To think many services and professionals infantalise new parents

[Annacondas]

Since becoming a parent for the first time last year (DD is one next week) I’ve been shocked by how often parents are infantalised. Often told information that’s not really true just to make them feel better.

Things such as
‘fed is best’ - no fed is the bare minimum expected of a caregiver. Factually breast milk is better for your child than formula - and I say this as someone who chose to formula feed because I like my sleep This also spills into weaning, with parents who gave their 10 month old nothing but chips for dinner told ‘well he went to bed with a full tummy, remember fed is best’ no no no.

Food before one is just for fun - again a total myth, food before one is essential for oral development and nutrition as there are a fair few nutrients that aren’t passed well through breast milk or formula (Iron is the main one) but many doctors, health visitors etc. keep telling parents this to stop them worrying about their child’s eating, but it’s simply not true. It then leads to those parents telling others this myth making whole swathes of parents not consider food before one as important.

‘You can’t do anything to help kids meet their milestones faster’ - again, factually incorrect. There are many exercises that parents can do with their child to help them roll, crawl, walk, talk etc. a lot faster. Yes it’s not necessary to do those things and most children will hit their milestones eventually, but it doesn’t make it any less inaccurate that parents ‘can’t’ do anything to speed this process along.

Those are just the ones I’ve seen and heard over the last few months but there are many more I’ve forgotten along the way.

AIBU go get annoyed about new parents being treated like idiots, or is it maybe the case that many new parents are idiots and this kind of nonsense is necessary

I fail to see how the message you want shared can be summed up in sound bites.

If you think people are going to read longer documents, attend non delivery education classes then I really believe you are naive. It can be a real struggle to disseminate and ensure the bare minimum out!

And Sure Start did teach parents who needed it how to engage with their babies and children. That is what is needed. It was cut.
It's a travesty it was cut.
Educated (not thinking in an academic sense btw) and empowered parents make a huge difference to their children's outcomes.

Having professionals who could say to a parent "yes your child is behind with their language, maybe doing these things might give them a nudge" makes a huge difference.
Having a professional who's job is largely preventing serious harm and trotting out "don't worry they all get there" means that a parent takes it at face value and their child ends up 4/5/6 years old with language delays and it's only picked up at school. At that point there's a huge wait for services and the language and communication difficulties are affecting the child's learning, behaviour and self esteem.

It will cost the taxpayers more in additional interventions and services that come from children not having appropriate early years support in place.

@ThreeTreeHill fed isn’t best

its the bare minimum.

@Marblessolveeverything then maybe saying nothing is better than these falsehoods.

If people are so dense they can’t understand a sentence that’s more than 10 syllables long there isn’t much hope really

@Oneofthesurvivors when have I berated someone for telling parents they don’t have to breast feed?

Saying fed is best isn’t the same as saying formula feeding is fine.

good grief, maybe you’re one of these lowest possible denominators people are referring to.

Actually, I agree with the OP. I definitely felt infantilised and patronised when having my kids, especially my first. Just one example of many: I remember going for a late pregnancy scan due to concerns over his size, and the idiot woman scanning said 'what's the most important thing?' I answered 'that he's alive.' And she singsonged 'that your baby is happy and healthy of course'. Then she realised he was breech and I needed a c section and her smug patronising grin left her face. I was a 30 something year old woman for goodness sake. I have a professional job and a PhD. I'm not stupid, but in late pregnancy, labour, and post childbirth, I felt like I was treated like I was like I haven't at any other time in my life.

@Annacondas as has been explained several times, the goal is to employ basic standards for safe parenting. While signposting the nuanced material you are referring to.

Again there are many in our society who have social, education and learning challenges they deserve and require fully accessible concise messages.

The messages communicated need to be consistent across society.

I totally agree too, it's all part of the infantilization of the younger population as a whole. It seems that Health visitors are around regularly and their word is law, who decided that babies couldn't sleep in their own rooms for 6 months for example? Yes it's the advice but it's only the current advice, like sleeping on their front was what we were advised. If a parent chooses not to do this what happens?

One only has to read some of the posts on here seeking advice on every little thing, are parents now incapable of independent thought?
I'll get my hard hat and pretend I care!

@surreygirl1987 unfortunately it seems many on here believe all parents should be treated as if they’re a 15 year old in care with a learning difficulty.

Completely agree

The pharmacist actually read some instructions out to me yesterday

Whilst pointing at the words on the piece of paper

🤔🥴

I'm at least twenty years older than her

Maybe she thought I was senile

It sounds like you're annoyed because you think you know it all. Don't worry, we've all been there.

@Annacondas what's better ensuring everyone including the potential 13 year old young girl with learning difficulties gets the basic message or excluding the most vulnerable ?

Because you seem to not understand that is the options that health professionals are faced with.

@Marblessolveeverything I work for a family safeguarding agency team in the substance misuse service. A lot of our mums and dads have suffered trauma and absolutely horrific upbringings. They've had no positive role models in their lives.
These are the people that need the basic messages and then we can build from there. They are scared enough as it is without a lot of complicated information being thrown at them when they are at one of the most vulnerable stages in their lives.
I'm educated to masters level but when I had my first, suffered a traumatic birth and baby had a stay in NICU, somebody chanting on at me about the benefits of breast feeding would have overwhelmed me even further. I know it's better, everybody does but I also need reassurance I'm doing ok. I developed PND and my health visitor was thankfully an amazing support.
I completely agree with you.

At the same time many health professionals have personally come across supposedly well educated parents who are indignant at not having already been told basic widely disseminated health advice. Not to mention a recent court case involving a woman saying she hadn’t been given basic health advice in the 1990s that even I had been aware of as a young teenager at the same time. Honestly the majority of health professionals go into the job as they genuinely want to facilitate a positive experience into parenthood and improve outcomes for people. It is really difficult to navigate that path as what one person will experience as really supportive care and encouragement another person will interpret the same care as patronising or offensive. Obviously people do try to do their best, read body language etc, all within trying to do 100 different things at once in a ridiculously short time frame.
To an extent I do agree a lot of time it wasted on giving out information that 99% of people are aware of or is of not huge significance but please don’t blame the health professionals for being obliged to tick a box to say they have given that information. It comes from people higher up who have decided it would be great to give that extra information on top of the 1000 other bits of information HCPS are told they must give out and also litigation having gone a bit mad unfortunately

I don't think there is much wrong with these simple prompts.

Much better baby is fed one way or another than not fed because you think whatever is available is not right/good enough.

Food before one is getting baby into eating, if they don't like, don't want to try some stuff, and are just getting used to eating it's fine, don't knock yourself out.

Maybe you can help reach their milestones faster, but unless the baby has problems why bother they will get there in their own way (and learn) and why make a mother of a baby that is a bit behind average feel they should be 'doing something' which is totally unnecessary.

It's a bit simplistic and you can be offended, but it's just giving information in a simple, non judgemental way. You and other mums can go above and beyond if they want to, are the worried well (and their babies by proxy), have the time, etc.

As someone who formula feeds, I wouldn't see it as an attack or being bullied. But at the same time do we need the constant reminder? I know categorically that breast feeding is best and I was devastated that I wasn't able to do it. At first! I would literally cry when I read 'breast feeding is best' on the side of the formula tin. I so desperately wanted to, but couldn't. I would say this is true for many formula feeding mums.

It's not bullying, but the constant reminders in the early days would cause me to spiral and feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother.

Sorry I know this isn't the point of the thread but you chose to formula feed because you like your sleep? I always thought you must get less sleep because you have to get up to heat up bottles and then sit up and feed. With my babies I just woke briefly, put them on the boob and straight back to sleep! I always thought I was far too lazy to formula feed 😂

I sincerely doubt you know any 15 year olds with learning difficulties either in or out of care @Annacondas You seem very angry and looking for insult that isn’t there. For example “Fed is best” is usually said to parents who would like to bf but for whatever reason haven’t achieved that. It’s firmly pointing out that formula fed is better than starving. Can I ask, did you meet all your milestones? Were you bf at all? Were you weaned under 1 and on to what? How did your parents choices impact that?

A lot of people are desperately thick, so they have to pitch everything low.

I also think babies get plenty of iron from breast milk as they absorb it well, unlike formula. My eldest barely ate a thing before 1 but was fine as he was breast fed.

@coxesorangepippin you’re either young and dumb or old and senile to some!

@Marblessolveeverything the issue is the basic message being told to the 13 year old isn’t true.

Jesus wept.

@aylis why would that be the reason I’m annoyed?

Thankfully no one has ever placated me with this bullshit, but every day I see the fall out of others being fed these lines.

Agree. Parents used to be responsible for their children, now they act like they’re doing schools/hospitals/social services/CAMHS a favour by having them.

But that's what 'food before one..' means - it's just for them to explore without worrying about nutrition. And I do remember there being a big thing about tummy time to help them develop.