To think many services and professionals infantalise new parents

[Annacondas]

Since becoming a parent for the first time last year (DD is one next week) I’ve been shocked by how often parents are infantalised. Often told information that’s not really true just to make them feel better.

Things such as
‘fed is best’ - no fed is the bare minimum expected of a caregiver. Factually breast milk is better for your child than formula - and I say this as someone who chose to formula feed because I like my sleep This also spills into weaning, with parents who gave their 10 month old nothing but chips for dinner told ‘well he went to bed with a full tummy, remember fed is best’ no no no.

Food before one is just for fun - again a total myth, food before one is essential for oral development and nutrition as there are a fair few nutrients that aren’t passed well through breast milk or formula (Iron is the main one) but many doctors, health visitors etc. keep telling parents this to stop them worrying about their child’s eating, but it’s simply not true. It then leads to those parents telling others this myth making whole swathes of parents not consider food before one as important.

‘You can’t do anything to help kids meet their milestones faster’ - again, factually incorrect. There are many exercises that parents can do with their child to help them roll, crawl, walk, talk etc. a lot faster. Yes it’s not necessary to do those things and most children will hit their milestones eventually, but it doesn’t make it any less inaccurate that parents ‘can’t’ do anything to speed this process along.

Those are just the ones I’ve seen and heard over the last few months but there are many more I’ve forgotten along the way.

AIBU go get annoyed about new parents being treated like idiots, or is it maybe the case that many new parents are idiots and this kind of nonsense is necessary

Everything is done to communicate to the lowest common denominator. 😬

I saw this week a lady wanted to weigh her baby but she wasn’t allowed to use the scales at the children’s centre on her own and the health visitor wouldn’t see her to do it because there was nothing else wrong. (The HV works out of the centre). The GP wouldn’t let her use theirs. Imagine the scales being there and they wouldn’t let you use them.
People were suggesting she goes to the vet/supermarket to weigh.

But then you have to think about parents who are struggling, have more than one child, have PND, or those who are barely getting through the day. Those phrases help them, they help take the pressure off somewhat.
Not everybody has the time or the same ability. If you choose to do more that's ok, but we don't need to put extra pressure on new parents.

Totally agree, there was a piece on the radio the other day about getting teachers to supervise teeth brushing! Clearly parents aren't expected to do that either.

Oh my god. You just said the words: breast, milk, formula, bare, minimum. Batten down the hatches!!!!

I don't know. I'm a pretty well-informed and laid back parent but sometimes in the middle of the night when you're in a spiral of worry and feeling overwhelmed, those kind of phrases are exactly what you need. You don't have to be a perfect parent and, to be honest, feeding your child is always going to be better than not feeding them!

😂😂 that’s what I thought when I read it. I obviously agree wholeheartedly with the OP but I’m not sure I’d start a post saying it.
☔️

I agree that they speak down to you but I think you can opt out of these services if you don’t feel you need them. I think I read that here.
In general I think a lot of nhs advice concerning nutrition is really quite shit. I would always do my own research concerning staying healthy in the first place and only use a health service if there is something wrong.
I’m not sure the it’s just for fun thing means don’t feed them though it means don’t get into a tis if a lot of the food ends up on the floor.

What have I missed? I don’t get it.

Ah I replied instead of quoting, that was to freshair1

@supersonicginandtonic but it’s not really extra pressure

Many of these issues can be communicated factually without pressuring a parent. It seems almost out of laziness professionals just coin a saying to make it easier, not thinking about the wider issues this causes (for example those parents then spreading this ‘information’ more widely)

For example - instead of fed is best a parent could be told - nutritionally breast milk is better for your baby, however formula is perfectly fine and many parents use it and the children are fine.

instead of food before one is just for fun - babies need to explore new foods before one, but most of their nutritional needs are met by formula or breast milk so don’t worry if they don’t eat much and it all ends up on the floor, just keep trying.

Instead of you can’t do anything to help babies meet their milestones - You can do certain activities to help promote a baby to do x, y and z but it’s not necessary, if you’d like to do it however here is a link to some videos showing you how (bare in mind the NHS already have a site with videos up purely showing parents activities and exercises to help babies crawl, roll etc.)

Well bully for you. No extra marks are available for being smug though.

@mynameiscalypso well yes, a child not starving is ideal

but to claim ‘fed is best’ is simply not true

feeding your child is the bare minimum expected of a caregiver. If you didn’t feed them you’d be investigated by social services, I’d hope most people’s aspirations are well above just not being investigated for neglect.

@Comtesse

@Annacondas But how does saying that help someone who feeling very vulnerable and is really struggling with breastfeeding, maybe for physical reasons or for mental health reasons or whatever reason? It just puts more pressure on them to continue breastfeeding potentially to the detriment of their own wellbeing/health or relationship with their child. It's hard enough being a parent without being told that what you're doing isnt the best for your child - which is ultimately what most parents want to do.

Sorry, for the sake of clarity, I meant how does saying what you said in your response to a PP about breast/formula feeding.

They don't mean intentionally starving them, they mean those mums driving themselves the despair to breastfeed and the baby isn't getting much. Fed is best.. feed them formula, happy fed baby and happier mum.

For example - instead of fed is best a parent could be told - nutritionally breast milk is better for your baby, however formula is perfectly fine and many parents use it and the children are fine

Many formula feeding parents would take such a statement as an attack and claim they're being bullied.

It's just not worth the hassle for a health professional to tell the truth.

@Disturbia81 I was replying to someone who specifically said about starvation.

It’s helpful to read the comment someone is replying to before jumping in

I agree.

And yet, if you go to them with a clear problem, eg “I want to BF but have the following 3 specific issues with latch” they can’t do a fucking thing to help, and you end up getting help from unpaid volunteers from LLL or similar.

You may have a point!

This was 11 years ago but when I was pregnant with my first I went to a breastfeeding workshop when SureStart ran things like. It was all about how wonderful breastfeeding is, the benefits, nutrition and how to physically feed.

When I had my DD I had cracked nipples, mastitis, and she cluster fed like there was no tomorrow. I persevered but I saw the woman who ran the class at a weighing clinic and fed back that i wish they’d touched on all the problem you can get as I was totally unprepared. She said they don’t do that because it puts people off breastfeeding 🙄 so they just pander to new mums and hope they don’t struggle basically

@Disturbia81's reading of what I said is absolutely what I mean - sometimes if BF isn't working for you and isn't possible for you but you feel intense pressure and guilt to continue, you might be (unintentionally) starving your baby.

Reading some threads on here it's seems plenty of parents (seemingly well educated ones) get so panicky about their children eating perfectly normal foods. Ones I mean that it's fine to have once in a while - if that's all there is.
Things like sausages, fish fingers, sause from a jar, a handful of crisps, a - horror oh horror - chocolate biscuit 😂
Some parents seem to get so obsessed with non processed foods, organic, nothing with sugar or salt etc that they go into a meltdown if Granny feeds them fish fingers and waffles for tea.
If for some random reason the only food available is a supermarket ready meal and some chocolate biscuits would you say "fed is best" or "sorry my precious child can't possibly eat that" 🙄

@mynameiscalypso but why is the alternative lying to them?

I’d be concerned about the parents who take that line and believe it. Breast milk being nutritionally better for children isn’t a new thing, it’s a basic fact, one which I’d hope all new parents would at least understand. Life is a series of choices, people need to be empowered to make their best choices, that doesn’t always mean making objectively ‘the best’ choices. If everyone lived a life making only ‘the best’ choices they’d probably be miserable. Same applies for when you’re a parent. Instead of lying to people health services could make parents feel a lot more confident in their decision making regarding what’s best for them.

In no other situation are grown adults lied to by medical professionals to make them feel better.

Well my son at 10 months may have just eaten chips for dinner if we were out/traveling etc and you know what it was fine as he was going to be full and had more nutritious stuff earlier in the day and willl have more the next day. Having someone having a go would not be helpful.

@Annacondas I really don't think health officials are lying to people.
Strange view to have.