AIBU to not borrow DP money?

[bethe1uwant2]

We've been together 8 years and have 2 young children. We rent, and although I would love my own house, I don't know if it will ever be possible as dp since I have known him has been irresponsible with money and forever in dept.

I have on a few occasions had to pay his debt off which I've always made him pay back. But it's a vicious cycle.

He owes my 7 year old £3000 from his savings as he needed it to buy a car 'so he could get to work' turns out he could have got a lift everyday with co worker.

Recently I found out he took another loan out with ridiculous interest added which is another set back for us to buy a house.

He is self employed and although he's been offered employment which I have encouraged him to take, he gets defensive and refuses.

We only ever argue about money. He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker who would give us his last dime, but he is just so irresponsible when it comes to managing money. I have tried to help and asked to see his bank which he refuses.

He usually pays all the bills on time.
Anyway, over Christmas we have spent a fortune and are both skint. I work part time but luckily am good with money and have some savings, he has asked to borrow £300 as his bills go out tomorrow. I will obviously give him the money, but i need him to start managing it better and everyone i bring it up into conversation he gets defensive and we argue!

When will he learn? AIBU????

LEND

Sorry. No YANBU. I can't believe he's stolen £3k from your child and you've accepted that.

He didn't need the car. It says it, black and white, right there. £3k gone for no reason.

Put your sons money in a junior ida so he can't take any out in future

How on earth does your child have so much in savings!

Anyway, your partner is a dud, definitely don't lend any more.

he stooped so low as to take your child's money

WOW

and now he wants you to lend him more ?

NOT until the child has been repaid ! with interest !!!

The same as a few others have said - if he hasn’t got enough money to pay the bills, and it’s him paying all of them, you need a FT job and you need to properly contribute.

He could have got lifts off a coworker- how is that sustainable long term, especially with a wife and 2 kids too.

MNers are always bleating on about learning to drive and getting a car, apart from in this case apparently.

How is someone working FT and paying all of the bills needing to take out loans and borrow savings, not for luxuries, but for a car to get to work and to pay their bills, whilst their DP is only working PT and still managing to put money away for savings.

Paying the bills comes first and that comes before OP putting money away for savings.
She’s not lending him the money, just like he’s not doing every month when he’s paying all of the bills.

They are a couple and so the money should be joint.
He’s paying all of the bills with his money, yet she has mentioned having to lend him any of her money - it’s his money too.

I’ve lost count of how many threads are started by SAHP asking to borrow money and posters saying it’s family money etc.

As long as he has not paid that 3000k back it’s losing interest - so he’s lost your kid money whichever way you look at it.

You’re right his fecklessness will mean you will never own your own home - as you’re self employed make sure you have your own private pension plan otherwise you will be fkcd.

He owes his child £3000, that's a shit Dad right there.

Neither of you appears to have much sense OP and he is definitely not a good father and partner. He took £3000 from your child and turned down a permanent steady income in favour of working for himself but does he regularly earn more working for himself than a steady income would provide? You now need to sit down with him and work out what your combined income is and how much your combined essential outgoings are. After doing that is there any slack for him to pay your child back? You will never own a home if your expenditure is greater than your income.

Its my usual question. Why do you stay?

Nevermind when will he learn- when will
YOU learn? Your children’s savings are your responsibility and lending them was your decision. Very irresponsible of you to give it away. Yes his behaviour is awful but you have enabled it in full knowledge of his track record.

I think you made a mistake in your opening post. It should have read ‘I took £3,000 from my 7 year old without his informed consent and gave it to someone who lacks the financial capacity to return it. How do I make this right?’

He sounds awful. Taking your child's savings is pretty shocking. That money should be invested in a bond or similar and earning interest.

He is not a good dad.

as dp since I have known him has been irresponsible with money and forever in dept.

What made you think that he would change?

@bethe1uwant2 have you both got Experian or Clearscore to see your credit file?
If you are planning a future house buy, you really need to see what is actually going on.
I recall with some embarrasment, sitting in a bank ready to do the whole joint mortgage thing with a Dp. I had completely forgotten an old debt.
It came up on the bank computer. My point is, you need to know exactly where you stand.

You honestly cant think that 3k is coming back? You need to write that off as gone -he is shit with money and frequently spends more than he has. How is he ever going to repay 3k? I'd expect him to be putting the money back in savings already at a small amount every month, even a fiver. He clearly can't or won't.
You need to sit down and have a conversation about jobs, income and spending and how you will be giving your son back the 3k.

100% agree with this. He really has skewed values and a zero moral compass if he is taking money from his children’s accounts. So no, definitely not a ‘great’ father, and your bar must be set really low if you actually believe that.

OP, some of these comments may be difficult to read but I hope you consider this thread as a wake up call.

What kind of person would take £3k out of child savings for something that they did not need?

@bethe1uwant2 He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker who would give us his last dime,

He would give anyone his last dime because he doesn't value money and the minute he had given it to you he would be asking to borrow it back again.

One of the things I hate most about Mumsnet is when comments tell someone to leave their partner, but honestly, things are never going to change. This man will sponge off you and your DCs for the rest of his life. You will never own your own house. You will never have savings. You will never have a pension that you have not provided. And when your DCs are grown he will do the same to them.

You need to think about whether you really want to spend your life with this dead weight clinging to you and dragging you down.

I would seriously consider telling him that unless he takes the job, starts paying your DS back, and borrows nothing more from either of you, you will leave him.

I know it is patronising and emasculating, but if you do stay then I would also consider telling him that he can only have a pre-paid debit card and cannot sign any more credit agreements, so he can only spend what he has and should have no bills to pay. He would hate it at first, but he might actually find it a relief to get to the end of the month with no debt, and maybe even with 50 quid left over to pay off DS and later contribute to your joint future.

He is not being an adult, so either you need to be or you need to think about a future without him. Giving him cash handouts is not helping him and is setting your DCs a very negative example of how relationships should run.

He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker who would give us his last dime, but he is just so irresponsible when it comes to managing money.

But that is just not true is it? Hard to believe you can be a real poster when you are so naive.

So you were complicit in him stealing your child’s moneys?!? Great job there 👏🏻

Your question was, when will he be responsible about money.
The answer is that he won’t.

Was the £3,000 for your child money that you had saved, or gifts from family?

Either way, I think it’s an absolutely despicable thing to do.
And now you’re just making excuses for him.