To think many services and professionals infantalise new parents

[Annacondas]

Since becoming a parent for the first time last year (DD is one next week) I’ve been shocked by how often parents are infantalised. Often told information that’s not really true just to make them feel better.

Things such as
‘fed is best’ - no fed is the bare minimum expected of a caregiver. Factually breast milk is better for your child than formula - and I say this as someone who chose to formula feed because I like my sleep This also spills into weaning, with parents who gave their 10 month old nothing but chips for dinner told ‘well he went to bed with a full tummy, remember fed is best’ no no no.

Food before one is just for fun - again a total myth, food before one is essential for oral development and nutrition as there are a fair few nutrients that aren’t passed well through breast milk or formula (Iron is the main one) but many doctors, health visitors etc. keep telling parents this to stop them worrying about their child’s eating, but it’s simply not true. It then leads to those parents telling others this myth making whole swathes of parents not consider food before one as important.

‘You can’t do anything to help kids meet their milestones faster’ - again, factually incorrect. There are many exercises that parents can do with their child to help them roll, crawl, walk, talk etc. a lot faster. Yes it’s not necessary to do those things and most children will hit their milestones eventually, but it doesn’t make it any less inaccurate that parents ‘can’t’ do anything to speed this process along.

Those are just the ones I’ve seen and heard over the last few months but there are many more I’ve forgotten along the way.

AIBU go get annoyed about new parents being treated like idiots, or is it maybe the case that many new parents are idiots and this kind of nonsense is necessary

@mynameiscalypso then health services should focus more on helping parents with anxiety instead of taking the easy way out and lying to them to make them feel better

How is saying 'fed is best' lying to people? Nobody is saying that FF is better than BF (not least because it's against NHS guidance) even though for some people FF is better for them/their child than BF.

@Hermittrismegistus i suppose that’s the key issue here

Unfortunately some people think facts are attacks

Thankyou! Looks like OP is wanting an argument

It's a positive thing that there is less guilt tripping for parents, less pressure.. PND or not, it's good for a mums mental health. To feel she's doing a good job. To not be criticised. I've known a few people absolutely wreck themselves to carry on breastfeeding to the detriment of everything and they regret it.

I actually think the examples you give aren’t infantilising - rather, to help parents not feel guilty if they aren’t achieving X/Y/Z.

TBH I think there is far, far too much (usually conflicting) information for new parents and it is actually very unhelpful when ultimately everyone finds their own ways to manage.

I think the most infuriating set of advice was about weaning - too soon, too late, needing to introduce X,Y,Z or they’ll ’never eat it’, multiple different meals with different components a day. Only purées, need to have more solids, why aren’t they chewing, fruit is healthy, not too much it’s too much sugar etc etc. Leaves everyone feeling like they’re doing a bad job.

@Needmorelego if for some reason the local Tesco only had biscuits on the shelves I’d pop one in DDs mouth and be done with it

I don’t however think telling someone who chose to feed their kids crap ‘fed is best’ is a good thing to do.

It is factually better for a child to eat a balanced meal than shit.

I still choose to feed DD shit sometimes but don’t sit there and think I’m mum of the year for it

@mynameiscalypso many people seem to interpret it as that.

Which is the issue at hand.

Fed isn’t best. You have to feed your child, if not you’d be investigated for neglect.

It’s like me saying ‘alive is best’ like no, alive is surely the bare minimum standard as a parent you’d like to meet.

I might start a petition to use ‘happy is best’ as its more accurate

The fact is that they have to aim for the lowest level of understanding to ensure they 'catch them all' with the basics. It's what they're trained to do.

I had a bright shiny new GP kindly explain the difference between viruses and bacteria to me a few months ago. She even drew me a little diagram to ensure my understanding 😂 I just smiled and nodded. The need for that particular 'bleeding obvious' explanation isn't aimed at me - but she's not to know that. No need to take it personally.

Yes I felt totally talked down to all the time. Don't want to sound snooty but i was continually spoken to like I was an uneducated, vulnerable, 16 year old.

For example....

Me...does my child need a vitamin d supplement?

Hv...are you on benefits because you can get vitamins for free?

Me...I'm asking purely for health reasons...the money is irrelevant. I just want to know if it's recommended.

Hv...are you on benefits?

Me...no and I don't mind paying for them...I just want to know if I should be giving them

Hv...well if you're on benefits....

Me... don't worry about it

I was horrified at coming across that ‘baby doesn’t need food until 12 months old’ bollocks that seems to be going round now. I’ve read about a cult where the leader was arrested after a baby starved to death after he banned the mother from giving it solids. He said something like if god wanted this child to survive then she will do just off her mothers milk. I’m sure the baby was only around 8 months when it died of starvation

@GoalHitter2024 i am not taking it personally and am thankful I’ve never actually been told any of these examples myself.

My issue is people are fed these lines and then repeat them, creating a wider issue.

Its all well and good for service providers to think ‘oh I’ll let this one mum with PND feel better by telling her a lie’ but when that mum then is asked by her friend for advice on weaning and tells her ‘ah don’t worry about it, I was told food before one is for fun so don’t bother trying for 2 meals a day’ it becomes an issue.

It also leads to feeding issues being ignored and there being delays in support being sought out. For example my SIL was told not to worry by a few in her mums group about my nephew not being willing to chew anything, and that ‘food before one is just for fun’ he then developed iron deficiencies and is under a dietician. The doctors told her she should have reached out much earlier than she did.

They have a job to do and usually a short allotted amount of time in which to do that job. I never felt as though I couldn’t ask for further information or question advice by any midwife or health visitor when my dc were babies. The resources available in this part of the word are vast. Books, the internet. You can read and research whatever you like in as much depth as you like. The job of these professionals is to keep children fed and healthy and to support parents.

I know what you mean, but I think the problem is those who are having problems tend to disengage from services easily and some need simple support without judgement. Nutritionally, breast milk tends to be factually better. However, culturally in the UK it’s hard to breast feed. If you don’t have lots of women around you who did breastfeed, it’s really hard to access good advice and support in the early days. If our mum did breastfeed or friends do, they struggle to support if not living locally. Lots of women are in work and then have the struggling of weaning for nursery and sleepless nights where their partner can’t take over.

I still breastfeed my toddler at night, but I remember being told it wouldn’t hurt after 6 weeks and that wasn’t true for me. It hurt until about 10 weeks. Equally, there was no advice for mums with Hypermobility like me, whose oxytocin meant higher pain and mobility in joints. The support for these things just isn’t there. It’s ok if you personally manage to find ways to do it as a mum, but it doesn’t mean it’s that possible or simple for everyone and all of that needs discussing too.

You are being smug and condescending.

You can tell full well these services are aimed at those who need guidance and reassurance. The many people in the UK who are underprivileged and lack the education, tools and family support.

Sometimes the bear minimum is all a parent is capable of providing and these services are there to assist with this

Every one of these professionals is communicating a piece of information developed after consultation with experts to ensure that it is inclusive.

Consider a woman who had an abusive childhood with pnd, no practical experience, support or role model, possibly low IQ, low education etc. the safest approach is to ensure everything is kept accessible and not alienate. People are free to research peer reviewed information for further clarification.

Society needs all important information to be as concise, clear and accessible as possible.

I partially agree and could have felt infantilised but ‘fed is best’ etc… are sound bites. Then, you do your own research.

@misssunshine4040 so the GP is a service aimed at those who need guidance and reassurance?

Health visitors are only aimed at those who need guidance and reassurance?

Weird interpretation of those services

@Marblessolveeverything the issue is surely those who fall into those categories are the least likely to do their own research, so should be given more than just soundbites to help educate them, not placate them

Fed is best isn’t aimed at parents feeding their kids chips and biscuits though. It’s about breastfeeding vs formula feeding. I don’t think any GP/HV is going to say go ahead, feed your kids chips and biscuits…BUT…and I am sorry if I am wrong…I don’t think you have dealt with neglected children which goes well beyond being fed chips and biscuits. I think your issue is with lazy middle class parenting, not actual neglect.

In terms of your third point, kids definitely benefit when the time is put in. However all children have a plateau and so will generally hit the same point they were always going too, regardless of time put in by the parents.

Problem is new parents these days are fucking stupid and so need to be spoken to in a manner that they understand

Totally agree OP it is fine to simplify to a few soundbites when people are under pressure and struggling to help them survive (but should be truthful) but surely communication can be adult to adult when parents are run of the mill newbies without any special issues. Agree that it is how misinformation gets spread.

When I was young it was ‘breast is best’ but knew that if I couldn’t feed formula was best second option. Seemed v clear. I think we should empower and equip new parents so they can use their own judgement as every circumstance is individual for baby and adult’s situation. More about listening and giving support at the time eg in antenatal/postnatal groups. Bring them back. Mine was absolute lifeline.

Are you ND by chance? I say this as you come across as quite intelligent but rigid and quite black or white in your thinking.

I agree that breast milk is nutritionally (and heath wise) the best option. However, I was on a cocktail of medications for my myriad of medical conditions - some of which were not safe to breast feed on as they passed into the milk. For me, breast feeding was never an option and was not the ‘best’ choice. My breast milk was not nutritionally best for my baby.

I don’t think a condescending “well, breast milk is far superior to formula but I guess your baby will make do” from a Health Professional helps anybody or encourages engagement with the medical field. It may be factual, but I would argue that the majority of people already know that breast milk is better. I feel that the greater aim of Health Professionals is to create a positive relationship with patients so that they are more open to advice, willing to seek help if required and not judge people for their valid choices.

@Gemstonebeach which is exactly the issue with using these one liners

People then take it as fact, and start applying it to other situations and it snowballs.

hence my post

I’ve just flicked through some NHS weaning advice and it’s very clear that breast milk is preferential to formula if possible. There is zero mention of food before one being just for fun, nor any information that would lead to this conclusion.

Advice in the public domain has to be clear, concise and appropriate for most of the population. It also has to cater to the ‘lowest common denominator’ who usually have the greatest public health need. It is just that - advice - and HCPs then tailor this to individuals. You can feel infantilised or you can accept and understand that you’re possibly not the target audience and that there are people in very chaotic, difficult circumstances out there who really do need to be given advice on how to brush their child’s teeth, for example.

It is also unfair (both on the HCP and the patient) to expect a HCP in a private consultation to be giving advice thinking about the general population rather than the individual in front of them. Do you really want a GP to say to a struggling mum who clearly knows the benefits of breast milk ‘fed is best in your case but for most, x,y,z studies show breast milk is better so please tell your friends’? Likewise, should the HV be throwing statistics at a struggling parent who is highly likely to feel totally overwhelmed and disengage? Or should we trust that their training involves not only learning the information but learning how to appropriately communicate it depending on the individual?

‘People’ - which people? Not all people. 🤣

HV and medical staff are dealing with a massive range of people, experiences, social, emotional and medical backgrounds. They may have to sometimes use soundbites to help engagement but hopefully do also explain and go into more detail.

Judging from your responses, op, I I think you are tending to generalise and medical care is much more nuanced than you are suggesting.