To ask you to ‘Destroy without reading’? (Bereavement related)

[Izzy24]

Would you?

So if you were coping with clearing personal belongings and you came across a package marked as above, would you respect that person’s privacy and dispose of it without reading? Even if it was unsealed?

I’d give it to a trusted third party who didn’t know the person and ask them to tell me if I need to know. If yes, I’d look. If no, I’d ask them to get rid.

Or the other option is to keep it in your belongings so a future, more removed generation can at least determine if it’s worth knowing/historical to the family. Ie it might relate to an illegitimate child etc etc.

Probably more context needed. The right thing to do is throw away safely, without reading. You know that. I throw away anything I’d like to keep private for this reason. The thought of keeping personal diaries, letters etc and other people reading them one day fills me with horror. Thoughts are private for a reason. Unless one doesn’t mind them being public, that’s quite different.

What if it was evidence of a crime? They were just keeping it for safety or blackmail. I wouldn't read it but I would get my husband to

Well not necessarily - I have letters, notes, cards from my late husband that mean a lot to me and I keep. But I wouldn’t want anyone else to read once I’m dead. Should I deprive myself of them now just because people can’t be trusted to respect the privacy of the dead?

Need to know would be: illegitimate children - financial stuff - family history etc.

No need to know - personal issues such as criminal record, mental health, sexuality etc.

I would assume it’s the porn stash and respect his/her wishes.

Hell no, I'd read it!
But I'm nosy!

Nosy?

I’d probably read and take a view on destroying, depending on what cropped up. If it’s just that cousin Frank has a love child or Aunt Maureen was a bigamist, I’d probably burn. If the contents were highly illegal and/or disturbing, I may take a different course.

For those saying they would be tempted, please don’t do it as you will never forgive yourself. My mother is thankfully still with us but I came across a package like this a few years ago when helping her to clear some belongings following a move abroad. Temptation got the better of me and I peeked. I only read one or two pages and then felt sick with guilt and shame, so immediately put the rest away and have never touched the papers since despite having the package stored in my house. I still feel so ashamed that I betrayed her trust in this way and try and console myself with the fact that there was much more to read but I didn’t. I have also never spoken about the contents to another living soul and will never do so.

I'd read it. But if it was something that would be 'disturbing' to another person or to the family in general I'd most likely keep my mouth shut about it.

Yes, I would destroy it. It is disrespectful not to carry out their last request. They have a reason. Destroy it and forget about it.

@ToMeToYouAndBack

What if it was evidence of a crime? They were just keeping it for safety or blackmail. I wouldn't read it but I would get my husband to

I hadn't thought of this but your post and @Namechangeforthisobv made me think that what if say there was something in the sealed or marked package that confirmed Man A was an abuser of Child B.

Child B years later maybe even after death reveals this aspect of their past and is not believed, maybe ostaracised by family as a liar- when all along the evidence was in the package.

Just one example but it's not something I ever thought of before.

Nosy?

I'd look through it. If it's proof of a crime then the victims should have the choice to see it, and if its just personal stuff then you'll be able to figure that out before seeing too much.

On a different note - Im very aware of writers and artists or historical figures whose officious families threw away early novels, poems, dairies or letters than offended their conservative sensibilities - but would have been so valuable to posterity.

John Murray destroyed Byron’s memoirs which Byron had specifically wanted published and had handed to an Irish poet to preserve. Ted Hughes destroyed one of Sylvia Plath’s diaries, someone in Kipling’s family destroyed an early novel called Mother Maturin set in Lahore. Cassandra Austen was very careful to destroy many of Jane’s letters and censor others to protect her reputation and her privacy. But - how insightful they would be now!

If one was disrespectful enough to read it, hopefully it says something like ‘I knew I couldn’t trust you’.
Busted.

As my mums dementia advanced, she became obsessed with throwing things away as she thought they were items that other people had left in her house as she had no memory of them. My siblings or me saw her every day and secretly had a peek in her bin to see what she had thrown away as sometimes they were essential items such as the tv remote, pairs of shoes, purse etc. We even found really important paperwork including her will and share certificates which obviously had to be kept.

So if I found an envelope such as this, I’m afraid I would open it as it could have something vital needed for probate or or to carry out instructions in the will.

iIn the end, I sneaked into her house while my brother took her out for lunch and took photos of all the documents she had, we were then able to use these when we had to apply to use our POA to help manage her affairs and also after she died.

I would definitely read it.
It wouldn't hurt the dead person, as they'd be dead, and I'm robust enough to deal with anything it contained.

How do you know it was you to ‘destroy without reading’?
Perhaps they had been given it by someone else and instead of destroying it, they kept it.

Personally, I would open it and look.
I’m currently trying to find long lost family and it would be sooo much easier had people not lied for years!
Get it all out in the open that’s what I reckon! You can deal with it….no matter what - as long as you’re ready to know that it could be about heritage etc.

I would look but I think it's the wrong thing to do.

I have things I would want destroyed. I don't destroy them myself because I want to look at them while alive.

In my family, I'd assume it was private thoughts that could either hurt someone's feelings or be embarrassing (romantic letters).

I have a box of things that I've marked to be destroyed, because while DH and I are too young to expect to die without warning, it can happen to anyone, and I wouldn't want my parents or siblings to come across our old private communications, because... they're private! Yet I don't want to destroy them myself, right now, because if he dies before me, I might find comfort in them, or vice versa.

I might peek just enough to be certain it was only private letters/diaries, and if so, I'd destroy them, as requested.

Of course not. I'd call the Daily Mail immediately! 😈

I'm definitely going to make loads of these now and put them everywhere. Might put random things in them or just leave them empty 🤔

As an executor I would probably look unless it was written into the Will that it must be destroyed and not looked at first, but then, unless there was some very pressing reason for me to do something with it (e.g. relating to dealing with the estate, or info about a mystery family member) I'd destroy it. I would not share it or the information with future generations in all but the most extreme circumstances such as the above (secret child who they were also related to, for example), that would be problematic to me as it is too far away from the instruction to destroy them. Whether documents should be destroyed while someone is still alive, even with dementia, is a knotty problem; I think anything other than the trivial and transient should be kept actually.