Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

I think I'd have time say something, 'thank you for making such an effort, but I don't actually want to go to 2nd city, would you mind if I phoned them to ask if...".

Someone who loves a beach holiday, but who doesn't know you do too, doesn't really know you, do they?

@Franklyyes we’re going to contact them today. I agree that this wouldn’t be a good first cruise for me. We‘ve always looked at Caribbean cruises when discussing them so I don’t know where this has come from

Wish my husband would be this thoughtful. Unless it's something you'd HATE then I'd just be grateful.

@SpeedyDrama

Suck it up op, your poor man tried’. Good lord what century are we living in that it’s still the attitude that women should put up with not being seen as a person with specific likes or wants simply because a man ‘tried’ and got it wrong? Women, don’t have wants, put on your prettiest smile and be grateful…

This is not a women’s rights issue, as you’ve hijacked it to be. It’s an ungrateful and emotionally unaware issue from someone who has yet to learn how to say thank-you. The OP’s husband did try. It came from a good place. And he will now remember her reaction long after the holiday has passed unfortunately.

Doubt he’ll bother again then! OP you are so rude and ungrateful.

telling her she might enjoy it if she gave it a go (like the op hasn’t lived enough to know what she likes)

Well she's never been on a cruise thus far so . . . . .

I suspect that this will set in mind a train of thought for OP’s DH about how OP is a control freak who will only try anything new on her own terms and puts her own pursuit of perfection above his feelings. Chances are he won’t be the man organising her 40th.

‘Trying’ isn’t good enough when making a grand effort that involves money and showing understanding of your partner. And that isn’t a ‘women’s right’ issue, but it does seem to be women who has to be so very grateful for a poor effort than the other way around. This attitude of ‘well this man tried, many wouldn’t have even made an effort/even remembered’ is not something to be grateful for, it’s still not good enough. The op made birthday plans that suited her husbands likes, why does she simply have to be grateful when it’s not returned in kind.

Hopefully she’ll have a husband who actually knows her and what she likes by her 40th, someone who doesn’t see meeting her wants for her own birthday as ‘controlling’.

I very much agree. Ideally, we would be magnanimous all the time, but I think it can be hard and sometimes we have to accept that it bothers us.

There is a huge difference between not trying and trying but not getting it right. He booked a type of trip that she had said she wanted, to a city on “her list”, adults only and 5 star. All things she had asked for. He even explained that something a bit different what they had done before was in his thinking and he thought it might be fun, it wasn’t a blind failure to realise this holiday was different. However he did not get all the details right. It’s not like he booked a week at Butlins in Skegness!

Wow
I actually had a pang in my heart reading how you told your husband it wasn’t good enough and to try and change it and he was hurt
i can’t believe anyone could be so ungrateful
poor man
You say you didn’t want to hurt him but you did and it wasn’t life or death you could have gone on this lovely holiday and enjoyed it with your husband
I’d be questioning my relationship if my husband did this to me
it’s a real knock to someone’s confidence and you start to question whether this person is too selfish to be with

Once again, the bar for men is wedged somewhere under a boulder in hell. Angry posters - if your husband doesn't acknowledge your birthday or get you a card perhaps that indicates you have a massive problem in your marriage and should address it, rather than jealously sniping at someone who isn't in the pit of matrimonial misery with you.

Communication is part of a healthy relationship, which should be a Captain Obvious thing to say, but evidently not here... No you shouldn't have just "shut up and see if you might like it" and it's good you didn't. If he's a well adjusted adult I'm sure he'd rather you were happy. I hope you have a great 30th!

Of FFS. Or, as most posters have actually said, by the time her 40th comes around, she says "let's to this" rather than "surprise me".

I thought the whole idea of your partner booking the holiday was to expand your horizons and try something a little different, otherwise it seems ridiculous to see the bar for them of booking the exact holiday that you would have done. He obviously wants to do something other than an all inclusive beach holiday. Given that it’s not an awful holiday just not perhaps what you’d usually go for I would have embraced it and not hurt his feelings, especially as it sounds like you have other holidays. If you get horrendous seasickness or something it would be more understandable!

And he got it wrong, we all do sometimes and the other person is completely in their right to say ‘actually it’s not what I wanted’. Especially when it will cost a shit ton of family money, presumably annual leave, planning etc to carry out. He should have either booked something very specific to the OP’s taste and not used this as an opportunity to ‘try something new’, or a more sensible approach would have been to set out a few options of holiday ideas and ask the op to narrow down her preferences - he could have then chosen from a couple of options he’d known she’d definitely like and there would have still been a surprise element.

Its not about the holiday, it’s about the op feeling she’s not being seen/understood in the same way she understands her husband.

To all the posters insulting me I really don’t care about strangers opinions of me. I know it’s not what he wanted to hear but I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to spend my birthday doing something I don’t want to do. It’s the right gift at the wrong time. He’s sad but he’s said he’s not going to hold it against me. Most of you think I’m unreasonable and that’s fair enough but this thread showed me I needed to stick to my guns and not suppress my feelings and wants. If I’d got a gift for him wrong I’d want to know even though it would be hard to hear

He got it right based on her clues.
He got it wrong based on extra factors in her head.

@Holidaybluees has he spoken to Iglu ?
Can he change or cancel it ?

It's really not. The OP has been rather silly with her 'hints', if she is so rigid in what she wants she needs to communicate that. Her husband has made an effort but for whatever reason, it 'missed the mark'. Not really surprising when OP won't just say outright what she wants. Some people like surprises, some don't. If one is of the 'don't like surprises' variety then bloody well say it. Don't expect people to be mind readers.

You've still not answered this....don't you take any responsibility for the whole situation? The trip he booked fits the clues you gave, just not the ones you kept in your head (which he was supposed to somehow know?).

@Holidaybluees good outcome. Well done.
Don't veto all surprises though, just ones that entail a night or more away.

Which reflects that communication really is difficult.

YABU only for calling a birthday that’s divisible by 10 a “milestone birthday.” It is no more or less special than turning 29 or 31. Every extra year is a blessed gift and sorely envied by the dead.

That adds to the argument that he didn't 'get it wrong', she didn't make it clear what she wanted the 'surprise' to look like. He booked something which fits her 'clues'.