To ask you to ‘Destroy without reading’? (Bereavement related)

[Izzy24]

Would you?

So if you were coping with clearing personal belongings and you came across a package marked as above, would you respect that person’s privacy and dispose of it without reading? Even if it was unsealed?

Would definitely destroy without reading. I am aghast anyone would do otherwise.

Yes, I would destroy without reading now (age 50) but in all honestly when I was younger (age 30) I probably would have read thoroughly first.

Well, I guess it will teach you to destroy anything you don’t want other people to read, not leave it in a folder marked DEFINITELY BURN WITHOUT READING — SENSITIVE MATERIAL I HAVE MYSTERIOUSLY NOT DESTROYED

I have all my parents’ love letters. I haven’t read them, but I treasure them and will pass them on to my daughters

In the expectation the daughters also won't read them?
What's the point of that?
Are the letters then going to be left to the next generation, who also won't look at them?

I don't understand. Why not just chuck them out now, if they're never going to be read?

@SirVixofVixHall

I would look to make sure it wasn't anything important before destroying it.

When my dad died he'd mixed up all his important documents with rubbish. We had to check everything.

We've still not found things like our birth certificates. Even last month we got a letter from a bank about an account we didn't know about (nothing in it sadly!).

Fair enough. Again I think it depends on circumstances around it.

im not that organised. I don’t keep a journal but I do have (I think) some printed out emails from exes

and going through old notebooks recently that I use for to do lists I’ve realised by personal life ones are the closest I have to a journal.

i was about to throw them but thumbing through pages from a few years ago transported me right back to a period of struggling to conceive.

so I put them in a box rather than throw them away.

I’m just not the type to neatly label now stuff I want to keep for myself but keep private.

which does mean if I died unexpectedly I’d have missed that chance

if I knew it was personal journals or diaries yes I probably would do as the label asked.

or possibly as others have said, re-label them with an explainer and store for the next generation

though even that can be exposing.

i remember a few years back someone’s diaries from the WW2 era being discovered and written about in the press.

the author was laughed at as they discussed her daily life and barely mentioned what was happing in the war

yet I think that is completely normal - plenty on here who say they don’t want to talk / hear about eg brexit despite its massive impact on our lives and the trajectory of the uk

I would destroy, or possibly store securely

I have a family member who upon her DM’s death discovered that her DM & DF were never married and he wasn’t even her real Dad.

She had always lived her life by their high standards and never ever got over it. She resents them to this day.

I think privacy is important ,however would have a look through just to check nothing important before throwing away. just a quick scan ,not reading it all!

I wouldn't.

I once discussed this, in a way, with a family member with a progressive illness. I asked if there was anything they would like to destroyed immediately on their passing. They said there wasn't. When they passed I ran across things I would have rather not have seen. I think they thought they had destroyed everything but they hadn't. I wish they had said just wipe my phone and destroy my diaries when I die.

If I had anything I didn't want anyone to look at I'd entrust a close friend over a family member to destroy it.

I have letters my great grandparents wrote to each other in the 1890s while they were courting. They died long before I was born and they are a fascinating insight into them and what life was like for real people at that time. There were post collections and deliveries throughout the day so little notes that say “come to tea later” or sorry I missed you earlier I went to Ethel’s after work. Effectively the WhatsApp’s of their day.

Yes I would. I wouldn't want my memory of a loved one to be marred by knowledge of their private inner - maybe even not so inner - life.

Yes, I'd read it. I know it's bad and I shouldn't, but you asked what I'd do, and that's the honest answer.

Presumably so that her DDs can read them.

I would be tempted not to watch the DVD in that case. Or you could ask your partner or close friend to watch it first, to check if there is anything important on there.

Being totally honest I would probably look. Although it depends on the person/situation I guess.

I feel like if it was something they really really did not want anyone to see, it would have been binned a long time ago??

Previously I would have said that I wouldn’t have been able to resist, but in actuality when DH died I didn’t go through his personal papers or his phone or anything, I couldn’t bear the idea of finding something out that could have tarnished his memory or left me with unanswered questions. So no, I don’t think I would read it.

Exactly, my great grandmothers diaries, which were written to be read as they would read them aloud to each other, are now owned by a Cambridge college and a student did a PhD on them.

Even apparently ordinary diaries can become an important social historical document in time.

I should add I had no reason to believe I would find anything! But didn’t even want the risk.

My dad - with whom I was NC for 25+ years but ended up with his crap anyway - left behind journals full of hatred for every family member and others. He had beliefs about family members that were not remotely true.

This led to a lot of conversations with a lot of people, many of whom had other people's journals in their possession following death and most absolutely regretted reading these things. You can't unsee it.

Secret novelist here. There are resources that I keep for reference and plot development relate to all sorts of things including horrible acts of cruelty such as forensic pathology manuals and photos.
They won't be distressing to the person most likely to be picking up the pieces, but other close relatives would no doubt be affected.
Having seen this thread, I will now store them more carefully and include their context and the reason that they can be destroyed without reading.

Name changed - obv.

We have a case of this in our family, however the person who it is about has already passed. The male was a prolific photographer in their younger years who would take pictures of family and friends special events and process the pictures themselves in their homemade darkroom. They also, it turned out, took pictures of themselves dressed up in womens clothing and from the hushed tones of the 'elders' of the family, in adult ... positions.

This was back in the 50's when stuff like this was taboo and scandal. They've been kept all that time by a child of the person they are of, wrapped up and hidden away and sealed up so noone can see them by accident. The child of the person still mentions it frequently in the terms that they possess them still when the person is discussed by other family members.

I don't know why. I'd have burnt or destroyed them years ago. Said person was a horrible arsehole of a drunk who abused their family physically, mentally and emotionally. They have now passed a few years ago but these photos are still in existence - admittedly sealed up. When the child of the relative passes the pictures will be destroyed as soon as the package is found. Despite being a close relative to me I do NOT want to see them or even think about them. (and I say that as a nosey bugger 😂)

Depends what my relationship to the deceased was I think.

I’d also think they’re a bit of a drama queen for not just getting rid of whatever it is themselves, if they don't want anyone else seeing it, why keep it.

I would look. It might explain a few unanswered things. It might help
make future decisions with more facts available. It could be anything.

If someone doesn’t want something to be seen or read or heard - and mark it to that effect, then they should have taken the extra step of just destroying it in the first place.

My reason would be I want to keep to read myself but I don't want my dc to read anything as I'm not here anymore to answer questions.