Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

I think if something like this bothers her, the best approach is discussing it. The alternative is bottling it up and holding resentment for years, taking it out on him then and him feeling he cannot do anything right and no understanding why she did not say anything at the time.
To approach something that bothers her it head on is appropriate, regardless of how justified we might think being bothered is.

I don't think it's a wind up I genuinley think that there are people like OP with these dilemas on there hands and it's real for them.

I can't help but wonder what the vibe will be like on the beach hol. When OP is jet sking around with her '30 today' badge on will she be happy that she got her way, or will it be tainted?

I think you did the right thing talking to him OP. There’s nothing wrong with being disappointed when something doesn’t pan out the way you expected. It doesn’t mean you are not appreciative or grateful. Some of the posters on here have been awful!

Like you I love beach holidays and enjoy city breaks but a cruise with such a short time in those two cities - nice as they are - is very different imo. Especially if you are more of a hot climate person.

Hope you can make some changes to the trip but if not enjoy your time together and then draw a line under surprise trips. Me and DH did a couple in our early years but quickly realised we’d never be able to ‘guess’ exactly what the other person wants, no matter how much we know each other. So now we just tell each other and then have fun planning it together 😉

The Isles of Scilly was my surprise destination from DH for my 30th birthday. I didn't know until we got to the airport. Fortunately I was a lot happier/more grateful that OP! Definitely recommend it Tombero and would say don't wait for a milestone.

Agree with this

If you agree to surprise each other, then you take the risk that someone may not choose exactly what you might have wished. If beach holiday was so important to you, then you should have been involved in planning

Oh my goodness, you’ve hurt his feelings simply to get the exact holiday you wanted. No way is the original holiday going to be fun for him if you do end up having to go on it, he’ll be on eggshells the whole time.

The fact that you admit you could enjoy what he picked just shows there was no need for you to have complained.

and what in earth is “I asked if he wanted space” all about?

A summer cruise will still mean sunshine, sunbathing aboard while you travel from one place to another, often while you sleep. Your OH has incorporated a city he knew you had said you would like to visit.nibwould go with the flow op. Don't show disappointment when he has put thought and effort in. That would be remembered long after the holiday is a thing of the past. 💐

Honestly, I think it was really unkind to tell him you didn’t like his choice. Not surprised he's content not to bother again

But, what's done is done

I'd advise move on from this and resist any temptation to mock him for the trip he chose

Your poor husband.

but at least he knows not to try to make an effort again

No, there is no resentment to be held on to for years here. You go on the trip you might not have chosen, perhaps have a surprisingly good time, perhaps don’t, then you chalk it up to experience and make sure you don’t get into a future situation where he thinks surprises are a good idea. That can be done subtly without saying “well that was shit, let’s agree never to surprise each other again!”.

Well they've both hurt each other haven't they? The difference for me is that one did that thoughtlessly in error, the other did it knowingly because their preference mattered more than causing hurt. Based on this, the OPs relationship 'misdemeanor' is greater than her husband's.

’Suck it up op, your poor man tried’. Good lord what century are we living in that it’s still the attitude that women should put up with not being seen as a person with specific likes or wants simply because a man ‘tried’ and got it wrong? Women, don’t have wants, put on your prettiest smile and be grateful…

Glad you sorted it out and hope you have a lovely holiday and birthday, OP.

The best 'big birthday holiday' I ever had was the one I organised myself -- OH had plenty of input and was really happy with it also but I do find it tends to work better when I arrange things they way I want.

You asked if he wanted space?! Feels like there’s more going on here than your birthday drama.

Do people really 'bottle resentment for years' against a holiday or experience that didn't meet expectations? I have had holidays in the past which were disappointing; like most people I have moved on, and at most might joke about them sometimes.

Tbh I know people who are not getting holidays at all this year due to the cost of living crisis, which partly accounts for my jaundiced view towards the Op's complaints.

Milestone birthdays are just another birthday. There’s so much pressure to have the perfect experience for so many things now.

Would you feel disappointed if it wasn’t a milestone birthday?

He may not have booked exactly what you wanted but he has booked a holiday for your birthday.

A summer cruise will still mean sunshine, sunbathing aboard

Er, not necessarily if you're just crossing the North Sea! A cruise round the Med, yes. It's not what I'd call a proper cruise - more like a ferry crossing with added coach trips.

Amsterdam and side trip to Bruges do not make for a great cruise and it's nothing to do with beaches. Both locations have lots to offer in terms of culture, history, character etc so don't rule them out but are not sunny resorts.

Maybe the travel company can transfer to another holiday that suits you better. BTW cruises can be fun and glam and visit many sunny places including whole days spent on fab beaches so don't dismiss it out of hand.

Urg... you sound a bit immature OP. Surely replicating a "special" trip based on another trip makes it not special to you. You should have stated explicitly what you wanted for your birthday.

I hope you have a good time regardless and just be grateful you have a partner who cares enough to put thought into something based off conversations you've had.

Exactly, hopefully he’ll find someone more appreciative as OP has already suggested he takes some space…

Thanks for the update.

I’ve been to Amsterdam several times; college trips, weekends with boyfriends, weekends with the kids and it’s not the city for me. Mostly because like you I like sun, beaches etc. Best trip was on a cruise. Ann Frank museum booked privately and a canal tour tour as a spur of the moment thing.I’ve also done Bruges which was too twee and touristy for me. Sometimes a day to get a feel for somewhere as part of a bigger holiday is better.
Something to consider next time.

suck it up or buy your own card, surely?

@SpeedyDrama

Well that is really not what the majority of people have been saying is it?

Have you see the ship? I am sure Richard Branson is trying a teeny bit harder than Brittany Ferries!

And perhaps the January weather is confusing people, does nobody remember how hot it got in the UK and norther Europe last summer?

There’s 33 pages so I won’t lie, I’ve skimmed through. But the majority from what I’ve seen is berating the op for not being grateful for him at least ‘making an effort’ (by spending a load of money without considering her enjoyment of it), telling her she might enjoy it if she gave it a go (like the op hasn’t lived enough to know what she likes), that they hope her husband find a better person than her (the wife who made sure she bought him a trip that suited his likes exactly) and then the usual bs about adults making a fuss about a (milestone) birthday, the ultimate MN sin. It’s a depressing read to be honest.

I would suggest trying to change it to another cruise. My parents like cruising and been to lots of different countries, they did one similar to yours but a bit longer. I think a couple of places in northern France too. Or even Jersey. They really didn’t enjoy it. They could have booked cheap flights to all these places for less money. This is an awful 1st cruise experience. Plus 5 days means sailing at possibly 4-5pm on first day, and the final “day” is docking at 7am ish. So only 3 whole days.