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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not borrow DP money?

158 replies

bethe1uwant2 · 14/01/2024 14:20

We've been together 8 years and have 2 young children. We rent, and although I would love my own house, I don't know if it will ever be possible as dp since I have known him has been irresponsible with money and forever in dept.

I have on a few occasions had to pay his debt off which I've always made him pay back. But it's a vicious cycle.

He owes my 7 year old £3000 from his savings as he needed it to buy a car 'so he could get to work' turns out he could have got a lift everyday with co worker.

Recently I found out he took another loan out with ridiculous interest added which is another set back for us to buy a house.

He is self employed and although he's been offered employment which I have encouraged him to take, he gets defensive and refuses.

We only ever argue about money. He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker who would give us his last dime, but he is just so irresponsible when it comes to managing money. I have tried to help and asked to see his bank which he refuses.

He usually pays all the bills on time.
Anyway, over Christmas we have spent a fortune and are both skint. I work part time but luckily am good with money and have some savings, he has asked to borrow £300 as his bills go out tomorrow. I will obviously give him the money, but i need him to start managing it better and everyone i bring it up into conversation he gets defensive and we argue!

When will he learn? AIBU????

OP posts:

Cuppachuchu · 14/01/2024 14:53

ilovesooty · 14/01/2024 14:52

He's a disrespectful, irresponsible parasite. I can't see what the point of him is.

This. LTB ASAP. That is all.

Daisy12Maisie · 14/01/2024 14:54

Slightly embarrassing to say but my child has lent me £1000 to pay off a credit card. I'm paying him back with the same interest I would be giving the credit card company as I would rather do that than pay the credit card company. My son suggested it as he was wondering what high interest account to put his money in but he gets more this way as I'm paying him more interest than a savings account. My point being if he borrowed money from your child there would be a clear payment plan to return it.

Daisy12Maisie · 14/01/2024 14:54

So he hasn't borrowed the money he has taken it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/01/2024 14:55

Why is it "obvious" that you will give him the money?! Do you seriously think MNers would encourage you to keep bailing this waste of space out?

AutumnFroglets · 14/01/2024 14:55

He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker
Great dads do not steal/borrow huge amounts from their children. They provide.

Great partners support their OH not bleed them dry financially, mentally and emotionally.

Hard workers do not turn down jobs.

He's laughing at you whilst robbing you blind. Wake up.

magpiemagpuy · 14/01/2024 14:55

You sound like my mum.

She sat back and watched as my dad destroy their finances with his "irresponsible spending" to the extent the bank almost repossessed our house.

She didn't want the inevitable argument so rather than stand up to him she allowed him to take their tenants rent and not pay the mortgage.

All the while bailing him out on her minimum wage job while he drove around on a brand new high end car.

She also made the decision to give him the inheritance that my grandparents had earmarked for my education, because even after all this, he'd give it back. He never did.

He is responsible for his terrible financial behaviour but you are responsible for condoning it.

2jacqi · 14/01/2024 14:56

@bethe1uwant2 I think you will most likely find that he has also run up an overdraft at the bank!! he needs to let you have access so you can help him sort out his mess. he is obviously living way above his means! try and make a pact for return of your son's 3k!

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 14/01/2024 14:57

He is responsible for his terrible financial behaviour but you are responsible for condoning it.

That's a great comment.

Olika · 14/01/2024 14:57

I am loss for words after reading you let him 'borrow' £3000 of a child's money. He should be providing, not sponging off you and the kids.

Beezknees · 14/01/2024 14:57

He has stolen money from his child. "Great dad" my arse.

MeridianB · 14/01/2024 14:59

Gingernaut · 14/01/2024 14:30

He is a great dad and partner and a hard worker

He's effectively stolen £3k from your child, has turned down the offer of permanent employment and has left you dependent on renting without end instead of saving for a deposit for a mortgage.

Wise up, girl, He's nothing of the sort.

This is what I was going to post. Plus hiding the last loan. Sounds like he lied and you found out? What was that money for? Is he a gambler?

Nothing is more important to him than his spending. Not you or your (his?) children, not owning a home, not living without the stress of debt, not a secure future (can’t imagine there is a pension in the mix).

Stealing from a child is so low. He needs to pay this back with full interest asap.

He won’t change while you’re bailing him out. Tell him that was the last time and mean it.

The bigger picture here of how crap he is at being a partner and father would have made me question the relationship a long time ago.

LenaLamont · 14/01/2024 15:04

If this is real, kick his arse out! He stole £3K from your child's savings and wants another £300?

CarStress2024 · 14/01/2024 15:05

This guy will only ever drag you down. Absolutely shameful.

Testina · 14/01/2024 15:06

“Anyway, over Christmas we have spent a fortune and are both skint”

Well that’s neither of you great with money then, is it?

Where did the 7yo’s savings come from?
I actually don’t think it’s awful for parents to basically change their money about money saved for a child, if it’s truly needed for the family. Not everyone has the luxury of saving. I’ve never saved in my children’s names, for exactly that flexibility.

But where has this money come from? If not you and him - grandparent birthdays, for example - then your boyfriend has stolen it, in my view. Because there’s nothing here saying he’ll pay it back.

Why did you decide to have two children with him, and the first pretty quickly, when he was irresponsible and you didn’t already have a house?

Bananalanacake · 14/01/2024 15:07

Does his self employed work pay anything at all. If not he needs to get a job

DeedlessIndeed · 14/01/2024 15:07

I built up £5K overdraft and CC debt through uni (and general fecklessness of youth). DP had always been sensible, and cut his cloth accordingly.

I eventually told DP, but didn't expect him to bail me out. Having to clear that debt myself, over a long period on low wages was probably one of the best lessons I could have had. I resented the interest and how much went out of my meagre wage each month which has led me to despise unsecured debt.

I still have the credit card but I haven't made a purchase on it since clearing the balance.

Think your DP needs to go through something similar himself.

Tell him to go out and do Deliveroo for a few nights a week, so he can cover his bills. Sounds reductive but he needs to re-learn the value of money.

notmorezoom · 14/01/2024 15:07

He is a great dad and partner

Your bar for 'great' is too low. A great dad and partner doesn't risk his family's financial stability. why are you staying?

Original poster

bethe1uwant2 · 14/01/2024 15:20

Wow didn't expect such a negative response.

He hasn't stolen our child's money at all, I am the only one with access to my child's savings and as he needed a vehicle for work, I allowed him to borrow the money which I will obviously make sure he returns. I don't need to 'play nice' until he returns the money, we are partners and like I said he is a good dad and will pay the money back one day. My child won't have access to that money until he is at least 18 anyway.

He is not gambling or hiding anything. That was never mentioned in the OP. He pays all the house bills every month, as I said I work part time so I pay for what I can, while saving.

He is irresponsible and that is what I was hoping for guidance with. I will not be leaving him , he is the father of my children and don't need strangers telling me he is not a good dad. I know he is.

Since this post we have had a chat, and I have asked him to set up a payment plan every month to ensure he has savings for this time next year. We always struggle in January as we are both self employed and have 2 weeks off work meaning no pay.

OP posts:

CharmedCult · 14/01/2024 15:25

Ah well, stop whining then.

Keep bailing him out.

Accept that you’ll always rent and never own a home

Stay hopeful that he’ll repay the 3k you allowed him to take from your child, before the child wants access to it. Spoiler - he won’t.

Els1e · 14/01/2024 15:26

He is not a great dad. Sorry but decent dads don’t act like this.

AutumnFroglets · 14/01/2024 15:28

He is irresponsible and that is what I was hoping for guidance with. I will not be leaving him , he is the father of my children and don't need strangers telling me he is not a good dad.

Then none of us can help you. You are as much a problem as he is. I hope you both wake up and start providing properly for your children. Money isn't everything but security is.

RatatouillePie · 14/01/2024 15:29

bethe1uwant2 · 14/01/2024 14:20

I have on a few occasions had to pay his debt off which I've always made him pay back. But it's a vicious cycle.

He owes my 7 year old £3000 from his savings as he needed it to buy a car 'so he could get to work' turns out he could have got a lift everyday with co worker.

Recently I found out he took another loan out with ridiculous interest added which is another set back for us to buy a house.

He is self employed and although he's been offered employment which I have encouraged him to take, he gets defensive and refuses.

When will he learn? AIBU????

A good partner?

He lies to you, deceitful, irresponsible. And he TOOK MONEY from your child for something he didn't even need. Hardly a good parent!

Financial compatibility in a relationship is SO important.

He clearly cannot be trusted with money. If I were you, I would be insisting that his bank account needs to be visible to you, and YOU take over all the money management of the family. If he is not willing to share the finances with you, then I would suggest he leaves, as if he can't trust you to be honest about his finances then you don't have a relationship.

Beezknees · 14/01/2024 15:34

He is not a good dad. Good dads are not so financially irresponsible that they keep getting into debt.

If you weren't there to bail him out, he'd probably end up bankrupt or in serious trouble. That is not a good dad, he's not putting his kids first.

Reddog1 · 14/01/2024 15:35

The pair of you are as daft as each other.

Beezknees · 14/01/2024 15:36

Also you said that he didn't actually end up needing a vehicle for work as he could get a lift with a co worker, so he "borrowed" that money unnecessarily.

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