To think many services and professionals infantalise new parents

[Annacondas]

Since becoming a parent for the first time last year (DD is one next week) I’ve been shocked by how often parents are infantalised. Often told information that’s not really true just to make them feel better.

Things such as
‘fed is best’ - no fed is the bare minimum expected of a caregiver. Factually breast milk is better for your child than formula - and I say this as someone who chose to formula feed because I like my sleep This also spills into weaning, with parents who gave their 10 month old nothing but chips for dinner told ‘well he went to bed with a full tummy, remember fed is best’ no no no.

Food before one is just for fun - again a total myth, food before one is essential for oral development and nutrition as there are a fair few nutrients that aren’t passed well through breast milk or formula (Iron is the main one) but many doctors, health visitors etc. keep telling parents this to stop them worrying about their child’s eating, but it’s simply not true. It then leads to those parents telling others this myth making whole swathes of parents not consider food before one as important.

‘You can’t do anything to help kids meet their milestones faster’ - again, factually incorrect. There are many exercises that parents can do with their child to help them roll, crawl, walk, talk etc. a lot faster. Yes it’s not necessary to do those things and most children will hit their milestones eventually, but it doesn’t make it any less inaccurate that parents ‘can’t’ do anything to speed this process along.

Those are just the ones I’ve seen and heard over the last few months but there are many more I’ve forgotten along the way.

AIBU go get annoyed about new parents being treated like idiots, or is it maybe the case that many new parents are idiots and this kind of nonsense is necessary

But @Annacondas the phrase is meant to cover ALL scenarios to support mums that are struggling with breastfeeding for a whole host of reasons

It’s a soundbite that is meant to communicate that in an effective/ memorable way.

and you talking about ‘cracked nips’ speaks volumes about your ignorance on the struggles of breadtfeeding mums. ‘Cracked nips’ is the least of it.

The phrase has helped lots of struggling breastfeeding mums feel less guilty about making the right choice for them and their baby.

It’s not about incorrect information because it’s true!!

I don't agree with you.

Not all parents are like you. Parents like you don't really need services like health visiting because your family is completely universal. Anything you need to know, you're able to research and find the correct information for yourself. Your kids will be fine with or without the HV service.

That's not the case for many.

Unless you work directly with vulnerable families, you probably won't understand their needs.

If you don't work with families in this way, you wouldn't be able to imagine some of the things we see, conversations we have, or the way some people live.

I thought I was fairly socially aware before I supported the families who need information providing in the way you disagree with... but I really had no idea.

I think the op knows best so just be happy you can forge your own path and others who need the advice that's available have the support they need. I don't think there's anything to be annoyed about. If you want to educate those around you that could possibly ease your annoyance?

Go and work with the general public and you will understand why they trot out these types of phrases.

These days as whatever you say offends someone. Not all people understand big words like nutrition but would be too embarrassed to say.

There's a lot of nonsense advice out there so I think health visitors are just providing a simplified message to guide people who may need some reassurance. Its good that problems can be identified early but I think there's a trend of overthinking and making every aspect of infant development a complex problem. Babies have been fine for thousands of years with parents just following their instincts and doing what feels natural for their own baby.

Because the NHS or the government really, is failing parents. Breastfeeding support is minimal, so many people post on here with appalling advice that they've been given. I exclusively breastfed all mine, the only person in my family to do so - I desperately wanted to, but left hospital with my first not feeding properly, it was only by luck that I had a home visit from a fabulous midwife who sorted me out in no time. She trained in Australia if that's relevant.

Also judging from my own experience I and others were failed when we had children with dietary issues or food intolerance. When you can't get support you console yourself with fed is best, and the NHS trots out these lines to cover its inadequacies. It applies to all things, one of my relatives was slow to walk - but don't worry they will get there in their own time, turned out it was pysical issue which would have been better caught sooner.

You sound kind of up yourself tbh.

I've got two kids now, my second is 11 months. When you have more than one you understand why professionals have these mantras - it's because babies and children all develop at such different paces. My second has not been at all like my first who is a unicorn baby (slept well, ate well right away etc). With my second some things have been faster to catch on, others much slower - and those stupid old catch phrases do fucking help. It means I know when I really need to worry and when I can let it wait a bit.

I disagree with this. There of plenty of babies who aren’t alright and that’s why we need social services to support families where possible. Parents often parent they way they were parented, which mean cycles of abuse, neglect and trauma continue in families. Lots of babies die or are seriously hurt or have low-level but life long issues because their parents haven’t been able to meet their needs for a whole multitude of reasons and that isn’t something that has suddenly occurred in modern times.

Think you lost your own argument in the first paragraph- you know breast is better than formula but still opted for formula- it made absolutely no difference to your decision knowing this. However saying fed is best to a new mum whose struggled with breastfeeding for whatever reason, potentially suffering for PND makes a whole world of difference.

It was because I knew breast was best (kept being told that and praised for how much milk I made) that I refused any and all medication for what turned out to be postpartum psychosis, severe pnd and ptsd. In the end the decision was taken away from me and when I recovered, I had a huge amount of guilt about that.

My second wouldn't latch. The lactation consultant told me skin to skin but that wouldn't have fed her. The HV told me (knowing my history with dc1) to try to latch her and express. When she was around 2 weeks old someone whispered "nipple shields" in my ear but swore me to secrecy. They fixed all my issues.

And don't get me started on "Breastfed babies don't need burped"...trotted out multiple times. Shame neither of my kids got that memo. Adding to my stress with dc1 they wanted me to cut out dairy when it turned out all he needed was the one thing we'd expressly told by more than one hcp he wouldn't need.

But surely the OP is just saying fed is actually the bare minimum. Maybe the bare minimum is the best?

The best is the enemy of good enough. It is important that the key messages get across to the people least likely to find the messages for themselves even if they aren't 100% accurate. They don't have time for in depth discussions with every person.

A (private) GP asked me the other day if I knew how to average. I just laughed and said yes. I didn't mention my maths degree.

The advice has to be simplified so that everyone can understand it.

The breastmilk versus formula argument is complex and controversial at times. In a hugely varied population, it’s impossible to interpret the data to understand how it would apply to your own family.
It realistically is best summarised as fed is best. Parents who want can read the studies themselves and make up their own opinions, but that isn’t going to be the vast majority of people.

I agree with the poster who said it's about the lowest common denominator. Just like NHS using "tummy" when referring to adults.

I couldn't agree more with you OP but I'm afraid that, realistically, many people simply wouldn't understand the lengthy explanations or would "get lost" halfway through them.

When you say "fed is best" you're communicating the same core information and minimising the probability of misunderstandings.

Generally I agree with you - I have never felt so infantilised as when pregnant and giving birth. But I do think you're missing the emotive element. Breastfeeding made me want to kill myself. I already felt like an horrific failure but I could really have done with a health professional telling me the ACTUAL science (marginal reduction in ear infections, results of sibling studies etc.) rather than purely platitudes. My mental health may have been in the toilet but that didn't make me an idiot.

The more pervasive thing I have found damaging is the tribalism of parenthood and this is just magnified by social media and websites like this. I have become an infinitely better parent my tuning into my own intuition. E.g. I think we do have to gently teach our children how to sleep - I'm not bloody co-sleeping until age 4- but I also won't cry it out so let's find a nice middle ground. The posters on Mumsnet who talk about certain things with such authority (breast feeding, sleeping etc.) when they have no clue whatsoever is eye opening! Likelihood is there are areas of parenting you will ace and areas you will be substandard....question is if you have the self awareness to see it!

You sound like you have always had robust MH, and have only had one child at a time. I had crippling PND and twins. I know breast is best, but ‘fed is best’ is the phrase that helped me when I was drowning, had begged for bf support to get my milk supply up and help to get DD to latch, was furiously pumping (ultimately pointless as I just couldn’t make milk), had two screaming newborns and felt like a failure as a mother because I’d had ivf, an elcs and couldn’t even feed them thus I was the shittiest most useless mother ever who didn’t deserve her children. Oh, and I’d not had any bastard sleep for months.

You may just say these are excuses, but there was little time to do all these ‘exercises’ to speed up my children’s development. As it is, one hit the milestones early, the other was on time/a bit later. Weaning was a minefield cos y’know drowning in pnd and I desperately didn’t want to fuck my children up more than I already had due to my inability to bf so agonised and read as much as I could (losing sleep) to educate myself as to the best method. I did all the speech and language exercises I was told, and guess what?! My child with speech issues still didn’t bastard speak, he spoke when he was ready.

Yes, I clearly have taken your OP personally. I know I shouldn’t. But as someone who was desperately scared and lonely (despite being reasonably educated and having a ‘naice’ MC upbringing and lifestyle) and terrified social services would remove my children due to my being a completely imaginary unfit mother these phrases helped me realise that keeping on with what I was doing was good, and we’re all alright.

Best of luck to you OP

Just for fun until their one….

i never took this to mean they didn’t need food, there’s plenty of info about weaning out there.

what it did mean to me (and I would murmur it to myself some days) was not to sweat the times all the food went on the floor, when they would gag if the puree was slightly lumpy, When they wouldn’t eat the healthy meals you’d made and frozen in tiny pots, when they were unwell and would only have milk for a day or two.

I think it’s just a bit of reassurance for perspective and to take the pressure away. Of course the over riding priority is to introduce flavours/foodgroups and get to the stage that you’re weaning them off milk eventually.

There's a reason we have baby clinics and not just a 'rock up when you feel like it' free for all.

You know what @Annacondas in the nicest possible way, naff off. I’ve exclusively BF 4 kids, one didn’t wean til 2.5 years. I am not offended personally by your FF comments. But you know what, your post comes off as superior and unpleasant. If you can work out the guidelines are a bare minimum and want to do better, then get on with it (like plenty of the rest of us are doing) but no need to sneer at the fact some people can’t cope with a lot more than a bare minimum for many and varied reasons.

And remember- the bare minimum is good enough. Good enough is all any of us can manage some days.

@Wemetatascoutcamp how so?

My issue is that these soundbites are trotted out to help people in specific situations, without realizing those soundbites spread and become used for things they really shouldn’t be.

It might even just be a case of service providers still using this crap but making it clear it’s applied to that persons situation. So for example someone who is unable to BF is told fed is best for your baby. Instead of a blanket fed is best.

Unfortunately these sayings are causing issues for other families, my own dietician (well DDs) has said the food before one myth is one of her biggest challenges, as it’s so widespread and parents genuinely believe it, and therefore many hold off seeking help before one as they think their child’s abnormal feeding habits are fine and dandy because it doesn’t matter if they eat before one.

@Meditationspider yes, most with a brain do not take it to mean that, unfortunately many lack the sense or intelligence to understand this and take it quite literally.

which is the reason I started this thread, it’s well meaning for people to say these soundbites to help parents not feel bad, but unfortunately many don’t understand.

But shouldn't we (as a society) be aiming for more? Not shaming someone for getting to bare minimum, but recognising that it's likely far from ideal and that extra support is needed.

Kids life chances ARE impacted

The difficulty is in striking the balance between wanting more for kids, and being realistic as to what some parents can achieve. If you pitch the provision/advice/ guidance too high, it is misunderstood by some and their children get lower outcomes still.