways.

Why is he useless for working FT and paying ALL of the bills but OP isn’t useless even though she only works PT??

She is spending the money too, especially the Christmas money and using half of the bills.

If he’s having to take out loans or borrow from their savings to pay the bills, then it’s likely it’s because they can’t afford their lifestyle.

Perhaps OP should get a FT job and pay half of the bills if they can’t afford their lifestyle.

Exactly this.
They need to change their names to Feckless and Reckless.

*He owes my 7 year old £3000 from his savings as he needed it to buy a car 'so he could get to work' turns out he could have got a lift everyday with co worker.

Recently I found out he took another loan out with ridiculous interest added which is another set back for us to buy a house.

He is self employed and although he's been offered employment which I have encouraged him to take, he gets defensive and refuses.*

That's why he's useless.

I actually think that you are part of the problem here. You allowed him to have the £3K from your child's account. You enabled him. You are both skint from spending too much at Christmas. So you were both financially irresponsible.

If I were you, I'd get a full-time job, as you will never ever get on the housing ladder by relying on your partner. You're clearly more responsible than he is, but you have to stop enabling his behaviour. You would massively benefit from some financial freedom and working full-time should hopefully help with that.

I could never be with a partner who wasn't transparent with financials. I couldn't ever be with someone who racked up debt, took high interest loans, overspent at Christmas, couldn't save, wouldn't show me their account when they are having financial problems etc. But you've made it clear you are staying with him, you've made your bed, so to speak.

Well seeing how he is constantly borrowing from you how in hell do you think he is going to pay back your child?????

Honestly OP you are being incredibly foolish and not fair to your child. It wasn't your money to lend.

You are both irresponsible.

There's this stupid myth that women are gold diggers. I dont want gold, I want financial security in a partner. Its actually my top 5 things I look for a partner. I grew up piss poor and I'm not going through that as an adult. We don't like to talk about money, but if you are not on the same page with regards to security than I would reconsider the relationship. He falls back on you, who do you fall back on?

The question is when will YOU learn.

If he needs to take out loans or borrow money from their savings to be able to get to work to be able to pay their bills, then that’s what needs to happen.

If OP had posted that she needed to ask her DH to borrow £300 to pay bills posters would lose their minds over it.

Why did you ler him "borrow" £3000 of yoir child's money?! I doubt he will give that back!

a hard worker who would give us his last dime

Well that isn't true is it? He isn't giving you his last dime to give you a home and support your children and their future he is just taking and taking and taking. Stop deluding yourself and start coming down harder on him and let him know he is going to lose his family if he doesn't shape up and mean it.

This isn't bad money management, he is self employed running his own business he can add/subtract, it is not giving a shit.

You are going to spend your life chasing the pennies, waste years where you could have been investing your families money in your families future - buying a home, saving for the kids going to uni etc - with this guy if he doesn't grow up soon.