To think many services and professionals infantalise new parents

[Annacondas]

Since becoming a parent for the first time last year (DD is one next week) I’ve been shocked by how often parents are infantalised. Often told information that’s not really true just to make them feel better.

Things such as
‘fed is best’ - no fed is the bare minimum expected of a caregiver. Factually breast milk is better for your child than formula - and I say this as someone who chose to formula feed because I like my sleep This also spills into weaning, with parents who gave their 10 month old nothing but chips for dinner told ‘well he went to bed with a full tummy, remember fed is best’ no no no.

Food before one is just for fun - again a total myth, food before one is essential for oral development and nutrition as there are a fair few nutrients that aren’t passed well through breast milk or formula (Iron is the main one) but many doctors, health visitors etc. keep telling parents this to stop them worrying about their child’s eating, but it’s simply not true. It then leads to those parents telling others this myth making whole swathes of parents not consider food before one as important.

‘You can’t do anything to help kids meet their milestones faster’ - again, factually incorrect. There are many exercises that parents can do with their child to help them roll, crawl, walk, talk etc. a lot faster. Yes it’s not necessary to do those things and most children will hit their milestones eventually, but it doesn’t make it any less inaccurate that parents ‘can’t’ do anything to speed this process along.

Those are just the ones I’ve seen and heard over the last few months but there are many more I’ve forgotten along the way.

AIBU go get annoyed about new parents being treated like idiots, or is it maybe the case that many new parents are idiots and this kind of nonsense is necessary

I think you're misunderstanding the reason why people say these things.

Clearly you're a confident mum with no feelings of guilt. That's ok, I was one too! But these phrases are for the mums who are grinding themselves into the ground trying to breast feed, and trying to get food into their babies to hit prescribed milestones. If you've never been in that situation, it is going to feel infantilising.

And they aren't 'lies'. 'Fed is best' IS true if the alternative is a mother who isn't producing enough milk trying to breastfeed. 'Fun before 1' IS true if you have a baby who isn't that keen on the lovingly homemade food you've put in front of them, but will grab for your toast or a chip or whatever. You know as well as I do that it's for those parents who are worried their baby will only eat banana or whatever, and that the 'chips only' parents clearly aren't arsed and therefore won't be listening. It also doesn't mean 'don't give your baby solid food' - it means if they don't eat it, top up with milk as they'll get their nutrients from that!

And I know we're not getting the whole story of your SIL because 'not wanting to chew' doesn't stop a parent from giving purees, which were the common way to wean up until not that very many years ago.

@Annacondas it is heartbreaking how some children live. And some of them don’t live. I don’t mind if you feel infantilised if it means that people
know a baby is getting nutrition, they are clothed, they have safe sleeping space and they are not being physically/emotionally abused.

Judging from your responses, op, I I think you are tending to generalise and medical care is much more nuanced than you are suggesting

Agree with this. Unless you're confident you're not just getting the easiest soundbite from a conversation between your friend and a doctor of course.

instead of fed is best a parent could be told - nutritionally breast milk is better for your baby, however formula is perfectly fine and many parents use it and the children are fine

As a professional communicator, fed is best is simplistic but reassuring, clear and easy to understand. Given that 1 in 6 people in England have serious literacy issues, that's fairly important.

Your second suggestion is a complex sentence that doesn't really say anything actionable, while also being loaded with judgement.

In reality, most medical professionals would say something like 'well Lavinia, fed is best so I don't want you to worry. Formula is absolutely fine. What exactly are you concerned about, let's see if I can help you.'

Mass market messages have to tick a number of boxes to BE mass market messages. In real life, people don't talk like that, in the same way as people who work in corporate jobs don't really go down the pub and ask Malcom if he's maximised any synergies recently.

people who object to 'fed is best' have never had a child with an eating disorder.

'fed is best' has had to be my mantra with a child with autism and ARFID who would had been in starvation if someone hadn't said that to me. In some kids calories in is more important than HOW those calories get in.

And before anyone mentions babies, my DS self weaned at 10mo and immediately began having issues with food that drove me to near desperate.

So yes. 'fed is best' is absolutely a vital thing to teach parents.

Most parents are lazy.

They can’t be bothered to do the research on what’s best for their child (like ERF, safe sleep, 6+ months for weaning etc), and of those that do, most don’t bother to follow it (like you, so happily declaring you selfishly put your own needs above those of your child).

There's part catering to the lowest common denominator and part that means soundbites oversimplify. If the purpose of the soundbite is to prevent harm or limit harm then that's a very different intent than offering advice/guidance on how to support a child to thrive.

My take is that I'm not the parent they're aimed at, so any professional telling me my children don't "need" something when all evidence suggests it's good for children's development is going to get a smile and a nod and not much more.

What does bother me is the cumulative impact of telling parents that stuff that's good for children's development isn't needed/you don't need to worry about that. If the messaging some parents get across a range of areas is "don't you worry, all that matters is your child isn't harmed", then some will miss out on things that could support them and their children to thrive.

Totally agree with you op

The fact is that they have to aim for the lowest level of understanding to ensure they 'catch them all' with the basics. It's what they're trained to do.

Some of them do seem to not know better than the lowest common denominator though.

I did my research on cosleeping because it was unexpectedly what we needed to do. I was lucky to have a midwife who almost whispered that she wasn't allowed to recommend it, but she'd been through the research for her sister and had reached the same conclusion. If I mention it to any other HV or midwife they go off the deep end with things that are factually incorrect.

Bloody hell yes!!!

I wasn't told about how a medical condition I have could cause an under supply during pregnancy OR even after birth when I was clearly experiencing an under supply. They kept saying that I was probably fine and to just keep going, under supply was definitely not the issue.

When I finally put the pieces together and asked them why they essentially gaslighted me for months, they told me they "didn't want to put me off".

If I'd have known I was likely to have an under supply, I'd have just mentally prepared to combi feed ahead of the birth and we'd have all been happy campers from day one. Instead I dealt with three months of stress and misery whilst my baby went hungry and health professionals kept insisting I was very unlikely to not be able to produce enough milk and I just needed to keep going !! Keep pumping!! Keep feeding!! Despite them KNOWING full well I was at a high risk of being literally UNABLE to produce enough milk. But no no, if they'd have just been honest with me I'd have surely been too thick to understand that I could still combi feed and didn't need to stop BF entirely, so they had to trick me into it instead ✌️

That last part puts into words really well something I thought, but didn’t know how to say. I do think that is a message I’ve heard many baby or toddler group leaders give at family centres etc. (and not always coupled with a ‘but if you’re concerned, here are some resources).

Equally, it can be hard to access support in general atm and that’s a big problem too.

Everything is done to communicate to the lowest common denominator. 😬

Its mainly this and doesn't surprise me given how many idiots there are out there

@Seren2023 people being health visitors, doctors and other professionals.

And then it also spreads across parents in general.

The amount of times ‘food before one is just for fun’ is mentioned in parenting groups is just shocking. My neighbours HV told her that when she needed some help reducing her daughter’s formula intake as she was nearly 12 months and still consuming nearly a litre of formula. Thankfully she is intelligent enough to know this isn’t the case and complained, then went to see a feeding specialist.

My DD is under a dietician, her dietician says ‘food before one is just for fun’ is one of her biggest issues when dealing with parents of children under one. She herself has seen it cause many parents to not seek out help before one because they thought their child’s issues with food were normal.

@Annacondas if you think the capacity of some to take anything bigger than "sound bites" then you are very much over estimating capacity.

All research shows small concise information is key to engagement and embracing. You loose people in complex, bulky messages, they get frustrated and disengage.

Hence the absolute need for simple English short accurate statements. On a daily basis I engage with individuals who would not have capacity not critical thinking skills to engage the way you have outlined.Many are parents.

So society needs to be inclusive and ensure the most vulnerable are included. Everyone I free to engage in more nuanced messages and research.

It also helps when they use the proper words for mothers - breast feeding, breast milk, MOTHER, etc. not "chest feeding".

@YuleDragon factually it’s not though

yes a fed child is better than a starved child

but even you (I hope) wouldn’t say feeding a child on purely processed shit is better than feeding them a nutritionally balanced meal.

Your child is alive, that’s great, but I doubt they’re as healthy as their peers.

@Marblessolveeverything but why does the short, concise information need to be factually inaccurate?

and surely those who need these soundbites are the ones who are less likely to do their own research, and should be the ones professionals take the time to educate, not placate?

But fed IS best. I think you are misunderstanding the meaning of this phrase

Your take on breastfeeding that breast is best for a baby from a nutritional point is too simplistic, too black and white (maybe because you havent experienced it)

it’s not simply about the nutritional value, it’s about the emotional toll and physical challenges that can mean fed IS best overall for the health of a mum and baby

People describing our fellow human beings with literacy issues, (which may be down to things like being through the care system, having a brain injury, or speaking English as a second language due to forced migration), as 'the lowest common denominator' really should take a long, hard look at their privilege.

@amidsummernightsdream im not misunderstanding the phase

my issue is that people take these soundbites and start spreading it out to apply to other situations.

instead of saying ‘fed is best’ even in your example sally with the cracked nips could be told ‘formula is a perfectly healthy alternative, it’s not worth putting yourself through x, y and z just for some breastmilk’

Most parents want to feel like what they are doing is the best for them which is fine but they also want validation that it is the best. "Facts" may upset some.

I find it so odd because breast vs formula milk is such a short period of a child's life. Not everyone can even afford to do the best things for their child as they grow i.e. can they pay for tutoring if a child needs it? Can they provide healthy balanced nutritious food? Do they have the time, emotional maturity to help a child grow into a healthy confident person? Can they nuture the talents and dreams of their child i.e. provide music/sports lessons etc etc? There are so many ways to do the best for your child and not everyone can do that anyway yet so much focus on breast vs formula milk!

@Annacondas the fact is a fed child is best that is a fact. Food before one, is a hangover and reduces fear by babies slow to wean. These messages are wrote, consulted on by experts, by consensus. They are deemed to be fact.

You may have a different opinion and messages do change, babies were placed on their tummies in my mother's time. We now have the message baby on their back.

People won't engage nor can you mandate them to engage with professionals. Engaging with professionals is intimidating and a lot have fear that if they ask they will loose their children.

You don't seem to understand there are a lot of parents who won't due to their particular challenges or perceptions engage in what is "normal" of typical parents.

Your ideas are coming from a place where people are typical, who have no fear of authority, have had positive experiences.

Your second examples are pretty much how the NHS etc does describe their advice. It’s only on here that I’ve heard phases like “food before one is just for one”.

I couldn't breastfeed due to chemo, formula was superior to my breast milk. I'm guessing the same is true with others on medication/have drug issues. Fed is best is simple and applies to all.

@Annacondas I am really struggling with your thoughts on this topic. I am very glad you feel confident in your nutrition choices and that your friend was able to complain when she couldn’t get the support she needed to wean her child. Making sure that every child is looked after and well supported is the most important thing and unfortunately that might mean you get asked what you view as a silly question so the healthcare professional knows where to direct their support. Be glad you have been asked and assessed as being okay to be told a platitude because you are doing a great job.